The Ultimate Do It Yourself Post

Hello, class. Today we’re taking the do it yourself post to a whole new level. First things first. Go grab a writing utensil and a piece of scrap paper. Number it from 1-10. All you need to do is think up some random words to fill in the blanks to create your own personalized post. Don’t scroll down and read the rest of the post until you are completely finished making your list of words. I mean it. Good luck.

Here are the words you need:

1. a verb ending in “ing”

2. an adjective

3. a verb

4. a noun

5. a verb

6. an adjective

7. a noun

8. a celebrity name

9. a unit of time

10. a celebrity name

Now that you’re done, scroll down and put your own creative words into the appropriate blanks.

Today when I was __1___ with President Obama, we had a/an ___2___ conversation. He asked me what I thought he should do about the economy. I said, “Well, Mr. President, if you want to ___3___ the people, you should ask the ____4___ what the best option would be.”

“Uh, that’s not a bad idea. I’ll ___5___ with that idea and see what happens.”

Little did I know that the ___6___ future of the economy now depended on my advice. President Obama whipped out his cell ___7___ and called his right hand man, ___8___. After a brief conversation, he hung up the phone.

“Ok, that does it. In 5 ___9___, the world will do what I like best… change. I have just given all power to ___10___.”

Oh brother.

20th Do It Yourself Post

Barack Obama is __________.

Stimulus Monday

The times, they have a-chang-ed.

The passage of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 (the largest peaceful power grab by any government in human history) is a clear sign to anyone who hasn't been paying attention that the future is not what it once seemed. Changing times call for new, flexible survival plans. Today: surviving the ARRA (or, in shorthand, the stimulus act). How do you survive - no, thrive - in the changing economic climate of the ARRA?

Unfortunately, Congress was unable to read the bill before it was passed. This is understandable as legislators are very busy people with a lot on their plate. The economy is hurting and can't reasonably be expected to survive unless the smart folks in Washington give it a bunch of our children's money. Thank goodness the bill passed so expeditiously!

First, let's clear up some confusion about the size of the bill.

MYTH: The ARRA costs about $789,000,000,000.00 over 10 years.

That's absolutely true if you count all the government grants and nothing else. But the grants account for only a small portion of the bill - the bulk of it lies in "temporary" spending increases to critical government functions, mostly in health care. Temporary? What does that mean? Don't panic, these wonderful spending raises will never leave us. Temporary is just a word politicians use to say they'll hammer out the details later. Add the grants, temporary spending, and debt fees together, and you get:

FACT: The true cost of the ARRA is $3,270,000,000,000.00 over 10 years.

$2.527 trillion in spending + $744 billion in debt servicing = $3.27 trillion, or about $18,165 per taxpayer. That's a pretty hefty financial payload coming your way, but keep your shirt on. Follow our advice below and the ARRA will be the best thing that happened to your wallet since ... well, ever. You'll be eating caviar in your penthouse looking down at all the starving little people who didn't have ARRASPs.

MYTH: Bailout money is being given to people who will lose their jobs without it.

One of the most tragic misconceptions about the ARRA is that money is given out based on need/potential contribution to the economy. On the contrary! The ARRA is just like everything else in America - a payback. For every action, there is a reaction. For every contribution to the political power of the Democratic party, there is a line in the stimulus bill.

Consider the $950,000 being given to the militant Hispanic-rights group National Council of La Raza. Consider the $6.6 million being invested in researching a rare insect (the Formosan Subterranean Termite). Consider the $855,000 funding a new parking garage in Massachusetts. Consider the $1.9 million spent on a water taxi in Connecticut. Or the $2.9 million to build a bike trail in Illinois.

FACT: Bailout money is given to change the balance of power in Washington.

It's not about need, it's about political favors. Some people are getting all bent out of shape about that because they have unrealistic notions about how government works. It's time for them to wake up and look around. In the post-Obama world, the government is just another branch of the economy. In a few years, the economy will be just another branch of the government. Economic laws absolutely apply to government action. Political campaigns cost a lot of money, and campaign contributors need to be paid back! It's only fair. Not passing this bill would be highway robbery.

How to Thrive under the ARRA

But we're not here to defend the impeccable ethics of the stimulus act. We're here to show you how to leverage it to your advantage. The renewable energy industry sank millions of dollars into the democratic party, and has been rewarded with more than four billion dollars in return. Now that's results!

And how do you do that? By becoming important to the balance of power in Washington. There are many ways of doing this. The simplest way is by becoming involved in the campaigns of liberal politicians in your area. Give them money, work "as a campaign volunteer" full-time, recruit everyone you know to help out and post campaign paraphernalia on every piece of real and personal property you own. Make sure the politician realizes how much he owes you big. Then when he gets elected, remind him about how your business could sure use help to survive in these harsh economic times (be sure to use that phrase: harsh economic times). If you don't have a business, start one. It doesn't have to be serious. Learn from the termite researchers and bike trail pavers of the past. Then skip and clap in glee when you get a check in the mail for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Worth it? You better believe it.

If you're rich enough (for example, if you've already done the above method), you can start buying campaign victories by founding a Political Action Committee (PAC) that isn't affiliated with a candidate. Give it a nice independent-sounding name like "American Taxpayer Coalition" (that name hasn't been taken yet - you don't have to thank us). Run saturation attack ads on the fiscal conservative(s) in the race and be sure to mention constantly that you are an independent watchdog organization that is in no way related to any of the candidates. The liberals who benefit won't forget your generous efforts.

As you climb the political pyramid, you'll start finding that people start coming to you for favors. Be sure to reward them generously to keep them coming back for more. Loyalty is everything. When you think you've amassed enough power, call in all your favors and run for office. Everyone who owes you (both up and down the pyramid) will come in and help you as you helped them.

From there, you can broker power directly by passing bills to help your supporters. Don't be shy about this: there are lots of other people bidding for power. You've got to be absolutely ruthless about handing out those taxpayer dollars if you want your people to stay loyal. Conservatives will whine about how corrupt you are because they're too naive to understand how government works. But fortunately, conservatives aren't in power anymore. You can see why. Make the powerful people happy and all of a sudden that eighteen grand (and the general well-being of the nation) will be peanuts.

Inspiring Conclusion

As you can see, surviving in the ARRA isn't about running away from your troubles. You've got to work hard, be patient, and pay everyone for an honest day's work with taxpayer dollars. In short, you've got to live the New American Dream. The journey will not be easy, and there will be days you feel like just quitting and getting a normal job. Don't relent.

The political industry is the only one with a bright future in America. With a lot of effort and a little unyielding hope, that shining star of financial bounty can be reached by anyone.

Now isn't that inspiring?

O's Inauguration Address

One of the most anticipated speeches of the new year is undoubtedly O's Inaugural Address, the speech he will give today after taking the oath of office as the 44th President of the United States. Through devious and irresponsible ways, FCN was able to obtain a late draft of the address -- one of the shortest on record for any modern President -- and we republish it here without permission:

President Bush Jr., distinguished guests, rediscovered family and my fellow citizens, the peaceful transfer of power is rare in history, yet common in our country. George, if you can pick this broadcast up in your Kenyan hut, the peaceful transfer of power is something your country could emulate. I'm just saying...that...with a simple oath, we affirm old traditions and make new beginnings. We draw the curtain on the past and begin a new genesis. We end old dynasties and start new ones. Do you hear that Malia Anne?

As I begin, I thank the outgoing President for his service to our nation. He did not deface public property by removing all the “O” letters from White House keyboards. For that, my administration and the American taxpayer are grateful.

And I thank Senator McCain for a contest conducted with the experience granted only by age. You had a lot of experience, Senator. Thank you for coming today. I know this is early for you and it’s pretty chilly out. But thanks for showing just the same.

As we stand here in this cold, I can’t help but blame former Vice President Al Gore for his effectiveness at curbing global warming. If he were less enthusiastic about eliminating the green house effect and halting the rise of world temperatures, we might be comfortable right now. I might be delivering this august address in shorts and a Hawaii shirt – ‘cause I’m from Hawaii and it would be warmer.

The weather aside, I am honored and humbled to stand here, on this stage that was erected in my honor and will be removed by minimum wage employees after we all go. Minimum wage employees, I might add, who will see a pay increase under my administration if I am able to clear the idea with my conservative cabinet. I am honored and humbled to stand here in front of all you people, almost as many as came out to my little thing in Germany and watch Reggeasänger Patrice, a German pop band Reamonn, a British DJ named Mantu, and me, Barack O’Bama, on a jumbotron. I mean, that was a great experience -- to be lauded by the world like that -- but this is an honor too.

We all have a story, all of us do. Some of our stories are an impromptu collection of chapters, hastily composed and poorly themed. Others have an anthology of words they tie together loosely under the banner of a message. That was McCain's flaw. I have the distinction of having a carefully marketed and highly honed message that is targeted at inspiring hope, passion and resolve among those who hear it. My story is effective because of its ability to motivate, change and motivate change.

You all know my story – it was in that Ross Perot-inspired infomercial before the election – so I won’t get into it now. It’s also really cold -- I can hear Michelle’s teeth chattering all the way over here -- and the punch may get cold if I keep you too long. But you can YouTube it. It’s an American story – about an American who was born in America with a credible American birth certificate and living American witnesses who verify his American legal status.

That was supposed to be an applause line, but we can’t have everything we want, right?

And that was supposed to be a joke. I should probably fire my speech writers. Maybe I’ll give them another chance because they wrote such a good story for me.

Oh. Not again. We seem to have a fainting. Someone fell down. Would you clear a space, please? Let her breathe. Do we have a medic? Some kind of paramedic or nurse or doctor? Here, I have a water bottle. Good thing too. She just needs to have a drink. Clear a path. Let her breathe...

This is what happens when you make history. People faint. It’s also what happens when you don’t eat breakfast or are dehydrated, but history making will do the trick too.

Gosh it’s cold. Did you know that William Henry Harrison died one month after his inaugural address after catching pneumonia at a very cold and wet March 4th inauguration? His speech was over 8,000 words long and took over two hours to read. I didn’t know it either. One of the secret service agents in the armored limo told me on the way up. Sure makes you want to wrap yourself up in some mink or other cute-creature fur and warm away the shivers, doesn’t it?

In fact, I’ve been told – I don’t know this for a fact – but I’ve been told that there is a heat warmed blanket waiting for me in the tinted window limo. That’s the reason we abandoned the retractable hardtop idea and opted for the tinted windows. So get that blanket warmed up, will you Rahm Emanuel? Thanks.

Oh it’s ready now?

Well ladies and gentlemen and George, if you could tune in, that’s about all I wanted to cover in this, my first official oration as President. Let me end by giving the news media a few quotable quips:

"An angel still rides in the whirlwind and directs this storm." That’s from Bush’s inauguration address eight years ago. It’s a good line.

"Intellect distinguishes between the possible and the impossible; reason distinguishes between the sensible and the senseless. Even the possible can be senseless." That’s Max Born.

"I know lots of people that take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work every day, no problem. But we never hear that side of the story." That was Lily Allen, the singer. And by the way, I’m trying to quit smoking.

"Hope springs eternal." That’s me. Hope.

God bless you all, and God bless America.

2008: A Year to Fit Between 2007 and 2009.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled FCN BC08 for your regularly scheduled New Year's posts.

Well, the year is over, as of 23:59:59 hours after this is posted.

It's been a good run. All kinds of things happened, which we will prove by fondly remembering them at this time, month by month.

JANUARY

Bush delivers a State of the Union address, which, unlike the one before it, focuses mainly on foreign affairs. He touches briefly on all the bad guys left in the world, such as democrats, and wonders aloud about amending the constitution to prevent them from holding office.

The democratic presidential race is shaken when the number 44 appears on Mr. O's forehead, presumably as an act of Some Vague Providential Being or Force that We All Believe In.

Bank of America buys Countrywide Financial and no one cares.

Hillary Clinton makes the memorable statement: "Boys are stupid."

FEBRUARY

Writer's Guild of America considers ending the strike and decides not to.

Mr. O rightfully calls himself: "The son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas, ordained to save America by all that is good in this world."

Bank of America's takeover of Countrywide Financial hits several snags related to the SRM Global Fund. Bank of America asks for a hug but doesn't get one.

A technical failure prevents BlackBerry users from accessing the interwebs for three hours. One of them exclaims: "I didn't know we had a pool!"

MARCH

US Yacht Club hosts America's Cup. This year, it proves to be the most exciting series of matchups in 157 years. In spite of this achievement, it remains even more boring than curling and snail racing combined.

In a suburban residence in Kansas, a fierce argument over the merits of Mac vs PC ensues.

Mr. O's pastor is revealed to have made some remarks which would have been very inappropriate coming from a white person. Mr. O makes a rousing speech which is instantly recognized as the greatest speech ever in the history of everything. A memorable excerpt: "I am not a black man first, and I am not an American Patriot first. In my mind, there is no difference between them."

A Rolling Stone staff writer invents the word "squeeb" and it doesn't catch on.

APRIL

Bank of America reports a 77% decline in earnings, which it blames on "those cheeky sniffing baboon nazis" at the SRM Global Fund.

F comes very close to getting a girlfriend but ends up playing Halo with the guys instead.

The IRS takes candy from a baby.

Scientists unearth the oldest human remains ever to be found in the Americas. Sophisticated dating equipment places the prehistoric fossil - which was apparently electrocuted by faulty wiring in a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner - at fourteen thousand years old.

Pope Benedict XVI visits Washington DC and urges every American to "do better."

MAY

Hugo Chavez refers to German Chancellor Angela Merkel as "Adolf Hitler without a mustache."

Bank of America/Citywide Financial announce that they will spend "the remaining 22%" on a Bankruptcy Prevention Fund. SRM Global is heard making sniggering noises.

Mr. O causes the sun to shine and the flowers to grow.

A disillusioned farm girl who went to Hollywood to make it big as an actress realizes they "just want me for my body."

JUNE

John McCain asks an aide: "Why are we campaigning in Barstow?"
To which the aide replies: "I'm not exactly sure."

A scientific breakthrough indicates that sandwiches made with bumblebee tuna are tastier than any other kind.

The UN tells Africa: "I don't care who started it. Both of you go to your room."

Virgin Galactic announces a "Race for Space," in which it will compete against itself.

N is invited to go backpacking in Europe. He turns down the offer because "the dollar is weak and I have homework to do."

JULY

Bank of America completes its purchase of Citywide Financial but forgets to get its credit card back. The bank calls later in the day to say it will swing by tomorrow to pick it up.

The release of the iPhone 3G renders MP3 players, gaming consoles, GPS devices, personal computers, telephones, hard drives, headphones, binoculars, webcams, crock pots, taking notes in class, saying I'm Sorry, the nation of Ukraine, and the Samsung Instinct obsolete.

James Cameron announces that he has discovered the lost kingdom of Atlantis. It ends up being a really dirty swimming pool.

The Dark Knight's opening weekend puts other movie's ticket sales into the negatives.

Mr. O releases a press statement saying: "Change We Can Believe In." The statement is true.

AUGUST

The glorious Russian Federation invades the Unworthy Nation of Georgia. The International Community says it was a good idea but wishes it had been consulted first.

Bank of America is subpoenaed for suspicious behavior while acquiring Citywide Financial. Share holders do a collective face palm.

The 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, China grind to a halt halfway through after Michael Phelps wins all the gold medals. He celebrates by swinging his arms back and forth and having a brief romantic fling with the grandmother of one of the Chinese gymnastic athletes.

Mr. O announces that his presidential running mate will not be Hillary Clinton.

SEPTEMBER

ThePirateBay.Org, one of the most popular internet piracy websites, gets its name and logo stolen by a video streaming site. Says Pirate Bay: "Oh snap!"

Wall Street decides to take advantage of the total lack of supervision it's getting from the Federal Government by collapsing. Billions of dollars are lost. Says Wall Street: "That'll show you."

A screenshot of Activision's upcoming WWII shooter Call of Duty: World at War is released. Master Chief announces that this is "the happiest day of my life."

Wal-Mart wins the title: "Best Worst Very Valuable Business in a Bad Class." In its absence, Wal-Mart's cousin accepts the award.

McCain announces that his presidential running mate will be Tina Fey.

OCTOBER

Polling data indicates that the only danger now facing Mr. O's campaign is a sudden attack from alien dinosaurs.

Josh Groban mistakenly releases his Christmas CD "Noel" eleven weeks early.

Halloween is a lot less fun than everyone had been hoping.

Freelance Folder publishes 15 Key Elements All Top Web Sites Should Have. FCN has none of them.

NOVEMBER

Mr. O is elected King of the Universe. His first order: as punishment, George W. Bush is to serve three more months as President. Says Joe Biden: "Serves him right."

Improvements to Google's Android phone renders the iPhone 3G obsolete.

Bob Halpert announces he's tired of sweeping the porch. He wants to go inside and watch TV. He does.

Global Warming ends up not being a problem after all. Says Al Gore: "My bad. It was an honest mistake. I'll go back to whining about 2000 now."

DECEMBER

A small number of Americans cling to guns and religion.

The average expected income from stock investing drops below sleeping in, asking a rich uncle for one more chance, and getting a payday advance.

The release of Grand Theft Auto IV for Windows causes America to become immoral.

Digital switchover of TV signals yields $1.5 billion for the US Treasury. C insists he'll still be able to get a signal after the switch with patience and a little aluminum foil.

Hillary Clinton named by Mr. O as the new Secretary of State. Says Hillary: "Whatever man!"

Projected President-Elect!

So Barack O'Bama is going to be our new President. I'm not going to lie: when I heard the news last week, I was elated. We've seen some 37 presidents since FCN started humbly back in 1821, but this guy - the 38th of our auspicious existence - has something different. He is very different. Incredibly unique. The first in a very different and incredibly unique way. How you ask? That's a good question. I'd give you the answer, but the way in which O'Bama is different just slipped my mind. It was right there, but it faded away like an enigma, like an old soldier.

Gagh! I wish I could remember what it is that makes O'Bama different!

I remember now. He's disabled. No. That's not it. He's Asian? Something like that. Hispanic? I'm not feeling it. He's a woman? That just sounds weird. I wish I could remember. He's old? No, that's his running mate. He's a Native American? Now, I'm trying too hard. Oh, I remember now. Barack O'Bama is gay. Yes, faithful few, O'Bama is gay. He is madly in love with Gavin Newsom. No, that's no it either.

I'm sorry faithful few. I can't remember what it is that makes O'Bama unique.

Whatever. I'm not going to cry over spilt milk. Back to the main story. Our nation just elected our second black President (after President Clinton, of course) and the first Arab-African/American.

Arab-African/American. That's the AAA that's not related to cars. It's one more A than the AARP, which O'Bama beat soundly on November 4th. Thank you, I thought that was particularly creative. It's three continents out of seven before Barry even exited the womb. It's a walking museum of cultural heritage. It's one part Machboo, one part Ugali, one part hamburger and three parts pure manly studliness. No wonder Newsome is all crazy about him.

O'Bama's life started rough. The son of a mill worker, O'Bama's father had to borrow fifty dollars to bring him home from the hospital. An impoverished youth, O'Bama saw first-hand the devastating effects of bad government and corporate greed when his family came under financial hardship. Or is that John Edwards? I get the two confused. Regardless, this is rags to riches journey of self discovery is making a stop at the White House. What a great story. This is starting to sound like a bad Disney movie.

And with this grand introduction, we welcome O'Bama to this great land and extend him the highest position of leadership we have. Great job, Senator, we look forward to the next four years.

2007: Clearing the fog off the rear view mirror

Wow. I can't believe how long it's been since I opened a window and began typing an FCN post. It's been longer than Mike Vick's prison tenure; longer than the gestation period of the Short-nosed Echidna, an egg laying mammal that looks like a porcupine but really isn't. It's been long enough for the cobwebs to form in our minds and the eggnog to settle comfortably in our stomachs and cork our sense of humor, as you can tell from the Echidna joke.

As I sit down to lovingly caress Kato's keys and move my fingers gingerly across letter markings that have yet to fade with heavy use, I wonder what in the world I am going to write about. This is supposed to be a year in review post, but all I can really think of is that final I bombed like Errol Flynn and Fred MacMurray. Thinking back further - and this is digging up ancient history, yellowed with embarrassment - I remember a bad date I had in early December. Remembering a whole year back, well that is going to burn some mental calories.

But I can afford to lose the weight. So, with a crack of my knuckles, a tilting of my head to pop those stressed vertebrae in the neck and a clearing of my throat, we're off to look at the biggest events of 2007:

Biggest yawner: Bulgaria and Romania join the European Union

Did anyone other than lordration read past the words Bulgaria and Romania? I mean, this issue has got to have someone's blood pumping (otherwise the nations at issue wouldn't have waited 'till the Year of Bond to join), but in this camp everything is very placid. What a yawner. I've heard that even important European diplomats couldn't keep their composure during the negotiations. I cannot look at that picture without yawning. Can you?

But seriously, we should be congratulatory. I mean, for the EU, this represents an almost 8% increase in the number of member nations. And while Bulgaria's big sunflower seed production numbers are unlikely to engender much excitement, the nation does have some quality exports in other areas.

Event most representative of America: Takeru Kobayashi

Looks like a typo, doesn't it? Something the fingers thought of before the head? Ah, grasshopper, you must let the white guys at FCN explain it to you. Kobayashi (a Japanese Kobe Bryant, hence the name similarities) is a champion speed eater. In front of a televised audience and against daunting and overweight competition, he is able to quickly shovel down inhuman quantities of hot dogs, burgers and auto parts. I made the last one up, but the hot dogs and burgers really did go down the gullet.

Kobayashi is the Tiger Woods of his sport. Nobody else is able to wolf down that much food and keep it down for the mandated twenty minutes (a process some competitors analogize to giving birth). Unfortunately, this mastication great ran into a rough patch when he was placed on injured reserve after hurting his jaw. Apparently he tried to talk with his mouth full.

Second biggest yawner: Presidential Campaigning

Apparently a passel of overweight white guys (including a white guy disguised as a black man and a man hiding in the body of a woman) have traversed the greater Iowa area saying the same things over and over again. News reporters have gotten especially excited about this process and have devoted months of coverage to this issue over the last year. Predictably, nothing has happened. 2008 promises some new developments, but the word is we'll have to wait until November for anything definite.

Biggest disappointment: Windows Vista

Kato had a hard time accepting that I was typing the word "Windows" using her hardware. She's acting up a little. Giving me a little feminine static. This is my first female computer and I am still trying to figure out how everything works. Please, give us a minute.

Oh yes, Mac released an operating system, too. It's called the Leopard, but it only comes in white.

EDITOR'S NOTE: There was a vicious FCN board meeting over this item. The sweat poured from our brows like Samurai Jack solving a riddle. We yelled till we were hoarse. We pounded our fists on the table. By table, I mean each other. Eventually us Vista users were "convinced" to let the item slide. After all, nobody can really get excited about Vista. Even if it does have cool see-through title bars. That you can change the color of. And the transparency. And saturation.

Biggest shocker: Kucinich tried to impeach Dick Cheney

Apparently a duck hunting accident is a crime of moral turpitude and an act of treason, because Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich put his already tenuous relationship with the Vice President on the rocks by filing impeachment papers against the former Wyoming Senator. Boy, Dennis, doing something like that is going to make those double dates really tense. And that's one more person you can't go duck hunting with.

Biggest cheaters: Floyd Landis, Marian Jones, Barry Bonds and Bill Belichick

You're right. Nothing has actually been proven and test results are inconclusive. But whether the sport is cycling, track, baseball or football, 2007 has had its share of suspected cheaters. Bonds applied the clear and the cream and then lied about it to under oath (uh oh!) and Floyd Landis' cup runneth over with positive testing. Jones lost all five of her Olympic medals and Belichick had to make NFL history with an undefeated regular season to earn forgiveness from the gods of football.

Yup, it's been a good year for sports.

Biggest almost: 10 people almost overthrew the government of Laos

It's the kind of thing that would have been really nice, had it actually worked out. Consider: Your own, tax free vacation nation. Granted, it's a landlocked, southeast Asian country known more for its textile sweatshops than tourist acumen, but the ownership factor has to be counted as a point in favor of the enterprise.

As it is, the partakers of the would-be coup have a different vacation spot. And this one looks to be a retirement home: the federal pen. But hey, I hear you can get some great pick-up football with Mike Vick. And with old Orenthal potentially joining the 2008 prison draft, they have something to look forward too. Maybe with Barry Bonds on board, ESPN can start a new channel ESPN CONVICTS. The only downside: the normal ESPN would lose all its programming.

Biggest heat attack other than Alex Trebek: Dow Jones Industrial Average

Early in the year, the Dow was up like a New England point spread. Then the floor fell out of the market experts predicted your money would go the way of Heather Graham and Sharon Stone. In the end, nothing much has changed, Charles Schwab's hypertension notwithstanding.

With such an expansive review, it's hard to imagine I missed anything important. If you think of something, feel free and post a comment or beam us an email directing us to our omission. Thank you, as always, for reading FCN through our first full year of blogging. If classes next year are as interesting as classes in 2007, 2008 will be a great year for FCN. If they're half as interesting, we'll probably win a Pulitzer.

Three on One with Barack Obama

In our continuing quest to understand the American political process and find a candidate that is both appealing and acceptable to our discerning political palate, the FCN team placed a phone call to Barack Hussein Obama's presidential campaign office and asked for a teleconference with the Illinois Senator. The campaign refused to offer us an audience unless our interview team included at least one minority. We lied about our ethnic heritage (N pretended to be a Jamaican bobsledder) and got through to Mr. Hussein Obama with relative ease.

//Begin Transcript

Barack Hussein Obama: This is Barack Hussein Obama speaking.

FCN: Mr. Hussein Obama, thank you sincerely for agreeing to this interview. We write for a humor and satire blog and are looking at various major presidential candidates in the hope of finding a suitable prospect for endorsement. If you don't mind, we have a few questions about your political stance...

BHO: That's a great idea, kids. You know, most youth in this great land fail to grasp the opportunities that are set before them; economic or political. I took those opportunities when I was young. I started out as the the ghetto black loser and through education, refinement and law school have shed that hip past and become a white person in a black man's body. I'm really glad to hear how you have done that. The Jamaican writer you have, for instance, he sounds pretty white. I like that.

FCN: And you've made that transformation very well, Mr. Obama. That transitions very well into our next question about minority rights. You are a strong advocate of equality as a Senator, how do you see that advocacy continuing as President?

BHO: I really don't. My big thing in the Oval Office is health care. Ask me about health care.

FCN: OK. What about health care?

BHO: I have a plan that would give low cost, affordable, inexpensive and cheap health care to every American and most foreigners, too. It really wouldn't matter what you want sucked out or puffed up or cleaned; my plan finds the doctor to fix it. I think it is wrong to have to pay for health services. Morally wrong. We shouldn't let people starve, nor should we let them get sick. That's why my plan includes the distribution of blankets to the homeless along with sanitary drug paraphernalia. That's a moral determination, not an economic one.

FCN: It all sounds so perfect; so grand.

BHO: It is. Under my presidency, all the oppressed, downtrodden, entitled and underprivileged would suffer no more. I like the ring of that. Go ahead and include that in your article, if you would please. Hang on a second, gentlemen. [BACKGROUND] Janice? Add that line to my Iowa stump, would you?

FCN: Who is your biggest role model?

BHO: Michael Jackson. White people in general.

FCN: Oh, MJ. Excellent. He really moves well for a 40 something.

BHO: Indeed he does. Ask me about my education policy..

FCN: OK, what about your education policy?

BHO: [Chuckles] So glad you asked. [Chuckles again, louder this time] Schooling is just way too expensive. Education is the solution to all the world's problems. AIDS, war, the Republican Party. You name the ill, education is the solution. There are brothers - wait. Do white people use the term brothers? [BACKGROUND] Janice? [A MOMENT LATER] A large portion of this great land's minority community never gets a proper education. From the time they can crawl until the moment they die, people should be learning. A lot of that learning should happen in government funded schools. And it should all be free. I'll do that under my Presidency. I guarantee it, as sure as the White Sox won the series last year.

FCN: Which is, we assume, pretty well assured.

BHO: Indeed it is. Well, gentleman, I have Howard Dean waiting just outside. He wants to coordinate my rhetoric with some local politicians. Thanks for taking the interview. I trust I can rely on your vote come the primary?

FCN: We'll let you know on that, Senator. Thanks to you, too. Say hi to the former Governor for us.

//End Transcript

After we replaced the phone in its cradle, the three of us sat around the table for several solid minutes and said nothing. Barack Obama's interview was not only profound, it was a clear clincher. No other candidate had offered such a clear mandate for making life easier for derelicts like us. No other candidate had promised free education and health care without threatening to take away our cars. No other candidate had presented such a clear mandate and vision for our nation. We like this Obama fellow...