Note to Self #8

In the future, begin filing taxes before April 15.

Stimulus Monday

The times, they have a-chang-ed.

The passage of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 (the largest peaceful power grab by any government in human history) is a clear sign to anyone who hasn't been paying attention that the future is not what it once seemed. Changing times call for new, flexible survival plans. Today: surviving the ARRA (or, in shorthand, the stimulus act). How do you survive - no, thrive - in the changing economic climate of the ARRA?

Unfortunately, Congress was unable to read the bill before it was passed. This is understandable as legislators are very busy people with a lot on their plate. The economy is hurting and can't reasonably be expected to survive unless the smart folks in Washington give it a bunch of our children's money. Thank goodness the bill passed so expeditiously!

First, let's clear up some confusion about the size of the bill.

MYTH: The ARRA costs about $789,000,000,000.00 over 10 years.

That's absolutely true if you count all the government grants and nothing else. But the grants account for only a small portion of the bill - the bulk of it lies in "temporary" spending increases to critical government functions, mostly in health care. Temporary? What does that mean? Don't panic, these wonderful spending raises will never leave us. Temporary is just a word politicians use to say they'll hammer out the details later. Add the grants, temporary spending, and debt fees together, and you get:

FACT: The true cost of the ARRA is $3,270,000,000,000.00 over 10 years.

$2.527 trillion in spending + $744 billion in debt servicing = $3.27 trillion, or about $18,165 per taxpayer. That's a pretty hefty financial payload coming your way, but keep your shirt on. Follow our advice below and the ARRA will be the best thing that happened to your wallet since ... well, ever. You'll be eating caviar in your penthouse looking down at all the starving little people who didn't have ARRASPs.

MYTH: Bailout money is being given to people who will lose their jobs without it.

One of the most tragic misconceptions about the ARRA is that money is given out based on need/potential contribution to the economy. On the contrary! The ARRA is just like everything else in America - a payback. For every action, there is a reaction. For every contribution to the political power of the Democratic party, there is a line in the stimulus bill.

Consider the $950,000 being given to the militant Hispanic-rights group National Council of La Raza. Consider the $6.6 million being invested in researching a rare insect (the Formosan Subterranean Termite). Consider the $855,000 funding a new parking garage in Massachusetts. Consider the $1.9 million spent on a water taxi in Connecticut. Or the $2.9 million to build a bike trail in Illinois.

FACT: Bailout money is given to change the balance of power in Washington.

It's not about need, it's about political favors. Some people are getting all bent out of shape about that because they have unrealistic notions about how government works. It's time for them to wake up and look around. In the post-Obama world, the government is just another branch of the economy. In a few years, the economy will be just another branch of the government. Economic laws absolutely apply to government action. Political campaigns cost a lot of money, and campaign contributors need to be paid back! It's only fair. Not passing this bill would be highway robbery.

How to Thrive under the ARRA

But we're not here to defend the impeccable ethics of the stimulus act. We're here to show you how to leverage it to your advantage. The renewable energy industry sank millions of dollars into the democratic party, and has been rewarded with more than four billion dollars in return. Now that's results!

And how do you do that? By becoming important to the balance of power in Washington. There are many ways of doing this. The simplest way is by becoming involved in the campaigns of liberal politicians in your area. Give them money, work "as a campaign volunteer" full-time, recruit everyone you know to help out and post campaign paraphernalia on every piece of real and personal property you own. Make sure the politician realizes how much he owes you big. Then when he gets elected, remind him about how your business could sure use help to survive in these harsh economic times (be sure to use that phrase: harsh economic times). If you don't have a business, start one. It doesn't have to be serious. Learn from the termite researchers and bike trail pavers of the past. Then skip and clap in glee when you get a check in the mail for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Worth it? You better believe it.

If you're rich enough (for example, if you've already done the above method), you can start buying campaign victories by founding a Political Action Committee (PAC) that isn't affiliated with a candidate. Give it a nice independent-sounding name like "American Taxpayer Coalition" (that name hasn't been taken yet - you don't have to thank us). Run saturation attack ads on the fiscal conservative(s) in the race and be sure to mention constantly that you are an independent watchdog organization that is in no way related to any of the candidates. The liberals who benefit won't forget your generous efforts.

As you climb the political pyramid, you'll start finding that people start coming to you for favors. Be sure to reward them generously to keep them coming back for more. Loyalty is everything. When you think you've amassed enough power, call in all your favors and run for office. Everyone who owes you (both up and down the pyramid) will come in and help you as you helped them.

From there, you can broker power directly by passing bills to help your supporters. Don't be shy about this: there are lots of other people bidding for power. You've got to be absolutely ruthless about handing out those taxpayer dollars if you want your people to stay loyal. Conservatives will whine about how corrupt you are because they're too naive to understand how government works. But fortunately, conservatives aren't in power anymore. You can see why. Make the powerful people happy and all of a sudden that eighteen grand (and the general well-being of the nation) will be peanuts.

Inspiring Conclusion

As you can see, surviving in the ARRA isn't about running away from your troubles. You've got to work hard, be patient, and pay everyone for an honest day's work with taxpayer dollars. In short, you've got to live the New American Dream. The journey will not be easy, and there will be days you feel like just quitting and getting a normal job. Don't relent.

The political industry is the only one with a bright future in America. With a lot of effort and a little unyielding hope, that shining star of financial bounty can be reached by anyone.

Now isn't that inspiring?

On Psychopath Rights

For a long time, we here at FCN have more or less kept to personal issues and stayed out of politics. We don't like to embroil ourselves in the system when our ideas are already so well defended by people like Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama (both of whom we are strongly considering endorsing for President).

But there is a critical issue that is going almost totally undressed unaddressed in today's political debate, and it's high time a dialog was begun. In a society that prides itself on providing equal rights to all, FCN must be the voice that defends an undefended minority: the psychopaths.

That's right, the psychopaths.

Few people don't know that psychopathy encompasses a small but growing minority, including approximately one in five federal prison inmates. And while other minorities like women, asians, homosexuals, and vegetarians are making steady inroads toward acceptance in modern society, psychopaths are still regarded with an emotional, primeval horror.

Psychopaths make most people feel very uncomfortable. Think back to the first time you saw someone with a skin color radically different from your own. Probably the only thing keeping you from hiding your discomfort was the fact that you knew (because you had been told beforehand) that race has no effect on personhood. When you meet a gay person (this assumes you are not also gay), you don't recoil with a queasy expression. This is because you know better. You know that gays are people too.

Alas, no one is speaking in defense of the American Psychopath. There are no Psychopath organizations and the few support groups all treat psychopathy like some sort of mental disease, just as the American Psychiatric Association did homosexuality until 1973. There are no Psychopath rallies, holidays, or parades. There are no cities associated with psychopathy (although I went to Nice on the French Riviera once and thought they were pretty open about it).

Here's the deal: in a society which actively seeks to embrace every sort of minority, psychopathy is inexplicably and openly condemned. It's not acceptable to be a psychopath in today's day and age. You don't see psychopaths coming out of the closet! Why? Because if the public gets wind of it, you'll find yourself behind bars or worse within a matter of months.

Oh, you think we're exaggerating. You think the criminal justice system doesn't have a bias against psychopaths. Then how do you explain the fact that fully half of all convicted serial and repeat rapists are also psychopaths? Obviously this is because psychopaths don't stand a chance before a prejudiced jury.

Someone ought to do a To Kill a Mockingbird remake involving a psychopath.

Folks, it's time to set our primitive discriminatory misgivings aside and embrace all Americans as truly equal. It's time to realize that psychopaths are people too, which of course means we need to treat them as if they were exactly the same as everyone else. It's time to let go of our fears and take the hands of the people on either side, and unite in a great big circle and sing kumbaya.

Maybe then psychopaths will have true representation, equality and opportunity in this country. If you are voting in any election tomorrow, please don't hold anyone's psychopathic tendencies or identity against them. Look beyond the brain-deep flaws and cast your vote without prejudice.

My Dreams Can Now Be Realized!

Dark times were swirling around my house – my dog died, my abs were sore and there weren't any good movies in theaters – until I got an email from some very kind people offering to have the “Government fund my dreams.” I won't give you all the address, because I want this opportunity exclusively for myself, but let it suffice to say that I think they are serious and I am ready to be doted upon.

In case you forgot or someone didn't tell you, I dream big. My dreams are about fifteen story mansions, trophy wives and all the chicken soup my little tummy can hold. They are filled with grandeur, romance and money, lots and lots of money. Fast cars and fast Internet connections.

You guys figure into my dreams as well, at least I think you do. The faithful few are mostly in the dreams I forget the next day. The dreams I remember of the selfish ones of personal success and fame.

That's why I am giddy over the concept of the Government funding my dreams. You see, the Government is big and famous and has a fast Internet connection. It builds big mansions and controls so many billions of dollars that even Bill Gates has to get out his calculator to understand the numbers.

The Government is everywhere. There is some at the local, state, federal and – and you can't go around telling people this because it's a secret – international level. The Government is big, taking a goodly portion of everyone's money for the benefit of people who dream, like me. It is worthy, supporting causes of magnitude and significance. It is benevolent, helping derelicts who can't make it on their own. And it is gentle. Yes, the Government is gentle. So soft and loving that a toddler would burp in its presence, so caring and considerate that a grandma would invest her life savings in its brawny arms and so kind that true hearts cry when it's hurt.

Yeah, I need to lay off the Lifetime channel.

With the government in the picture, I can afford to dream even bigger. Little things become big things when you add a few million dollars. I can't wait to see what the Government has in store for me.

My ship has come in, my ride has arrived, my chariot is on fire. Or something like that.

You all can dream, but sans Government assistance, your dreams will be Lysol Dreams: sterile, noxious and not worth living. If this is your future and you want something more, I encourage you to contact your local Government representatives and find out what Uncle Sam can do for you. A fifteen minute call could save your dreams...

An Open Letter to Uncle Sam

Dear Uncle Sam,

I’ve seen your picture several times on various billboards around town and always admired your stern confidence, unwavering confidence, and inspiring confidence. Your white beard reminds of Colonel Sanders, your demeanor like a car salesman closing a deal and your pointed finger looks a little crooked, but I’ve gotten past these aesthetic elements and fallen in love with the way you express yourself and the ideas you hold dear.

You see, I am a working man. While taking a full load at the university, I work part time at General Mills, where I perform an important security function and help to keep millions of Americans young and old from the dangers of rotten cereal. Some would say I help keep the cereal killers off our grocery store shelves. But that’s such a dumb pun, I would never use it.

For my work, I receive a paycheck. The compensation isn’t anything substantial – I neither work enough hours nor have enough skill to justify anything significant – but it is my money, a collection of hard earned pennies that I like to spend as I please.

Of course, I can’t spend all of the money as I please. Gas is expensive and driving between school, work and home requires a good lot of it. I also have to buy food and, while my housing costs are covered and I don’t have to pay an electricity or water bill, I eat a lot, so my meal costs can take quite a bit.

For entertainment, I invest nominal amounts of money into failed business ventures (although usually people don't tell me the business will fail beforehand) and I also have to keep enough on hand to cover the many chump change bets I place with family and friends.

Of all the things I devote my paycheck to, however, you are at the top.

My employer kindly provides a breakdown of little “deductions” taken off my check before I cash it at the bank. The sums aren’t huge, but they are persistent. The other day, I calculated that in a ten day pay period, I work the first day and a half to pay you. It’s not as if I am making enough money to place my earnings in a higher income bracket, either; I earn student subsistence wages.

The money isn’t taken from me, though. It’s not as if it’s stolen or anything like that. The funds are just withheld, which is a nicer and cleaner way of taking it. I don't have to hold the money and grow attached to its papery softness before your crooked nose enters my line of vision and carts it away.

I used to be kind of sore about all of this, but the more I think about it the more I realize that you are probably a better financial manager than me. So I am really not at all mad about everything you take before I have a chance at it.

In a few months when I fill out my first tax return, I will do so with a smile. Thank, Uncle Sam!

With all cyber-sincerity,

FCN