Phone Art: Pt. 1

Some of the earliest records of man's creativity are believed to have stone art.  It was beautiful.  Man had creativity.  But what should he use his gift for?  There was little question in the ancient man's mind:  Food was awesome:  so he drew food. 

A man hunting antelope.

A man cooking antelope.

As man became tired of drawing using simple sticks and stones, it was found that paints could be made mixing various plants and organic materials (which is a nice way of saying animal innards).  Ironically, the favored color was usually black, which happens to be the same exact color as the scratches made with sticks and stones. 

History has records of almost every culture leaving behind some sort of artwork.  This is good, not only for historical research, but for also for history text books, which would be unbearably boring without pictures.

An ancient Egyptian hieroglyphic of a chicken, representing the letter "A".  c. 2500 B.C.

A Roman coin with a mug shot of Nero. c. 62  A.D.

Join us next time for part 2!

It's All About The Benjamins, Baby

Dear mom,

Since writing is my thing, I've concocted a get rich scheme that will either take off and bring in the dough or crash and send me into bankruptcy. I'll write a romance novel about two teenagers.

The protagonist will be a teen girl. That's a character most people can relate to, right? Besides, since the book is a romance, I need to reach my female readers. The guy in the book is virtually indestructible, so maybe some guys will want to read it as well.

Our heroine is also an incurable liar. Typical love stories portray characters as perfect. I want my characters to be almost repulsively flawed—it will make my readers feel better about themselves. I have to please the reader.

The girl has an unnatural fascination with death. I'm trying to reach emo readers here. She begs her boyfriend to kill her, but he always refuses. She jumps off cliffs, rides motorcycles, and spends an inordinate amount of time around monsters.

In the second book, my hero will leave for a while without a trace. This is another attempt to hook some more emo readers. The girl will wander aimlessly and spends her days being depressed and finding ways to die. She finds him and they get in huge trouble with the mafia.

My hero is drop-dead gorgeous. Model gorgeous. That's what every girl wants, right? Someone very handsome to sweep her off her feet. I don't want to give my readers unrealistic expectations of men, but seriously, I need to be able to sell this baby, so I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

In fact, his only flaw is that he is a dangerous guy who wants to kill her. Even after they're married he has to suppress his violent desires. Sure, this may be over the top, but if I'm going to make a name for myself, I need to be outrageously original. He's 80 years older than her. He sneaks into her room at night like a stalker, just to watch her sleep. Creepy, but I think my readers will understand what I'm trying to do. Every girl wants a guy who can't stand to be away from her, right?

But why think small? I've already planned my sequels! In the last book, my hero and the heroine finally get hitched. By delaying this momentous turn in the plot until the last book, I can milk out a few more bucks from my fans.

After the wedding, the story doesn't end. My heroine gets pregnant and dies shortly after giving birth to a beautiful baby monster. And they live happily ever after.

I'll give the books hippie-sounding names for added appeal... names like "Moonbeam" or "Starshine". Hopefully the books will sell well enough to require sequels, and if I'm lucky, maybe even a movie deal. I'll be set for life.

Your loving daughter,
Stephenie Meyer

Open Letter

Some of you were apparently distraught by yesterday's post which referenced the past in the future tense. We used the word "yesterday" to refer an event which happened the day before and today we will make the old record current. Got all that?

Some probably assumed, erroneously, that yesterday's use of "yesterday" was a mistake. You know what they say about assumptions. We were actually trying to point out a major flaw in the time space continuum and derive a semi-semantic conclusion about the ineptitude of the modern tongue. So, in reality, you were the ones who made a mistake. Makes you think twice about the English language doesn't it?

Well, how's that for an excuse? I think we're getting better at it.

Dear Matt Damon,

You rock. You have this knack for adding gravity to every role you play and transforming mediocre scripts into critically and popularly acclaimed masterpieces. Your face has this amorphous quality to it exudes manliness, sensitivity and art all at the same time. You are, without a doubt, one of the finest male leads ever to act in Hollywood and have proven your versatility with numerous roles. You are an A-list actor and one of the best on that list.

You – and this is going to get even more gushy than the first paragraph so skip down a few lines if you're the judging kind – make me swoon like no other man. I mean that in a purely man-man context; but you still make me swoon. Maybe swoon isn't the right word...

At the same time there is an ugly rumor – the kind of rumor that ruins the reputation of respectable junior high girls – that you will be abandoning your loyal fans; leaving us behind and ignoring our cinematic desires. I'm writing, of course, about the Bourne franchise and the recent announcement of two new movie adventures in planning...without you. Rumor has it you are leaving Robert Ludwig's creation behind and that, because you don't want to be typecast as an action hero, you are going to seek your fame and fortune elsewhere. You said as much in an promotion interview for your latest film, Ocean's Thirteen.

You, Matt, are the only person who can carry the role of Jason Bourne. I have followed the series since you were first introduced in Identity and completely associate you with the quick thinking former black operations officer. You define the role. Matt Damon and Jason Bourne are synonyms in my book. Your parents may just as well have named you for that role; had they known Ludwig, I would suspect the connection.

If you choose to move away from the Bourne franchise, you will join legions of down and out actors who left what worked to “try something different” only to be panned later on. Al Pacino could have stuck with successful movies like Godfather, but he decided to seek himself in overacted critical flops like Simone. Halle Berry had a great career ahead of her before she settled for Catwoman. Even Robin Williams, the genius behind Mrs. Doubtfire, had to let it all go to star in stupid comedies like the one in theaters now. William's only recent good movie was Good Will Hunting, which, coincidentally, was a movie you wrote and starred in.

Can't you read the tea leaves?

Please say that your comments were a publicity move to direct the media to your current project. Please deny the rumors and say you will never forsake your loyal fans. Please don't abandon us. Please make another movie so I can get of my knees and stop my crazy Bourne vigils. Please, Matt?

Respectfully,

Funny Class Notes

This Is Our Canvas: The FCN Philosophy

Some folks are pathogenically artistic. Every move is a calculated expression; their thespian side knows no limit and articulation is their forté and their faiblesse (to use a little Français).

I know; the above paragraph looks like it was written by some off the deep end artso who is so intent on clipping his nose hair that he never stops to balance his budget. Let me assure you that, while I do meticulously maintain proper limits on my nasal follicles, I also take time to manage my finances. I am also very proud of my sniffer, thank you, and would appreciate if you stopped staring.

Ah, but my proboscis (my beak, snoot – snout if you’re from the north – nozzle, schnoz or schnozzle, if you prefer) is a great topic for another post. Let’s leave my olfactory organ alone and stop asking how we got here in the first place.

You can always tell the serious artistic cases (the ones that need to be put in the Intensive Care Unit so their “art” can’t reach the outside world and pollute all of us) by the way they use human form in their art.

An artist feels that the moment he scoots out of the womb he’s got to start improving the world. Sometimes they begin their improvements before the big send off (that’s called a breach pregnancy), but most of the time they grab the nearest artistic tool as soon as they're old enough fit it into their mouths.

The ultimate expression of an artistic being is a tattoo. Ask anyone who as undergone the highly painful and slightly humiliating process of tattooing and you may very well get a response like “My body is my canvas.” Any other response can be attributed to an over-endowed sense of manliness or complete idiocy.

This belief -- that the body is a tool for expression -- is a dead ringer for an artistic expressionist; someone's gone over the imagination waterfall and is still trying to find his floaties. In fact several studies have linked breach pregnancy babies to an increased tattoo risk. One even advised parents to tattoo their breach young with an acceptable mark to mitigate the chance of an inappropriate one later in life.

In general, the more tattoos a person has the more likely they would have led a successful artistic career had they not ruined their chances by getting the tattoo in the first place.

But how did we get from my nose to breach pregnancies and tattoos? This is like a conversation with that woman from Raley’s. Goodness sakes alive (her words, not mine)!

FCN is, in an odd sort of way, my tattoo. It’s my canvas; my place to express deceptively shallow material disguised with humor to look deep (hence the need for floaties). If you remove the needles and pain but keep the humiliation and mix in an odd sort of cyber permanence, you get FCN.

FCN even has some of the disadvantages of a tattoo. If my employer finds out who I am and what I write, I could lose my job. My female friends stop talking to me after reading FCN, not unlike the way they would if they discovered a nasty tat; even my mothers (biological and cyberphysical) have to take me aside sometimes after reading something here.

FCN reaches under the skin and make a lasting mark. Once you've been here, you're pretty much marked for life. Removal is expensive, painful and not 100% successful. We're sorry but it's something you are going to have to talk with your future spouse about.

That's the FCN philosophy in a nutshell. But showing off the tattoo is getting old and waxing philosophical is more painful than, well, nose hair clipping, so if you'll excuse me I am going to make a phone call to one of my jock friends (with real tattoos) who wouldn't know Mona Lisa if she slapped him in the face to have a conversation about "nothing."

New Mexico Is So Boring...

New Mexico is a medium sized state nestled between Arizona and Texas. It is also one of the four corner states and, with those two exceptions, there is nothing notable about New Mexico. Serious. The “Welcome To Our Very Humble State” Visitors Center talks about all the things to see and do...in Colorado, Texas and Arizona. The state's main attractions are all based on history – a not-so-subtle admission that the present is uninteresting. The state bird is the Roadrunner, a creature stolen from neighboring Arizona. The state motto is even less inspiring: “Grow as it goes.” Try waiting around for that. Yawn. If you're from the Land of Enchantment, please don't take this the wrong way; you're state was probably once very engaging. Probably. Maybe. Possibly. Anyway, today New Mexico is boring. Yes, boring. New Mexico is so boring...

...Illegal immigrants have been known to run south across the border.

...M.C. Hammer lost "it" in Albuquerque.

...It's biggest claim to national fame is to have sponsored a presidential candidate.

...It's biggest claim to literary fame is D.H. Lawrence. You can visit his ranch outside Taos and see a small painted urn with his ashes. It's five dollars admission.

...It's biggest claim to artistic fame is the Museum of International Folk Art, featuring beautiful sculptures made in places other than New Mexico.

...It's biggest claim to state pride is beating Arizona to statehood by a month. Die copper state!

...Nobody bothered to mark the border between Old and New.

...The only thing that is burned in effigy is a large paper mannequin.

...The designers of Route 66 decided this stretch of country was lonely enough.

...Most historical “artifacts” are actually just dead.

...Even the historical artifacts are bored.

Congratulations! You Won The Beauty Contest!

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the 2007 Beauty Contest Champion! Not you, young lady. Those pink digits will lose their velvety softness if you smack them into each other like the ruffians down there. Simply tap them together like chopsticks; pay no mind to the noise – or lack thereof; it’s the image that counts.

This young lady has just won the beauty contest! That means that she has delayed the natural biological process of aging and protected her God-given features better and more completely than any of the other contestants. Her face is only a little more textured than the day she was born. With strong SPF sunscreen and a little luck, she’ll stay smooth for a few more decades.

Give it up for the girl who has deferred entropy, halted decay and generally preserved perfection!

I can't hear you! Yeah, that's better.

This young woman was gifted with these stunning looks from the beginning and she’s done everything in her power to maintain them. Today, we recognize that sacrifice.

Hoist that trophy high! Or, because your arms are about as strong as a couple of rotten toothpicks, ask boyfriend to hoist it for you. Better yet, having large, heavy objects above your flawless visage is inadvisable because gravity has a way of causing hideous scares. We’ll just snap the photograph with the award on the table.

And we’ll need to have a conversation with boyfriend. Can’t have you two making any mistakes that would irreversibly alter your appearance, if you know what I mean.

Go now, and celebrate your victory with cake and streamers. Or, on second thought, better not touch the cake whose simple sugars and heavy fats would probably ride your slow metabolism right to your hips. Instead, try some more of that fat free yogurt; it’s a thinning substitute. And better dispense with the streamers too. Those can malfunction and cause nasty, career ending, flesh wounds.

On consideration, it’s probably best you avoid all sharp objects. A single two-second accident can reverse a lifetime of herbal treatments. Let others do the chopping, cutting, hauling and stacking; you can sit back and look beautiful.

Speaking of which, that gorgeous crown atop your head had better come down. Not only is it a gravity hazard, it threatens to tousle your carefully formed locks and ruin an otherwise impeccable hairstyle.

But go; enjoy your victory; you’ve earned it!