Envoy Mission, and other stories ...

For the last 2 years, FCN has published the nerdishly popular Envoy Forest series (Envoy Forest and Return to Envoy Forest), showing the members of a Californian NCFCA club as they truly are. As a side note, if you read the letters NCFCA backwards, they stand for Avid Collectors of Funny Class Notes. Anyway, the writer of the Envoy Forest series has retired from the league and is now engaged in more respectable pursuits, like saving the world. So, there will be no Envoy Forest this year, or any other year. I know, I know. It's tragic. But there is good news.

Envoy Forest has spawned a significant crop of spin-offs, and we're going to direct you to two of them, if you really must get your 2007 fix. First, check out the blog The Adventures of Oyi and Clari, which, of course, can be found here:

http://oyiandclari.blogspot.com/

Four side notes: First, the authors didn't give us permission to label their blog an Envoy Forest spinoff, but we're sure they don't mind. If they do, they won't know which of us wrote this post, so we'll still be safe. Second, this blog is pretty confusing even to its authors, so don't feel bad if you end a post standing on your head or something. Third: no, we do NOT write Oyi and Clari. Fourth: yes, Dan the Viking is the same Dan.

For something shorter and more direct, check out this story recently emailed to us by freelancer Randy Hawthorn, for which we take neither credit nor responsibility:

ENVOY MEETING, by Randy Hawthorn

--
DISCLAIMER: All characters in this story are purly fictional. Any
similarities between characters in this story and real life
individuals is purly coincidental. That said we do not apologize.
--

One day about a year ago, I was walking along the road with absolutely
nothing worthwhile to do when I was greeted by a young man. He was
thin and pasty white. In any other circumstance I would be afraid that
I was about to be mugged based on the disheveled appearance of the
individual but his absolute lack of muscle assuaged my concerns
appropriately. He greeted me in smooth English.
"Pardon me, are you here for the Envoy meeting." I looked at him
quizzically. Having nothing better to do with my time and desperately
wanting to get this man off my hands, I gave him some change and
walked into the building me motioned to with his left hand as he bowed
his head and profusely thanked me. "Thank you so much! My names
Trevor. Trevor Ward. They don't pay much for being a peace lobbyist.
Oh yes thank you!" My mind quickly moved to other things as I entered
the room ahead of me.
Immediately to my right there were two boys furiously writing on a
chalkboard. Their handwriting was bad enough for them to be doctors.
They wrote with such enthusiasm that I felt compelled to speak with
them.
"Hi." I said, extending my hand. "I'm Hank."
"Greetings!" Said the shorter of the two, pushing some over sized
glasses up on his nose. "I'm Jesse." He turned to his companion.
"Maybe if we include more phosphorus the mixture would be less
volatile."
Jesse's companion nodded his head importantly. "I'm Zack." He said
thrusting his hand in my direction. I shook it cautiously.
"I'm Hank." Zack had already forgotten about me and was moving on to
mixing two nasty looking fluids together. I left the Einsteins and
moved on. A blond man approached with a woman on his arm. The woman
smiled pleasantly at me. The man grimaced.
"Hi. I'm Hank." I said, trying not to stare at the man's hair which
looked like a failed attempt at keeping girls away.
"I'm Sam. And this is my girl, Adrienne."
"Hi." I said again feeling a little uncomfortable. Neither of the two
noticed me. "Well...I'll be see--" I stopped short. Something I had
initially taken to be a bush moved from behind Adrianne. It was large,
furry, and smelly. I tapped Adrienne on the arm. "What is THAT?" I
asked.
"Oh." Said Adrienne, her face falling. "That would be Travis."
"What?" Said Sam, turning and firing a shotgun from the hip. The
blast caught Travis full in the chest. Thankfully, the hair took most
of the impact. A coke can flew out of Travis' hand and clattered in
the distance somewhere. Travis ran for cover. I walked over to see if
he was OK, but by the time I arrived all I could get out of him were
sobs and cries of 'Adrienne'.
Not a little disconcerted I walked on. I came to a small, very square
box. From inside I heard laughing. I knocked on the boxes side and a
little Irish man poked his head out.
"Whadya want?" He said, his voice slurred from intense drinking.
"Um...I didn't mean to disturb you, I ju--" He cut me off with a
string of Irish curse words and an invitation to join him for a drink.
I accepted and climbed into the box. There was a young lady sitting in
the corner of the square sipping tea and reading a "Mere Christianity"
Next to her, there was a stack of books which reached the roof of the
box with ever single thing CS Lewis ever wrote. She was rapidly
discussing random things she discovered with the drunk Irish fellow. I
had a beer, nodded to the lady who had hardly noticed me in the time I
was there and left the square box. Let me say it was the most freeing
feeling to leave that box.
Almost as soon as I left I was greeted by a charming young lady.
"Hi. I'm Jessica." She said.
"I'm Hank." I said. Relieved to find someone normal finally in this
place. Jessica had a haggard look on her face, like someone who has
seen to much pain, too much fighting, and is ready to put up her sword
and take a long rest. I asked "What are you doing here?"
Jessica looked a little confused. Her answer was stifled by a call
from behind her. It sounded like a mix of a wolf snarling and a boy
crying.
"Hey Jessica, you owe me $20!"
Jessica cringed. "Get down," she said "It's the Nazi!"
I ducked behind a convenient crate full of paper. I peered over to
see something that resembled something out of my nightmares more than
a human. It was crouched in a corner sniffing a smelly, yellow
substance. It hard dark, cold eyes which darted about the room.
"Nazi?" I asked.
"Yes...steer clear of him if you can" Jessica panted.
His face looked like it had been through every war since the war of
1812. The nose (if you can call it that) was bigger than the rest of
his body and covered in pot marks and breaks. It resembled a staircase
more than anything else. With every snort of the yellow substance he
cried out half in pleasure half in pain.
"Who is he? How did he get like that?"
"His name is Logan. I don't know how that happened to him. The best
we can tell, it comes from overdoses of folic acid and vitamin C."
"You can overdose on those?" Jessica's answer was cut short as Logan
snarled and pointed behind the box. He began to run towards us
snorting and howling the whole way, opening another packet of
Emergen-C.
"RUN!" Jessica yelled. I never saw her again. I was running away from
the scene as fast as my legs could carry me when a young, burly
looking, helpful man stopped me.
"Where are you going in such a hurry?"
"Run...Jessica....Logan..." I panted. He smiled knowingly.
"I have a place you can hide." He said opening a trapdoor and
ushering me in. Inside there was another man who had a horrific
looking growth on his cheeks.
"Haha!" He laughed. "You two look more scared that Paris Hilton in
jail!" I wasn't amused.
"Are you OK?" I asked motioning towards the growth on his face.
"Better than Matt Damon in an armory!" He said cracking up again.
"Why? You like my sideburns?" I shrugged not wanting to start a fight.
"I'm Hank."
"I'm Cody."
"I'm Daniel," Said the helpful man who had aided me in my flight from Logan.
"Thanks for helping me, Daniel."
"He is always helping. A veritable Angelina Jolie he is!" Cody added
grinning. There was a knock at the door and Daniel got it.
"Hi there. I am Allison and I was wondering if I could convince you
to vote for Ron Paul." Daniel smiled and welcomed her in. I left
before the libertarian could get her hooks into me. As I left I passed
by a crying baby surrounded by diaper bags. Needless to say, I never
went back to that place.