What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

It's All About The Benjamins, Baby

Dear mom,

Since writing is my thing, I've concocted a get rich scheme that will either take off and bring in the dough or crash and send me into bankruptcy. I'll write a romance novel about two teenagers.

The protagonist will be a teen girl. That's a character most people can relate to, right? Besides, since the book is a romance, I need to reach my female readers. The guy in the book is virtually indestructible, so maybe some guys will want to read it as well.

Our heroine is also an incurable liar. Typical love stories portray characters as perfect. I want my characters to be almost repulsively flawed—it will make my readers feel better about themselves. I have to please the reader.

The girl has an unnatural fascination with death. I'm trying to reach emo readers here. She begs her boyfriend to kill her, but he always refuses. She jumps off cliffs, rides motorcycles, and spends an inordinate amount of time around monsters.

In the second book, my hero will leave for a while without a trace. This is another attempt to hook some more emo readers. The girl will wander aimlessly and spends her days being depressed and finding ways to die. She finds him and they get in huge trouble with the mafia.

My hero is drop-dead gorgeous. Model gorgeous. That's what every girl wants, right? Someone very handsome to sweep her off her feet. I don't want to give my readers unrealistic expectations of men, but seriously, I need to be able to sell this baby, so I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

In fact, his only flaw is that he is a dangerous guy who wants to kill her. Even after they're married he has to suppress his violent desires. Sure, this may be over the top, but if I'm going to make a name for myself, I need to be outrageously original. He's 80 years older than her. He sneaks into her room at night like a stalker, just to watch her sleep. Creepy, but I think my readers will understand what I'm trying to do. Every girl wants a guy who can't stand to be away from her, right?

But why think small? I've already planned my sequels! In the last book, my hero and the heroine finally get hitched. By delaying this momentous turn in the plot until the last book, I can milk out a few more bucks from my fans.

After the wedding, the story doesn't end. My heroine gets pregnant and dies shortly after giving birth to a beautiful baby monster. And they live happily ever after.

I'll give the books hippie-sounding names for added appeal... names like "Moonbeam" or "Starshine". Hopefully the books will sell well enough to require sequels, and if I'm lucky, maybe even a movie deal. I'll be set for life.

Your loving daughter,
Stephenie Meyer


The Reluctant Dragon said...

Ahhhh!Everybody has read that silly book. I am determined to hold out and not read it... if only because I am being contrary.

Lauren H said...

Excellent. Very very nice. *grinning*

Reluctant Dragon: There are many other reasons not to read them besides being contrary - the greatest one I can offer you is that the quality of the writing is such that it will make your insides shrivel with horror.

Anonymous said...

Contrary to yourselves, I do not judge a book by it's cover. Yes, I have actually read the books! Amazing! The movie was a tad cheesy, which was entirely due to the terrible script the screenwriters worked up. I enjoyed the books, and hope that in the future you both will learn that mature people make informed decisions, not ignorant assumptions.

you can call me batman said...

that right there was brilliant. not even gonna lie. you did forget one thing though: the guy is sparkly.

Fredric said...

Lauren H: I fear you may not like my style of writing either. Nevertheless, you can find some of my writing on my blogspot page.

FCN: The "beautiful baby monster" link isn't working.

~Silver said...

lmao...lmao..too perfect. XD))) Though the books don't suck, only the first one is decent and if it weren't for the extremely fast pace of the fourth book I wouldn't have bothered with the fourth. It was only the fact that I like to complete the series I start that kept me reading the 2nd and 3rd nothing great, nothing extraordinary, but pretty good.

Anonymous said...

I refuse to read those books. They don't appeal to me at all. Loved this post - hilarious!