For a small private school in the third most polluted county in the nation, Pacific sure has a big campus. Call me indolent, but the trek from the Eberhardt building to South Campus is strenuous, especially for an out-of shape junior whose most demanding daily physical activity is at the breakfast table.
Especially when the arduous journey is packed in the ten-minute break between back-to-back classes.
Especially when the professor in the first class falls in love with his own eloquence and forgets the time.
For the last month I have made like Usain Bolt and hoofed my way cross country with all collegiate alacrity. My folds sway, my breath puffs and I get to class smelling like a gym locker and looking more moist than Taylor Swift at the ACM awards, but I’m not tardy.
It does, however, remain a mystery why all the seats around me are vacant.
A friend told me to purchase a skateboard. What a Californian suggestion. I suppose I should also pick up a pair of thongs and a bandanna as well? Watching me tumble through campus on a surf board with wheels, causing more property damage than OJ Simpson at a Las Vegas memorabilia dealer, might be funny in a kick-in-the crotch sort of way, but it isn’t any more appealing than running. And I’m not convinced that scrapes are superior to sweat.
The answer came to me while listening to Weird Al the other day: why not roll on a Segway? I’m already “whiter than sour cream,” what harm would the world’s first self-balancing human transporter do?
Segways, for those of you who are too hip to be up on the Silicon Valley’s most glamorous vehicle on two wheels, are personal transporters powered completely by green power. Depending on the model I purchase (a proposition that will cost me around $6,000.), I will be able to attain speeds of over 11 miles per hour.
Just think: at that breakneck pace, I will be the punctual Kahuna on campus. The Segway is also dangerous, which I like because that might rub off on me.
It’s the perfect craft for the Pacific student. So when you see a poorly adjusted white boy whizzing down the pedestrian walkways at treadmill speeds, know that I will be on time to class. Eat it Usain!