The problem with lady contributors

A year ago this August, Funny Class Notes invited Chip to join our writing staff. His impeccable wit, coupled with a double chin that, if unified into one jaw, would make Jay Leno jealous, drew him instantly into our good recognizance.

It wasn't long after he joined that Chip was a favorite at the FCN headquarters. One look at his full figure striding toward us in his singularly jocular way and we would know something fun was about to happen.

Chip is just the sort of vivacious personality you can rely on for a good chuckle or even a tawdry laugh. If you have never engaged in a tawdry laugh, by the way, they come highly recommended. TLs, as we call them around here, are exceptionally pleasant and very good for the tonsils, if you still have yours.

As a contributor, Chip was anything but a disappointment. He brought his A game to FCN and we are exceptionally proud to have him as contributeur extraordinaire. In the interest of full disclosure, Chip is going to use this post as a letter of recommendation.

I wish I could say the same nice things about our lady contributors. A few weeks ago, FCN hosted an article about image consciousness at the gym. The article was written by one of our writers from the female persuasion and was, admittedly, full of well-considered prose.

But guys and girls do not talk about the gym the same way. When guys write about the gym, they write like this. When they talk about the gym, guys talk like this.

Females do not have the same way of expressing themselves. For one thing, females have a completely different reason for going to the gym. Most want to stay or become slender and work on their "tone," whatever that is.

Guys want to bulk. Adding weight is something they do to dumbells and their biceps.

Most guys I know are happy when they make a new weight (meaning a higher one). They announce their weight to everyone in the locker room and make sure all in earshot are aware of their accomplishment.

When guys ask each other about their weight, it isn't an insult. Guys ask perfect strangers, other guys they just met and their spotter about their weight and when guys lie about their three digit number (and it's always a three digit number), it's usually to inflate the truth, not lighten it.

I know some girls who get ecstatic about changes in their weight, but it's usually because they're seeing a lower number on the scales, not because they added a few pounds over the weekend.

But back to our lady contributors. Every post published on this auspicious webpage is automatically republished on my facebook. My facebook feed is terribly lonely without the regular spice of FCN content and I hate to leave my followers (or is that twitter?) without some kind of update about my life and times.

The gymvisiblity post -- the one that brought an estrogen-filled perspective to your local fitness center -- received some interesting reactions on my facebook:

My friend Katie, who I don't see very much, said "oh...my." She thought I was growing into a woman.

Samantha, from the swim team, tried to encourage me to work out harder to impress people instead of hiding.

My buddy Phillip called me an ox. Try calling a woman that, Phil!

Nick from school said I was a total spaz. Or a genius.

And Jeremy completely understood my plight. Apparently he, too, thinks like a woman when he goes to the gym.

So I'm stuck with whatever the ladies on the team write. You gals are awesome, but sometimes I wish you were more...manly.