My Dreams Can Now Be Realized!

Dark times were swirling around my house – my dog died, my abs were sore and there weren't any good movies in theaters – until I got an email from some very kind people offering to have the “Government fund my dreams.” I won't give you all the address, because I want this opportunity exclusively for myself, but let it suffice to say that I think they are serious and I am ready to be doted upon.

In case you forgot or someone didn't tell you, I dream big. My dreams are about fifteen story mansions, trophy wives and all the chicken soup my little tummy can hold. They are filled with grandeur, romance and money, lots and lots of money. Fast cars and fast Internet connections.

You guys figure into my dreams as well, at least I think you do. The faithful few are mostly in the dreams I forget the next day. The dreams I remember of the selfish ones of personal success and fame.

That's why I am giddy over the concept of the Government funding my dreams. You see, the Government is big and famous and has a fast Internet connection. It builds big mansions and controls so many billions of dollars that even Bill Gates has to get out his calculator to understand the numbers.

The Government is everywhere. There is some at the local, state, federal and – and you can't go around telling people this because it's a secret – international level. The Government is big, taking a goodly portion of everyone's money for the benefit of people who dream, like me. It is worthy, supporting causes of magnitude and significance. It is benevolent, helping derelicts who can't make it on their own. And it is gentle. Yes, the Government is gentle. So soft and loving that a toddler would burp in its presence, so caring and considerate that a grandma would invest her life savings in its brawny arms and so kind that true hearts cry when it's hurt.

Yeah, I need to lay off the Lifetime channel.

With the government in the picture, I can afford to dream even bigger. Little things become big things when you add a few million dollars. I can't wait to see what the Government has in store for me.

My ship has come in, my ride has arrived, my chariot is on fire. Or something like that.

You all can dream, but sans Government assistance, your dreams will be Lysol Dreams: sterile, noxious and not worth living. If this is your future and you want something more, I encourage you to contact your local Government representatives and find out what Uncle Sam can do for you. A fifteen minute call could save your dreams...