FCN Classic: Mike Winther Should Shave

This post was written as a plea to Mike Winther requesting that he remove his attractive but altogether inappropriate facial hair. It is republished here as a classic, only so that our plea might once again be noticed. I had the honor of seeing Mr. Winther a week ago, and his face was just as hidden. It was great to see him, but I couldn't help but be saddened by his facial hair stubbornness.

Mr. Winther: I'll go ahead and make you a deal. If you shave your beard and send me a picture of the finished product, I will remove my sideburns and send you a picture to show the results. That's how serious I am about this; C'mon Mr. Winther!

We all love Mr. Winther. He has lived competitive academic debate for the vast majority of his life and artfully leads students through the process of becoming better speakers. His debate prowess, intellectual integrity and good humor make him one of the most adored debate coaches in California, perhaps even the nation. Those who know him are not likely to forget his contribution; those who don’t are missing out. Despite his individualism as a coach, Mr. Winther has made one concession to popularity that is visible to even the most casual observer: Mr. Winther has a full beard. While there is nothing inherently wrong with wearing a beard -- Santa Claus wears a beard and nobody complains – there is something terribly clichéd about a debate coach hiding behind whiskers.

After some deliberation, the folks here at FCN sat down to state our objections to Mr. Winther’s beard in an organized manner. We don’t in any way intend to impugn this lovable debate guru, just promote a visit to the barber, a Fusion purchase or whatever method he likes to remove his facial hair. We also aren’t promoting a completely clean shaven visage. If Mr. Winther likes a mustache and goatee combination or wants to keep his sideburns, we’ll be happy.

Without further ado, here are 10 Reasons Mr. Winther should shave:

1) Abraham Lincoln wore a beard

The bastion of inconsistency, patriarch of situational ethics and wet noodle executive chose not to shave and sported some rather unruly clumps of facial hair. Lincoln’s beard wasn’t just on his face, it is on the penny; it's his trademark. His striking features were made even more impressive by the dark growth he refused to hold back. While Mr. Winther’s beard is nicely trimmed, the very fact that he wears a beard creates a mental link between a libertarian hero and pragmatist politics. Cut the link: cut the beard.

2) People you love want to see your face

Since Mr. Winther grew his beard he has started a debate club, had a child and changed careers. While we don’t know the exact period of time (he has covered his presumably beautiful face as long as any of us have known him), we can deduce from personal interviews with Mr. Winther and a family member that the period of facial disguise has been for longer than 10 years. That’s a long time to keep one’s face covered. No one wears a hat or a pair of socks for that long. Few keep the same hairstyle for ten straight years, much less a facial hair arrangement.

This isn’t a matter of style, but responsibility to loved ones. A child should be able to know his or her father’s face, friends should not have to read between the hairs when gaging someone’s sincerity and those Mr. Winther judges in debate rounds would really like a peak at his real face. Mr. Winther should cede to the understandable wishes of those around him and pick up a razor. Cut the frowns: cut the beard.

Please excuse the uncharacteristic sentimentality of the above paragraph; we wrote it while listening to Kelly Clarkson’s Because of You. Strange things happen when you listen to that song.

3) Mrs. Winther wants you to shave

We don’t know this for a fact. Mrs. Winther never said anything to us, but she didn’t have to. We here at FCN take non-verbal communication very seriously and it doesn’t take a degree to read the wistful remorse on Mrs. Winther’s face every time she glances at her husband’s visage. She would never mention it to anyone, but the feelings are there, burning deep inside her. As with all non-verbal messages, we can’t be absolutely positive as to meaning of these looks. But we’re pretty confident here. 90 percent.

4) To whom much is given, much is required

Let’s face it; God gave Mr. Winther a really nice face. From the limited information we were able to gather, he was once very handsome. That’s not to say that Mr. Winther is ugly now, just that he has made lifestyle decisions that limit other’s ability to enjoy his good looks. We feel that he has been given a responsibility to show off his face and that he is abandoning his duty when he covers his features. If someone were gifted in horticulture, he should try to use his skills to God’s glory. If someone has a penchant for mathematics, the rest of us can be benefited from the utilization of that ability. Mr. Winther has been gifted with excellent physical attributes to accompany his intellectual abilities. He doesn’t keep his mind covered; why shouldn’t he display his face?

5) You will look younger and healthier

The last time Mr. Winther had a clean shaven face, he probably looked at least ten years younger. If he wants to enjoy that feeling again, the razor is waiting. As far as looking healthier goes, it is an empirically verifiable fact that clean shaven men look more vigorous. Unless Mr. Winther has some kind of terrible skin disease or a persistent wart that needs camouflaging (an independently disproved question) he will look better without the extra hair. Look younger, look healthier: snip, snip.

6) The comfort of five blades, the precision of one

Razor technology has advanced to such an extent that shaving is no longer a hazardous experience. The new Gillette Fusion, for instance, allows a reasonably cautious man to get a really close shave without fear of nicks and abrasions. And, as the ad shows, it makes people like you more too. The fact is that the morning shave is no longer something to be feared. Experts and novices alike are perfectly able to navigate the razor over their face and remove even the thickest growths. If technology is holding Mr. Winther back, we advise a trip to the Modesto drug supplier to look at today’s shaving alternatives. And hey, if the whole razor scene is too scary, chemical hair removers and laser surgery are viable substitutes.

7) That’s gotta itch!

Some members of the FCN staff have tried to or are currently supporting facial hair. While none of us approach the complete coverage Mr. Winther has achieved, our experience is enough to teach us that goatees, sideburns and mustaches can itch! Due to our relative youth, many of our hair growth attempts have yielded pitiful fuzz instead of the manly bristles like Mr. Winther’s. But even our fuzz itches. We can only imagine the torment Mr. Winther must suffer every day as he must live through the ticklish spines on his face. The pain isn’t necessary!

8) You need to show Kyle how to shave

Mr. Winther’s youngest is becoming a man. Kyle is, indeed, attained the age of twelve and has consummated his years by debated at his first tournament. Facial hair will inevitably follow. It would seem very hypocritical of Mr. Winther to ask his son to shave while not doing so himself. Sure, Mr. Winther could set up a dummy or bring in a volunteer, but a shaving lesson is best accomplished with a mirror, a razor and two faces. Don’t leave your son in the five o'clock shadow: shave!

9) The biggest libertarian thinkers are all clean or mostly shaven

What do David Boaz, Edward H Crane, James A. Dorn, Chris Edwards, Thomas Firey and Daniel T. Griswold have in common? These libertarian thinkers are all clean shaven. Join the crowd: shave the beard.

10) Because you like multiple points

We threw this one in to satisfy Mr. Winther’s carnal desire to see a wealth of arguments for a position.