Ninth Reader!

Uncle Wally blessed my morning with some excellent news. He's been keeping close tabs on CN's readership information since we rebuked him for falling behind on it late last May and his vigilance has paid off. Today we celebrate our 9^th unique visitor since we moved to this domain nine months ago. The growth rate of one unique visitor per month is the fastest of any of my previous writing endeavors and we are elated with the numbers. Nine visitors also means that there are three readers for every writer on CN (or will be when Desperate Student returns from his Orangatan Dung (OD) expedition).

The ninth unique reader is a testament to CN's resilience. Despite a cyber-napping onslaught from Really Funny Class Notes and a week of re-runs, the CN family is still adding new members.

As soon as he got the signal, Uncle Wally initiated the tracing procedures that have proven successful at pinpointing the location of new readers in the past. We like to know what kind of people are reading our blog because it makes us feel better about ourselves and because it's like spying on your personal life through the Internet. In that regard, it makes us feel like Google.

In order to help us fulfill these carnal desires, Uncle Wally hooks a 9 volt Duracell battery to a light bulb that is designed to handle a smaller voltage. He closes the circuit by connecting the light bulb to a two way radio and then turns the radio on quickly. By short circuiting the whole connection, Wally is able to blow the bulb and create a small energy wave which actually enters the Internet like a radar ping. The closer he is to a DSL connection, the fewer light bulbs Wally has to waste to get this to actually work. Any new readers who happen to be reading CN reflect this ping and send back to Wally. Our Uncle will then use a cybermetric scale and a stopwatch to determine with reasonable accuracy where the reader is from and pass the data on to us.

As a side note, if the energy wave were any more powerful it would act like an E bomb, tearing blogs off the web like so many papers off a bulletin board. We are saving up to purchase a light bulb big enough to blast away Daily Kos, but we'll keep you informed of our progress.

We were beginning to think the system was broken because our readership wasn't growing and some in our midst were concerned that maybe the whole logic of reverse pinging the World Wide Web is a load of TooTee HuWee Bollucks. This new information is a reaffirmation of the utility of the system and a Uncle Wally deserves a huge pat on the back for his groundbreaking work.

As far as our Ninth Reader is concerned, we know virtually nothing about her. We don't even know for a fact that she is a “her,” but we think it's safe to assume given that most of our readers to date have been male and we're about due for a female reader. Uncle Wally's Ingenious Pinging Reverse (or IPR, as he likes to refer to it) was foiled by an ingenious system he believes could only have been developed by the United States Government.

Wally's ping was returned in a mangled state. It looked as if someone had laid down on top of it in a bath tub full of water and used the hairdryer. Any information about gender, location or favorite colors were completely and utterly eviscerated by a catastrophic event. We can only hope the reader survived.

Uncle Wally, heart of gold that he has, prepared a graphic that shows what we know about the new reader. We reproduced it below:

Here at CN, we are elated with the regular growth this blog has experienced. Nine readers is probably fewer readers than most of the 50 million plus blogs out there, but we are growing and we are satisfied with where we are.

To our Ninth Reader we say, welcome to Funny Class Notes! Please have a look around and get to know the site. If you are the new reader and want to let us in on who you are, what your IP address is and what kind of browser you run so we can customize the page to you, please fire us an email and let us know. Or you can leave a comment at the bottom of this post.

To those who have been part of the faithful few for longer, thank you for being loyal to this site and laughing at our jokes and being such an awesome gang of readers. There may not be many of you, but you guys are the best readers any blog could ever ask for.

Or, because you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions is it "you guys are the best readers for whom any blog could ever ask"? Gotta love the flow of that sentence.

I know, AWWWW and happy sighs, but seriously, pat yourself on the back. You too, Uncle Wally.