What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Re: Mushy Date

FCN received the following email about a recent post. Have you got a witty response to one of our tomes? Send it in here!

Dearest C,

As a human I must comment on your date. As a man I must give you some
pointers. As a friend I MUST speak to you and teach you how to REALLY
be romantic.

C...you miss the point. You are trying to mushy, not romantic. Mushy
has no place in relationships. It is not an objective. The objective
is love. Your goal is to communicate how much you love her with every
word, deed, thought, everything. Here are your mistakes.

A) "Did it hurt?" As if pain is in any way related to Grethel?!?
Grethel is not pain. She does not make you think of pain. There is
absolutely no link in the whole wide world between Grethel and pain.
This explains Grethel's surprised "Did what hurt?" response. You lose
1 point.

B) Grethel did not fall out of heaven. This implies that she was cast
out the same way Satan was. If there is no link between pain and
No! Linking Grethel with Satan was a colossal error. You lose 5

A better way to handle this situation would be to say as a more
appropriate greeting: I am glad heaven sent you to me. This statement
has numerous advantages. It sends all the messages of your attempted
line without any negative connotations. It also implies that she was
picked by heaven specifically for you. Good. Avoid the temptation to
add the word 'tonight' at the end of the sentence though. If you do
you will be stating that this is only a temporary arrangement at best.

C) YOU ZONED OUT WATCHING SPORTS?!? You can zone out staring into her
eyes, that's fine. But do not zone out looking anywhere other than her
eyes on a date. Ever. Mistake. You lose 1 point.

D) Nice save. You realize your sports zone out mistake and cover it
with the old 'getting lost in your eyes line' Good cover up. You gain
1 point.

E) "your eyes are blue like the ocean and I just keep getting lost at
sea" Lost at sea? What? You are NEVER lost with Grethel. When you are
with her you are found. She has the key to your heart. Getting lost
implies that you are unable to find your objective. Grethel is your
objective. If you are lost it means you aren't with Grethel. You lose
2 points.

F) There is no need to rearrange the alphabet. That implies that the
natural order needs to be changed to accommodate your relationship.
Instead of moving U and I together. Talk about how your alphabet runs
from 'A' to 'G' because once you hit Grethel there is no need to move
on. You lose 1 point.

G) "thorn by a rose" would be a nice line if it wasn't so close to
thorn in your side. Also, thorns are bad. You may be inferior (all
guys are right?) but you are not bad. Say that she is the rose and you
are the lowly leaf which supports and give nutrients to the rose. This
shows the two of you working together. That is a good thing. Thorns
are not. You lose 1 point.

H) Her smile was in your back pocket?!? You lose 10 points!!!
- If her smile was in your back pocket that means you were sitting on
it the whole meal!
- Anything, and I mean ANYTHING that Grethel gives you or you find
from her is near (or in) your heart (much less something so precious
as a smile) You have the key to her heart on a chain around your neck.
Her smile is in your heart. Near your heart you always carry the first
picture the two of you took together etc.

I) 3 points for the wonderful way to hold hands. Brilliant. I applaud
you. However you lose 1 point for wasting her time. You tell a long
story that ultimately leads to nothing? NO! Again I say NO! Say that
there is a rabbit who wants to get across the river and the rabbit is
named 'C' Then say that a bunnyrabbit, 'Grethel', comes along, you
build a raft together and happily sail down the river of life
together. After telling this story shrug and say "Maybe I'm silly. I
don't know, I just wanted to hold your hand."

J) Excellent afternoon is a very noncommittal response. No points
gained or lost. A better response would have been to say: "May the God
who gave you to me guide my steps to you again in the near future.
Until then may he watch over you and give you a wonderful day." THAT
is a farewell.

Those are just a few of the thoughts I had as I glanced over your
limited commentary on your meal. Please consider these comments in the
same friendly spirit in which they were given.

Your total score is: -17

I doubt you will see Grethel ever again.

Remember C...love. Not mushy. Just: Love.


Randy Hawthorn

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

WOW... how spacific you have to be just to make a date successful!!!