25 Random Things: Miley Cyrus Edition

We at FCN have been able to access Miley Cyrus's Facebook profile through sources that will remain confidential. We found one of her recent notes to be particularly interesting, and will now re-distribute it here without permission. Enjoy, but don't tell the cybercops.


My 25 totally random things! =)

1. Pink isn't just a color, it's an attitude!


2. The number of years I dated Nick Jonas. LOSER.

3. I'm obsessed with brushing my teeth... it bugs Emily Osment, but whatev.

4. I tape Hannah Montana so I can study myself. You gotta love TiVo.

5. I'm a vegetarian, but I so totally love shrimp!

6. I have pet chickens. Isn't that hot?

7. I'm hypoglycemic. OHMYGOSH, I finally spelled it right!

8. I'm a fan of cosmetic dentistry.



9. I'm starting to get worn out. See here for an explanation of my demise.

10. Miley was totally not my real name. It was a nickname. My real name was Destiny. But I changed my name, so I'm all legal and everything now.

11. I'm not just a celebrity. I'm a corporation.

12. I totally heart Chinese people even though my slanty eyed pose thingy got slammed by the press. Bummer. Chinese people are totally boss. AND Chinese food rocks.



13. To prove that the above random fact is totally true, I decided to show that I am tolerant of ALL my fans! See here:



14. I've never taken formal singing lessons! Bet you couldn't tell, huh?

15. Dolly Parton is my godmother. That. Is. So. Messed. Up.

16. I could shop all day. Shocker!

17. I don't pose nude. Only partially nude. There's a big difference.

18. I date underwear models. But my daddy-poo approves.

19. Oh my goodness, there's a piece of glitter on the carpet!

20. And there's a piece of glitter on my shirt!

21. I'm working so hard to be a "good girl". My Disney career depends on it!

22. I'm a borderline schizophrenic. My alter ego has long blond hair and wears tight brightly colored pants.

23. I heart txting.

24. I look so fat in 3D. Time to go anorexic again.

25. I wear a promise ring. As soon as I can remember what the promise is, I can take it off. But I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by breaking a promise when I don't remember what it was!

Notice: The Sky has not Fallen on our Heads.

The end of the day usually finds us FCN contributors huddled over our computers playing pac-man or chatting about our miserably failed love lives with people we've never met (presumably mass-murdering 50-year-old circus freaks). Last night was not one of those nights. The fact is, last night was special. The world nearly ended.

We know. We should have posted a warning to tell you to call your loved ones and say that one thing you had been putting off saying. But after extensive deliberation, we decided to keep quiet about doomsday and post an apology the day after. That seemed easiest.

Also, we didn't want to get too close to our computers. A friend of ours directed us to the following research:



We stared at the screen in stunned silence for a full thirty seconds after watching. Then we sprang into our Cloverfield Survival Plan (which doubles as an Asteroid Survival Plan in a pinch). The bulleted procedure is listed below. We followed it to the letter.

1) Get to the highest part of the building and look around.
2) Make a few wise cracks.
3) See something. If it is Cloverfield, it will be on the horizon obscured by buildings. If it is an Asteroid or a Nuke it will be in the sky. If it is Relatives, it will be on the road.
4) Person who was defamed most by the wise cracks says: "Did I tell you or did I tell you?"
5) Panic and run around for awhile.
6) Scramble, tripping, to the lowest part of the building.
7) Scream incoherently.
8) Person who was defamed least from the wise cracks says: "We can take this thing."
9) Any remaining person says: "Are you crazy?"
10) Run outside, preferably using the back door, preferably barefoot with shorts and a tacky t-shirt.
11) Stand in a circle facing out.
12) Wait until someone begins running in a random direction, at which point all others must shout: "Are you crazy? Come back!"
13) When the someone does not obey, the others must follow reluctantly, muttering grim prognostications.
14) Proceed in this direction until any noticeable event occurs. Examples include: a) Being stepped on by Cloverfield, b) being struck by an asteroid c) bumping into a Relatives, or d) getting lost.
15a) If the world has ended: post an apology on FCN.
15b) If the world has not yet ended: sprint in a different direction.
16) Find a place of ostensible cover. Gather in a loose group and pant frantically.
17) Propose a few hair-brained theories for the origin of the threat.
18) Dig a hole.
19) Get inside.
20) Fill it in.
21) Have everyone call their moms and let them know where they are and to call them if and when the crisis is over (how's that for a sentence?).
22) Wait.
23) Improvise from then on.

It worked perfectly. We ran upstairs and peered out the window. For a few moments, we said nothing. We made jokes at the expense of the anonymous contributor who found the video. Then we saw a red flashing light moving slowly toward us. Within moments, we were scrambling out of someone else's backyard pool yelling: "It's over! It's over!" The neighbors joined us because they had no common sense and/or like to play along and/or don't read FCN. All of us were barefoot (we scrupulously removed our socks on exiting the house in accordance with the plan).

Led by a neighbor, we ran out into the street and stood in a loose circle looking. The neighbor saw the light and pointed. We all squinted. Then the neighbor started running down the road. "Are you crazy?" One of us cried. "Come back!" But he was long gone.

"Must be the radiation from the thingie," I said. It passed as a wise crack. We followed the neighbor.

Then we heard a honking horn and a bright light lit up in front of us. We didn't stop to think. We ran, screaming incoherently. I dimly remember crashing through a window and over a couch on which people were sitting watching a movie and eating popcorn. Eventually we reached a city park and stopped, gasping for breath.

"There's only one thing left to do," I said. My fellow contributors, the neighbors, and the two dozen people who had joined us in our flight nodded in unanimous consent. We tore apart the monkey bars and used them to tear apart nearby cars, the pieces of which we used as shovels. We dug a nice big hole, then climbed in and pulled the dirt over us, using the monkey bars as breathing tubes. Then we called our moms, even though the reception was terrible. A few hours later, our moms talked us into coming back out and we went home, covered from head to toe with dirt and sweat.

Well, the world didn't end, so it was worth it. The plan worked.

You're welcome.

Why its OK to give liberals the pass

Warning: The content of this post is unintentionally mature. If you are mature, please read on. If you are unsure of your maturity, but are deathly curious, there isn't anything this paragraph can say to stop you, so read on. If you are immature, find a mature friend or parent to read the post first and, after the reader has sullied his mind or corrupted her heart with the vile contents, you may weigh the value of reading on.

And don't feel lonely, you can always check out today's Life Tip!

Those of you who have taken a break from your busy class schedule to peek at the news may have noticed a slightly alarming, politically delicious and highly concupiscent episode involving a duly elected United States Senator, an airport and a men's restroom.

If you aren't up to speed, let's just say that the honorable Senator was caught doing some perverted and illegal things in the bathroom and that the evidence against him was so strong that he plead guilty to the resulting misdemeanor charge without much of a fight. The honorable Senator than tried to remove his guilty plea and his request was denied. The honorable Senator is now trying to remove his guilty plea on appeal. The newspapers are loving it, bloggers are making hay of the story and every passing day has the image and reputation of Larry Craig dragged further through the mud.

The story of Larry Craig is one that seems more at place in a cheap paperback novel then on the front pages of such widely read publications as the New York Times. Or did I just repeat myself?

Regardless, the point is that anytime you have an elected politician soliciting anything other than votes in a public restroom, you also have a great deal of eyebrow raising.

Or do you?

I certainly raise my eyebrows when I hear these kinds of stories. I also lean forward, purse my lips and squint my eyes, all nonverbal expressions of titillation and interest. But if you are like most Americans, you only really care about sex scandals when they impugn a conservative leader.

No, it's true.

Consider Hugh Grant, an outspoken critic of former PM Tony Blair, who was caught misbehaving lewdly a few years ago. Grant took care of the "problem" by apologizing on Leno and then starring in a bunch of big budget movies. In fact, unless you have a photographic memory for news - one that can recall stories like this from thirteen years ago - you forgot all about GrantGate.

Or, more politically, openly homosexual congressman Barney Frank was at the center of a prostitution ring while serving as a Democrat representative from Massachusetts. When the scandal broke and the skeleton came waltzing out of Frank's closet, the politician did what politicians do best and easily sidestepped the problem. Only he did so by challenging his opponents to explain why his actions were wrong and defiantly defended his ties with prostitution. Frank continues to serve today.

Or consider Ang Lee and Tom Brady, a movie director and a sports star who's relationship dalliances are overshadowed by their liberal politics.

At the same time, conservative leaders like Clarence Thomas, Newt Gingrich, Mark Foley and Ted Haggard have had their voices eliminated or substantially tarnished by the allegations of sexual misconduct that have been levied against them.

Some would look at this disparity and become concerned with the apparent double standard in contemporary politics, but FCN sees this another way.

Standing for liberal ideologies is a great way to expunge crimes of indiscretion. Said differently, a host of moral sins are forgiven by support for the environment or advocating redistributing wealth to the poor. If you mess up, no matter how egregious the mistake, find a liberal cause to espouse and all will be made right.

This approach to justification gives people an out. Instead of having to suffer through the conviction of untreated iniquity, the sinner can search out some liberal pet project to support. And remember to stay consistent, because a relapse into conservativism invites criticism for your wayward behavior.

If you ever get caught in an insidious sin, deride the military or blame a conservative; you'll get out of the jam every time. Guaranteed.

So Larry Craig, burn in torment for your actions, you pervert. But rock on Barney Frank.