What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Monday, August 31, 2009

How to Play Pedestrian Polo

In the spirit of the wildly successful game Traffic, we give you it's evil twin, Pedestrian Polo.


To score as many points as possible by fulfilling achievements that involve impacting your car against pedestrians at a speed of no less than 15 MPH (unless otherwise noted).


- A car.
- Bumper protectors (like the ones you see on cop cars) are recommended but optional.


Pedestrian Polo is like making car payments: it never ends. The moment you get behind the wheel, the game is on; you have a chance to score fresh achievements and get ahead of your friends. The ongoing, honor-based point system keeps drivers constantly on the lookout for new pedestrians.

As a rule of thumb, double your point value for striking two pedestrians simultaneously; triple for three, and so on. Also, double all your points if you are a professional driver (bus, taxi, race car, etc).


Little White Man Indeed. Stop at a crosswalk on a red light. When pedestrians pass in front of you, ram them.

2 points: The pedestrian squeaks on impact.
4 points: The pedestrian has a cane or walker.
5 points: The pedestrian attempts to leap out of the way but fails.
8 points: The pedestrian hesitates, and you wave that it's okay to pass.
10 points: The pedestrian is your landlord.

Fresh Air. Without slowing down, cross to the left side of the road and take out a pedestrian with your door.

3 points: The pedestrian is just exiting a building.
4 points: The pedestrian is holding no less than two bags of groceries.
6 points: Close the door just before striking a telephone pole or other object.
8 points: The pedestrian is on a crosswalk.
13 points: Use the passenger side door.

Collateral Suicide. Impact a pedestrian as you go off a bridge.

2 points: The pedestrian was considering suicide already.
6 points: The pedestrian had considered suicide and had just decided life was worth living.
8 points: Leap out of the car just before it goes over the edge.
15 points: Stay in the car and survive.

No Safe Haven. Impact a pedestrian indoors.

5 points: Shopping mall.
8 points: A spa.
13 points: Traffic school.
18 points: The top of a sky scraper.
35 points: A basement.
39 points: A legislative building.

Part of the Plan. Impact someone to whom you have just given a ride.

1 point: Pick up a hitch hiker, drive him at least a quarter mile, then have him get out and ram him.
3 points: Drive your friend to school.
7 points: Carpool with a coworker.
14 points: Carpool with your boss.

Mesmerizing. Approach the pedestrian slowly for at least twenty seconds, then accelerate and ram.

3 points: The pedestrian never saw you coming.
9 points: The pedestrian watched, stupefied.
27 points: The pedestrian had a gun pulled on you and was yelling at you to halt.

Ambush. Impact a pedestrian who is between you and the road.

4 points: Hide in an alley until the opportune moment.
7 points: Conceal your car in trees and bushes.
16 points: Wait in a building, and crash through a large window on your way to the target.
29 points: Crash through a large window on a story other than the ground level and land on the target.

That was Deliberate. Impact a famous or dangerous person.

1 point: Registered sex offender.
3 points: Politician.
6 points: Actor.
8 points: Simon Cowell.
9 points: Barack Obama.
14 points: Bruce Willis.
15 points: A wanted terrorist.
40 points: Chuck Norris.

Only Yourself to Blame. Impact without turning on your engine.

3 points: Push your car down a hill.
10 points: Push your car along a flat plane.
12 points: Tow your car behind another, then disengage the tow line and slingshot into your target.

Karma. Impact another pedestrian polo player.

20 points.


Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you guys live in a different country to me!!

Levi Bendixen said...

That was great! I laughed a lot!

Anonymous said...

WOW, I should hurry up and get a car.

Anonymous said...

They took away my license cuz I got too many(12) points.........

Lauren said...

I am still blowing out pieces of a noodle that went up my nose while reading this.