With the Olympics only recently over, a spirit of global diversity and interest is still high. Feeling cultural, we visited the CIA world fact book in search of a country to really get excited about - one that was often overlooked. We settled on the tiny island nation of the Republic of Nauru.
Though indisputably sovereign, the Republic of Nauru is one the smallest countries in the world. It has only 8.1 square miles of dry land to its name, and a total GDP of just under $37 million. But don't let us bore you with facts. We'll let the Republic of Nauru tell you himself. He happened to be on vacation near here and we brought him in for milk, cookies, and a little candor.
FCN: Thank you so much for being here.
Republic of Nauru: It is my very high honor.
FCN: That's really an immense pineapple hat you have on. Can you tell us a little bit about it?
Republic of Nauru: It's a head dress. It's symbolizes my authority as president.
FCN: Does it make people respect you?
Republic of Nauru: Everyone on my island respects me.
FCN: So what's it like being a country?
Republic of Nauru: It's hard. There's so many duties. I hardly get any sleep. For example, recently I appointed myself as my cabinet members, and I had to get approval from parliament, which is all the way on the other side of the island. I was driving back and forth all day running papers to get the whole process done. On the bright side, there was no traffic and the votes were unanimous.
FCN: An analyst recently hailed Nauru as a beacon of democracy and transparency in the Pacific. What's your reaction?
Republic of Nauru: I'm sorry. Who said that?
FCN: You made your fortune on phosphate reserves back in the mid 1900s. What did you do when that ran out?
Republic of Nauru: Those were very dark times. Nauru is basically a phosphate rock. When I finished mining all the phosphate - which made the whole island sink a few inches - I called an emergency meeting of the NIC ...
FCN: Whoa, hang on a second. NIC?
Republic of Nauru: Nauru Island Council. It's a local government for the island, whereas parliament sits over the nation as a whole. It's like what you Americans call federalism, only with eight square miles to work with.
FCN: All right. Please continue you're story.
Republic of Nauru: So the NIC got together and I evaluated my options. Nauru isn't close to anything, doesn't have any natural resources (anymore), doesn't have manpower or genius or a good view or land space. It doesn't even have a Starbucks.
FCN: So what did you do?
Republic of Nauru: Money laundering for awhile. Tax evasion obviously. They were dark days. Unemployment was at 100%. There was a lot of hot money flowing around - corrupt banks invested; I even harbored some pirates on the western shore for a few months. There's things you can do with national sovereignty. Market wise. So finally I was approached by the Australian government. Those guys have all kinds of money.
FCN: And?
Republic of Nauru: And they offered me a job! They established the Nauru Detention Center. It's like Guantanamo, but instead of terrorists it's people who want to move to Australia. It was nice having other people on the island. Helped stave off some of the loneliness. Sadly, the center closed last year. Since then ... you ever see Castaway? It's been a little like that.
FCN: So what brings you to California?
Republic of Nauru: I was considering maybe becoming a protectorate of the Johnson family. They live right down on Harney Lane - you know them? No? Well they found me on adoptacountry.com ... apparently they have hot showers. So we're talking that over - negotiating. Diplomacy can be a tricky thing.
FCN: But if you leave, who will run Nauru?
Republic of Nauru: I'm confused.
FCN: Some have called you schizophrenic, what with all the titles you hold back on your island. What do you say to that? Have you gone batty, all those years alone?
Republic of Nauru: The best psychiatrist in Nauru has verified my mental health.
FCN: Thank you so much for your time.
Republic of Nauru: No. Thank you. [tears up] Thank you so much. You don't know what this means to me.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Republic of Nauru - An interview
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
FCN Classic: North Korea problem solved.
Yesterday, diplomats of North Korea and the civilized world approved a first draft of a plan to disarm the country's nuclear weapons program. FCN was all over that one. We called up the North Korean embassy and managed to book an appointment with KimJongIl early this morning. A transcript of the interview follows.
FCN: Thanks so much for agreeing to talk to us.
KimJongIl: Been a long day.
FCN: I'm sure it has been. Let's talk about that. What was the tone of yesterday's negotiations?
KimJongIl: Desperate. I say desperate. We drop nuke from high place onto tiny village. Glow very big, but my sunglasses bigger. Now America say: we don't want to get spanked like tiny village. We want to keep San Fransisco, because it have tasty clam chowder!
FCN: So, you have the upper hand in these negotiations?
KimJongIl: Of course. Otherwise why talk at all? Build more nukes. Build, build, build! Boom!
FCN: Why did you start building nukes in the first place?
KimJongIl: American army ready to invade from south. So we build nukes. Now America too scared to attack.
FCN: So, nukes are just one part of the defenses?
KimJongIl: Oh, yes, many defenses all over Korea. I visionary leader. I work hard to save my starving people.
FCN: We're told that conscription and taxation are so heavy, they've caused economic collapse.
KimJongIl: Yes, yes! That how visionary I am. I do anything for my country - even starvation.
FCN: That's inspiring.
KimJongIl: You think? So do my concubines.
FCN: There have been diplomatic talks for decades about your nuke program. What makes you think this one will work?
KimJongIl: They cause much starving, many poor people. But they not work. I visionary leader. My resolve not break!
FCN: I notice you keep talking about America. What about the other countries in the talks?
KimJongIl: Other countries?
FCN: Like China, South Korea ...
KimJongIl: That ridiculous. You Americans so funny! [laughs]
FCN: Assistant Secretary of State Chris Hill said: “Three yards, three yards, three yards — and then it’s always fourth and one.” Do you consider that an accurate evaluation of negotiations at this point?
K imJongIl: No! That American propaganda. America not make three yards. Korea blitz American quarterback! They lose three yards every time. Now it fourth and nineteen. They try make field goal, but it no good. Then it our ball. We build, build, build! Boom!
FCN: So, you're not optimistic about an agreement?
KimJongIl: I say I have message for San Fransisco clams.
[Awkward silence]
FCN: What is it?
KimJongIl: Boom!
FCN: Thanks so much for your time. We know you're busy.
KimJongIl: Yes, very busy. Build, build, build! I go now.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
FCN Classic: Cowomander in Chief?
This post was written at a scary time when a Billary presidency looked plausible, if not imminent. We repost with a sigh of relief.
News travels slowly through the apathetic information sludge surrounding FCN headquarters, but we nonetheless discerned very quickly that Jillary Clinton is running for president. We are very, very excited about her candidacy for hopefully obvious reasons.
Evidently, Sillary is making the rounds with various news outlets, and we managed to get a piece of her as she prepped for a TV interview with an organization we would like to consider a competitor. Between layers of heavy makeup, she gave us the following conversation (gently edited for content):
FCN: Thanks for agreeing to talk to us.
Hillary: Who are you?
FCN: We're the students from Funny Class Notes. We were told we could talk to you for a few minutes.
Hillary: Who told you that?
FCN: That guy over there.
Hillary: Jack! Come here a second.
Jack: Yes, ma'am.
Hillary: You're fired.
Jack. Yes, ma'am.
Hillary: Oh, and Jack!
Jack: Yes, ma'am?
Hillary: Don't even think about going to work for that [guy running against me].
Jack: Yes, ma'am.
Hillary: And quit saying yes ma'am.
Jack: Yes, ma'am.
FCN: So, if we may ...
Hillary: Oh, you're still here. [sigh] Well, fire away.
FCN: Great! So, you may be the first female president in history! What does that mean to you?
Hillary: Well, I'm big on female empowerment. I think I got it from Bill. The presidency is just another step toward bringing true equality between the genders. I also think it'd be really great to have a president carrying a purse. And mark my words: with me in the white house, state dinners will be worth attending! [laughs]
FCN: What will you do to fight terrorism in office?
Hillary: Hey, if I can handle Ken Starr, I can handle Osama.
[Awkward silence]
FCN: Okay. Some people have accused you of being a carpetbagger. How do you respond to that?
Hillary: You're just saying "some people", but I know who you're talking about. You've been talking to that [guy running against me], haven't you?
FCN: I assure you that ...
Hillary: No matter. Well, there's a huge stream of defeats historically with carpetbaggers losing elections. I think I have a chance to change that and sort of redeem the whole thing. So I'm really going to be hoping for the carpetbagger vote.
FCN: There's a rumor going around that ...
Hillary: You leave my husband out of this.
FCN: Yes, of course ... but we were told that you may become the first president who doesn't drink beer.
Hillary: Ridiculous.
FCN: Can we ask you a sensitive question about your husband?
Hillary: Just be careful.
FCN: What does he think about your candidacy?
Hillary: He's very excited about the possibility of being the first First Man. I believe the words he used were: "All of the perks, none of the duty."
FCN: How well are you prepared to run the armed forces?
Hillary: I like the idea of all those hotshot generals having to answer to a woman. "Ma'am, yes Ma'am!" [laughs] Someone said "Cowomander in Chief." I like that. I like that a lot.
FCN: Some people say men make better leaders than women.
Hillary: I don't know who you've been taking your tips from, boy, but that's [hogwash]. For one thing, we women don't do stupid things in front of the opposite gender to prove ourselves. If [Bush] were a woman, think about all the problems we wouldn't have. It'd be a dream come true. Plus, he'd be a democrat.
FCN: What's your biggest priority for the first hundred days of your presidency?
Hillary: Well, it's a little early to be thinking about things like that, but mainly I just want to prove that Al Gore would have made a terrible vice president.
FCN: But wasn't he once vice president?
Hillary: That's pretty much my point, yes.
FCN: So, you opposed Al Gore's candidacy?
Hillary: Of course not. Don't be silly.
FCN: Some people are speculating about a Clinton-Obama ticket.
Hillary: That's outrageous. I would never let that [person with various properties it is insensitive to mention, particularly in a derogatory fashion] try to piggyback on my success. Do you realize we're courting pretty much the same votes? That [guy] is trying to steal my candidacy! I wouldn't come near him with a ten foot pole. In fact ...
[This portion of the conversation is off the record]
FCN: So, who would you consider for VP?
Hillary: Well, it's all speculation and equal opportunity and all that nonsense right now, but I think it'd be funny to run with Tipper.
FCN: Thank you so much for your time.
Hillary: Sure thing. Oh, and trim that mustache.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Three on One with Dennis Kucinich
We never erased. Except once when C wrote down Katie Holmes and it simply had to be wiped away. When we were finished our page was home to names like George Clooney, Madonna, and Nancy Pelosi. But nowhere was there mention of Dennis Kucinich. In fact, it was only after this charming fellow was mentioned in a very positive light by an FCN reader that we started paying him any mind.
We decided to pay Mr. Kucinich a visit.
The FCN team made a special bus ride out to a small but heavily urbanized town in southern Ohio. After an adventure with mapquest and an elderly lady who took the risk of picking up three hitchhikers, we were able to locate the environmentally efficient offices of Dennis Kucinich.
The parking lot was filled with bicycles, hybrid Priuses and electrical chargers and surrounded an ergonomically shaped building that was all glass except for some black solar panels on the roof. A windmill was stationed at each corner of the complex and rotated slowly in the muggy breeze.
We walked up to a receptionist whose hair looked drier than a frog in a salt flat and asked for an interview with the Presidential candidate. When she found out we didn't have an appointment (Greyhound's timetable was too imprecise to justify calling ahead) she refused. We begged, telling her that we'd taken a diesel bus all the way from California. She looked horrified and maintained her staunch "no" answer. Only when we mentioned that our blog readership includes as many as eleven readers on a good day did she finally relent and reward our entreaties with an audience.
//Begin Transcript
FCN: This is a really cozy office. I like the wallpaper.
DENNIS KUCINICH: You like that, do you? It's made entirely from recycled human waste and unhomoginzed soybean oil. The oil's for color, but it spreads really well and it doesn't kill trees. You know you can kill a whole tree by wallpapering an entire house? Think of how many forests we destroy by wallpapering a community's worth of homes.
FCN: What kind of environmental costs were entailed in the creation of this office?
DK: You boys don't waste any time, do you? I admit that building this complex hurt the environment and if we refused to compromise with the capitalists, we would be running our campaign out of a paper hut or a cave somewhere. But here's the way I see it: If I win - when I win, right Peggy?
PEGGY: Whatever you say.
DK: Peggy is my, well, what should I call you? [Chuckles] She is my confidence counselor. But where was I? Yes, when I am elected President, I will enact policies that will more than make up for the extravagance of this office. Also, I've been ensured by a handful of this nation's most highly respected energy engineers that this building will become a net energy contributor by the year 2040. So, with lifespans shortened by global warming, this is an asset your great grandkids will enjoy.
FCN: So you lost in Iowa, lost in New Hampshire, lost in Nevada. Why are you still running?
DK: I actually didn't lose in New Hampshire. I have issued a petition in New Hampshire to have a recount due to unexplained irregularities in that election. Although my campaign has yet to take an official position, I strongly suggest that Hillary might have been fixing the outcome. I mean, that would explain her come-from-behind victory. The evidence I have is as credible as it is serious and my request for a recount has nothing to do with my having a personal vendetta against any of the candidates, I just want to see that 100% of votes get counted 100% of the time. And that ballots are cast on recycled paper.
FCN: That's great. You were recently seen protesting at a U.S. Army training school. Do you respect the sacrifices of the American soldier?
DK: That's a divisive issue phrased as a right wing trap. You boys need to update your reading material. This school has been fostering human rights abuses in Latin...
FCN: Wasn't it training soldiers for action...
DK: ...America. My protest is a rejection of war as a foreign policy tool. One of my first actions as President would be ...
PEGGY: Will be.
DK: Will be, thanks Peggy - to shut down this school and most of its kind. The only thing soldiers today really do is wreck the environment and we get enough of that with industry to have to subsidize it overseas.
FCN: How do you plan to protect our nation militarily?
DK: For Californians you sure don't understand this stuff. The only way to have peace is to make peace.
FCN: What if someone makes war? What about the existing war on terror?
DK: Uh-oh, Peggy! Pessimists! [Chuckles] You guys should really read Peggy's book Loving the Unreal World; Motivational thoughts and principles for today's stressed mind. The receptionist will set you up with a copy on your way out. Speaking of which, we need to get out of Iraq and, well, everywhere our military is stationed. Fort Bragg for instance. The closer leash we keep on our servicemen the less they can damage our environment.
FCN: Would you say that protection of the environment is your biggest political issue?
DK: Absolutely. That or global warming, industrial pollution or oil spills. I also care a lot about deforestation and animal rights. Speaking of which, I need to cut this short. I have an dinner with PETA to attend. We are celebrating the incarceration of Michael Vick. You'll excuse me?
//End Transcript.
During the long bus ride home, we talked among ourselves about how Kucinich matches up against the other candidates we've interviewed. We also read Peggy's book (the last chapter of which had detailed instructions on how to roll a joint) and decided that having a confidence counselor is a point against one's candidacy. On the issues, Kucinich came across as a real winner. His demeanor was sincere and his manner thought provoking. We found ourselves impatient for the year 2040 when Kucinich's investment would begin repaying environmental dividends.
But the interview failed to earn Kucinich our endorsement. Although we can't put our collective fingers on the exact issue that dissuaded us - the smelly wallpaper, Peggy's freaky smile or the thought that Katie Holmes might actually be a viable candidate in comparison with Kucinich - we were not confident enough in the Ohio representative to give him our unreserved endorsement.
Oh well.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Three on One with Barack Obama
In our continuing quest to understand the American political process and find a candidate that is both appealing and acceptable to our discerning political palate, the FCN team placed a phone call to Barack Hussein Obama's presidential campaign office and asked for a teleconference with the Illinois Senator. The campaign refused to offer us an audience unless our interview team included at least one minority. We lied about our ethnic heritage (N pretended to be a Jamaican bobsledder) and got through to Mr. Hussein Obama with relative ease.
//Begin Transcript
Barack Hussein Obama: This is Barack Hussein Obama speaking.
FCN: Mr. Hussein Obama, thank you sincerely for agreeing to this interview. We write for a humor and satire blog and are looking at various major presidential candidates in the hope of finding a suitable prospect for endorsement. If you don't mind, we have a few questions about your political stance...
BHO: That's a great idea, kids. You know, most youth in this great land fail to grasp the opportunities that are set before them; economic or political. I took those opportunities when I was young. I started out as the the ghetto black loser and through education, refinement and law school have shed that hip past and become a white person in a black man's body. I'm really glad to hear how you have done that. The Jamaican writer you have, for instance, he sounds pretty white. I like that.
FCN: And you've made that transformation very well, Mr. Obama. That transitions very well into our next question about minority rights. You are a strong advocate of equality as a Senator, how do you see that advocacy continuing as President?
BHO: I really don't. My big thing in the Oval Office is health care. Ask me about health care.
FCN: OK. What about health care?
BHO: I have a plan that would give low cost, affordable, inexpensive and cheap health care to every American and most foreigners, too. It really wouldn't matter what you want sucked out or puffed up or cleaned; my plan finds the doctor to fix it. I think it is wrong to have to pay for health services. Morally wrong. We shouldn't let people starve, nor should we let them get sick. That's why my plan includes the distribution of blankets to the homeless along with sanitary drug paraphernalia. That's a moral determination, not an economic one.
FCN: It all sounds so perfect; so grand.
BHO: It is. Under my presidency, all the oppressed, downtrodden, entitled and underprivileged would suffer no more. I like the ring of that. Go ahead and include that in your article, if you would please. Hang on a second, gentlemen. [BACKGROUND] Janice? Add that line to my Iowa stump, would you?
FCN: Who is your biggest role model?
BHO: Michael Jackson. White people in general.
FCN: Oh, MJ. Excellent. He really moves well for a 40 something.
BHO: Indeed he does. Ask me about my education policy..
FCN: OK, what about your education policy?
BHO: [Chuckles] So glad you asked. [Chuckles again, louder this time] Schooling is just way too expensive. Education is the solution to all the world's problems. AIDS, war, the Republican Party. You name the ill, education is the solution. There are brothers - wait. Do white people use the term brothers? [BACKGROUND] Janice? [A MOMENT LATER] A large portion of this great land's minority community never gets a proper education. From the time they can crawl until the moment they die, people should be learning. A lot of that learning should happen in government funded schools. And it should all be free. I'll do that under my Presidency. I guarantee it, as sure as the White Sox won the series last year.
FCN: Which is, we assume, pretty well assured.
BHO: Indeed it is. Well, gentleman, I have Howard Dean waiting just outside. He wants to coordinate my rhetoric with some local politicians. Thanks for taking the interview. I trust I can rely on your vote come the primary?
FCN: We'll let you know on that, Senator. Thanks to you, too. Say hi to the former Governor for us.
//End Transcript
After we replaced the phone in its cradle, the three of us sat around the table for several solid minutes and said nothing. Barack Obama's interview was not only profound, it was a clear clincher. No other candidate had offered such a clear mandate for making life easier for derelicts like us. No other candidate had promised free education and health care without threatening to take away our cars. No other candidate had presented such a clear mandate and vision for our nation. We like this Obama fellow...
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Three on one with Mike Huckabee
Unsatisfied by our previous encounters with various presidential candidates, we followed the advice of our esteemed readers and tracked down the personal email address of Mike Huckabee. Note that this is not very easy to acquire. Uncle Wally broke a sweat over the keyboard and ended up getting the keys wet. We blew a fuse and had to go to the computer lab to continue working.
A transcript of the email conversation follows:
From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee
Subject Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com
Dear Mike (We hope you don't mind if we call you Mike):
We write for the humor blog FunnyClassNotes.Com and are seeking a candidate worthy of endorsement. We have a readership of eleven and counting and are set to take over cyberspace by the the spring of 79062826 AD. Are you interested? If so, we'd like to ask you a few questions.
Write back.
The FCN Team
From Mike Huckabee
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 11:42 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com
Hey guys. I remember one of my staff members mentioning your blog awhile ago. Great to hear from you.
I'm very interested in your endorsement and can't wait to get started. Ask away!
Mike
PS. I don't mind you calling me Mike. Everyone else does. I don't even know what it's short for anymore.
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com
Mike: That's exciting! Who mentioned us? Was it complimentary?
Here's your first question: Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform, once called you a "serial tax increaser." What do you say to that?
The FCN Team
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com
It was Stacy who used to work at the campaign regional office headquarters in California. She was trying to explain her nervous breakdown and subsequent hospitalization.
Ah, yes. Norquist. I never was much of a fan of his. Well, I may be a bit of a tax booster. I mean, when I was Governor of Arkansas the state payroll increased twenty percent and our general debt increased by a billion dollars. People focus on things like that and call me irresponsible. Like those rats at the Cato Institute, who had the nerve to give me an F grade for spending and tax policy. People like to focus on the costs, but they ignore the benefits. When my service as Governor was over, the state of Arkansas had a one billion dollar surplus. That's results. That's clear, empirical proof that my constituents were being well served.
And don't worry about taxes when I'm President. I signed the PTPPPATR.
Keep the questions coming. This is fun.
Mike
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com
Mike: Sorry to hear about Stacy. I'm sure it was one of the other two contributors that made her snap, if that's any comfort.
What's the PTPPPATR? It sounds tasty.
There's always been a flurry surrounding your stance on immigration. What's your vision exactly and how will you act to bring it reality as president?
The FCN Team
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com
Um - that doesn't really comfort me at all. Earth to FCN. I have no idea who's who. It's an anonymous blog. Hello.
It stands for the Presidential Taxpayer Protection Pledge of Americans for Tax Reform. Try to keep up with the acronyms.
I'm glad you asked about immigration because it's one I have very strong feelings about. I'm all for sealing the border, but when it comes to people who are actually here, I think it's ridiculous the way we're behaving. It's like: "You broke the law, so now we're coming down on you like a ton of bricks." It's shameful, really. Instead of being malicious toward these people, we need to shake hands with them. We need to make friends with them. We need to realize that these are people just like you and me. There's nothing that makes us any more American than them, besides maybe the fact that we're Americans. To think that these people are unable to obtain government benefits like Federal Aid simply because they don't pay taxes is unthinkable. It's unchristian. And it's bad politics.
Mike
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 12, 2007 6:38 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com
Mike: Well, I can't help you much there, except to say that I'm not one of those other two guys.
So, it sounds like you support amnesty? Is that correct?
What do you think of your odds of victory?
The FCN Team
From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Date Sep 13, 2007 11:02 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com
I really don't think you get it. I don't know who I'm talking to.
I absolutely do not support amnesty. Amnesty is a big taboo word up on the hill. I'm very careful to say that I oppose amnesty to illegals. It's just that I want them to be welcomed into the country, which is hardly the same thing. Hardly.
After all, if we can't reach out to minorities (by which I mean illegals), the GOP doesn't stand a chance in the next election. Minorities want foreign work. They want the illegals who are already here to get stamped. If we give them that, the Dems won't know what hit them. They'll be all: "What hit us?" and they won't know.
Well, I placed second in the Iowa straw poll back in August right behind Romney, who we all know is going to lose steam any day now. I mean, the guy doesn't stand a chance. He's a Mormon, for crying out loud. Haven't you been reading the news about the FLDS? That's almost the same thing as the LDS. Please. Romney? Pschaw.
Mike
From FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Reply-To FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
To Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
Date Sep 13, 2007 11:41 PM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by Gmail.Com
All due respect, but I think you're the one who doesn't get it. I don't know how to make this clearer. I'm the trustable contributor. Why can't you believe me?
You mentioned Romney, but how about some of the other front runners like Giuliani and McCain?
You've worked hard to associate your image with health advocacy. Back in 2003, the New York Times said of your 110-pound weight loss: "It was as if he simply unzipped a fat suit and stepped out." You've run in marathons, you won the AARP Impact Award ... can you tell us a little about how this relates to your candidacy, if at all?
From Mike Huckabee MikeHuckabeesPersonalEmail@MikeHuckabee.Com
To FCN FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.Com
Date Sep 15, 2007 1:41 AM
Subject Re: Interview
Mailed-by MikeHuckabee.Com
This is ridiculous. I don't have to keep listening to this drivel. I don't even think you're making an effort to understand me. Forget this. Forget this interview. Forget your stupid blog. Forget Giuliani. Forget McCain. Forget minorities. I have nothing more to say to you.
Except go read my book, Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork. That'll answer most of your questions. The remaining questions can be answered by good acne medication. Now stop emailing me.
Mike
Obviously, we really couldn't walk away from this experience ready to give Mike Huckabee a glowing endorsement. We liked his positions, sort of. But that temper of his! Wow. We can't believe the way he treated us. What a politician! We get a little warm under the collar just thinking about it. What an overreactor.
So, the search goes on.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Three-on-one with Ron Paul
It's getting to be that time of year again, and that means it's time for FCN to endorse a candidate. Of course, we're not the types to give out an endorsement without a careful analysis of each person's awesomeness and a confirmatory interview. We decided we wanted a Republican candidate because we don't like Killary Clinton, so we sifted through the mob and settled on someone who really looked promising: Dr. Ron Paul. This guy, we reasoned, was inherently cool. Having a beer with this guy would be fun. We could see ourselves endorsing this guy. So we set up the confirmatory via conference call. The transcript follows.
//BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
RON: Ron Paul speaking.
FCN: Hey, this is Funny Class Notes. We negotiated with your secretary for five minutes.
RON: Take all the time you need.
FCN: Great! So, first question: what's the biggest thing that makes your candidacy different from all the other republicans in the ring?
RON: Well, if I had to pick one thing, I think I'd take my support of limited constitutional government. My opponents have clearly demonstrated a lack of willingness to fight for the constitution at best. But perhaps bigger than that is my voting record. I've never voted to raise taxes, restrict gun usage, or increase government power. I voted against the Patriot Act, I voted against the War in Iraq, I voted against internet censorship - I even voted against Martin Luther King Jr Day. That's the number one thing, really: sound fiscal policies. Our budget is a disaster right now, boys. And part of it is related to what may very well be my biggest issue: open trade. Of course, that's not the same thing as open borders. I intend to close the borders, put an end to taxpayer support of criminal aliens, and stop birthright citizenship. That's sort of the raison d'aitre of the campaign, unless you count my stand on Health Freedom. I've consistently introduced and supported bills in congress like the Access to Medical Treatment Act that give Americans choices about their medical care, and I led the opposition to bills like HR 5005, that would have force-immunized everyone against small pox. You know what they put in those immunizations?
FCN: Uh, no ...
RON: Chickens, that's who. Chickens.
FCN: I'm confused.
RON: Were you immunized?
FCN: I ... think so.
RON: Next question.
FCN: Okay, let's see ...
FCN: What do you consider to be your ...
FCN: Hey! I thought we agreed I was going to ask the questions.
FCN: Well, you weren't asking, so ...
FCN: Just let me handle this, all right?
FCN: Okay, sorry. Wow. Touchie, touchie.
RON: While you boys were arguing, I realized what's probably the number one biggest issue in my campaign.
FCN (together): Let's hear it.
RON: Withdrawal from international organizations like NATO, the UN, the WTO, the ICC, CAFTA, GATT, NAFTA, the NAU, the IMF, and the World Bank. We've got to pull out with all urgency. That's the first thing I'll get to when I'm president, just as soon as I'm done codifying protection of unborn life. If there's one thing I learned delivering more than four thousand babies as an ob-gyn, it's that life begins at conception.
FCN: So ....
RON: Actually, it looks like I'm out of time.
FCN: But we only did one question.
RON: It was a good question. It covered a lot. Okay, I really have to go. Bye!
//END TRANSCRIPT
After an interview like that, we had no choice but to go back to the drawing board. We agreed unanimously that Ron Paul is not that candidate for us. I mean, he completely dominated the conversation, made us look like idiots, and generally took away our appetites. We would not have a beer with Ron Paul. He can drink alone, thank you very much.
So we're still on the endorsement hunt. If you have any names to volunteer, we'll welcome them gladly.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
People We Actually Like
After our post a few weeks back detailing those people who are on the wrong side of our disposition, a number of comments and even a few emails have asked us to spill our guts on exactly who we do like. It's as if you guys know, deep in your heart of hearts and in places we don't talk about at parties that there is a nice streak to the FCN writers and you are desperate to dig it up. Well, from our perspective, there is nothing quite like a passel of readers jabbing us into writing something. Maybe “Faithful FCN Few” should be replaced by “Fierce FCN Fighters,” because that's what you feel like to us. It's like we're play acting: we are Paris Hilton and you all are the wardens. Or maybe we're Shamu and you are the SeaWorld trainers.
People we actually like: a non-exhaustive list.
Mommy G - It just wouldn't be right to start this list any other way. Mommy G is awesome. She gives us brownies. We like her. When she leaves, our colors fade to gray. Nu ma nu ma iei. Etc etc etc. Life is good.
Nancy Pelosi - What can we say? Nancy is something else. She's a real go-get-er. She stands up for what she believes in, which is a lot, among other things. She makes pants look good. She makes Zillary look bad. She's way photogenic. She doesn't need makeup. What's not to like about Nancy?
Tom Cruise - Nuff said.
Em - She reads our stuff. She emails us. She talks to us. She dances with us. She gives us girl advice. She takes care of our accessories. If FCN needs it, Em is there to supply. She's the reason FCN came back online four days early. As a side note, she asked us to never use her name again. Sorry about that, Em.
Josh Groban - All the ladies like him, so apparently we have to, too. We never actually heard his stuff, though, unless that was him singing at the end of Troy, not that we watched that movie.Lindsay Lohan - Okay, ladies DON'T tend to like her, but that's probably just jealousy. Let's just start things off by saying that Mean Girls is one of the greatest movies ever, not that we watched that movie, either. Lindsay keeps us guessing. We can't figure her or her freckles out. She keeps us awake at night. We seriously need to have her over for an FCN interview.
The Late Saddam Hussein - This guy was so misunderstood. It's like: "You killed a bunch of innocent people, so now you're no good and we don't want to have anything to do with you." Come on, people. Lay off poor Saddam. He had feelings too, you know. In fact, he had a lot of positive qualities, like vision, decisiveness, and lots of body doubles.Marie Antoinette, also known as Archduchess Maria Antonia of Austria, also known as Marie Antoinette, Queen of France and Navarre - She sat in a palace and ate rice krispies and Crepe Suzette and wore fancy clothes and had good grammar and had her people eat cake. Duuuuuude. What a woman. Kirsten Dunst definitely did NOT do her justice.
Sandy Berger - Here's a man who knows how to use his socks. Sandy's been completely maligned by the popular media for doing what any normal person would do - carry classified documents in his undergarments. We think there is more to the story and that everyone should lay off poor Sandy. If we had to choose between having a beer with Sandy and visiting the National Archives with him, we would do it.
Hillary Duff - She can sing. She can act. She can design clothes and perfume. She looks like the girl next door. She looks like a supermodel. She is now an adult. Questions? I didn't think so.
Kim Jong Il - Not every petty despot is willing to fly across the Pacific just to explain his plans for world domination in football terms. And this guy makes a great fashion statement. He clearly values performance and intimidation over appearance. One glance at those shades says: "I don't care about how I look." The opposite is actually true. That careless look takes some cultivation. Give the guy some credit.
Desperate Student - Because ... oh, forget it.
Bashar Assad - It's a bird! It's a plane! Actually, it's Bashar Assad. We can't quite figure out what he looks like. He definitely makes a great world leader, that's for sure. I mean, look at that face. It spells power. It also spells Doritos, but that's another story. Frankly, we can't figure this guy's face out, but we would definitely put a poster of it up our wall. Or maybe we wouldn't.
Jose de la Cocinar - Okay, so maybe there wasn't ever a guy named Jose de la Cocinar. This is the honorary name we've given to the dude who invented taquitoes. To the real Jose de la Cocinar, we say: we don't know who you are, but if you're still alive (which would probably be pretty freaky), we take off our sombreros to you.
This post is much too positive in tone for FCN. We're usually locked in bitter sarcasm, and here we are patting everyone on the back. To redeem the post, we'll end it on a negative note by pointing fingers at one more person we really don't like:
Santa Claus - Um. Last year? No presents? Okay, not cool. Bad Santa. Very bad Santa.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Straight Chatting with John McCain
I'm afraid we were unable to get a face-to-face interview with Senator McCain, as we were with Senator Clinton and Supreme Despotic Ruler KimJongIl. McCain is a busy man. He's got a presidential campaign to handle. He doesn't have the time to fly to FCN headquarters, and we don't have the money to fly to him. So we arranged a chat conversation over Google Talk. We found the Senator to be gracious, firm, charming, and direct. He found us to be senseless monkeys. Anyway, here's the transcript of the chat (between FunnyClassNotes@Gmail.com and VoteForJohnMcCainForPresidentIn2008@Gmail.com):
FCN: hey
McCain: sup
FCN: we're fcn
we wanted to talk to you about your campaign
McCain: fcn?
doesn that stand for Flippant College Nerds?
FCN: i think your confusing us w someone else
were Funny Class notes
McCain: ohoh nvm then
FCN: so can we talk about the campaign
McCain: sure why not
everyone else seems to want a pece of it
FCN: gr8!
McCain: *piece
FCN: 1st off
what do you think are ur chances of victory
McCain: lol honestly?
im pretty much a shoo in
FCN: why do u say that
McCain: bc i'm bipartisan
i dont offend anyone
FCN: but arent most of the voters partisan
McCain: dont be ridiculous
FCN: no i mean wont they prefer stronger positions
McCain: listen bub
I was a POW in Vietnam before you were even in dipers
*dipars
*diapers
FCN: : p
McCain: lol
anyway
the point is
don tlet me hear you disrespecting ur elders
and certainly don tlet me
hear you tell me to be partisan
i won't stand for it
FCN: What will you stand for?
McCain: bipartisanship
duh
what do they teach in schools these days
see that's another thing i'm gonna fix
when i get elected
ima fix the education system
make it more bipartisan
go thru the curriculums
and take out all the bigotry and politics
u know
positions
stuff like that
poisoning our kids
brains
FCN: How will you do that?
McCain: r u kidding?
il be the pres
i can do whatever i want
FCN: What about congress
McCain: to bush w congress
a bunch of stupid senators talking their heads off
bores me to death
and to top it off
ther all partisan
FCN: so how did they get elected?
McCain: havent you been paying attention
it's the education system
the voters are groing up full of ideas
thats gotta stop
FCN: many ppl refer to u as the maverick.
why is that
McCain: its bc i'm a washington outsider
i dont play the political games
thats how i managed to orchestrate the judicial nominations compromises
and the bcra
FCN: bcra?
McCain: camp fincance reform
duh
lol u seriously are weak dude
r u new/
?
FCN: actually the blog has been around since 1821.
McCain: thats nothing
i was a POW during the war of 1812
dirty mexicans
FCN: isnt that the mex-american war
1846-1848
McCain: were u there?
FCN: we blogged it
but nobody read it
bc they didn't have computers
McCain: well listen bub
if i say we were fighting the mexicans
then we sure as bush were fighting mexicans
got it
FCN: sry
McCain: np
just keep it cool k?
FCN: kk
McCain: so where we
oh yes
FCN: bcra
McCain: camp finance reform
so anyway
the point is
im a wash outsider
else i would nvr have been able to pull tht together
nvr
a maverick thats what i am
FCN: what woud you say is ur strongest issue?
McCain: well the fact that im rly old for 1 thing
: p
hahaha
FCN: ... k ... hahaha
McCain: k honestly its prolly terrism
dirty mexicans
FCN: don you mean al queda
McCain: whoa whoa
easy there whippersnaper
u don realize what the mexicans have don to this country
besides blow my leg off
FCN: ur leg looks fine!!
McCain: of course it does
what are you even talking about
?
FCN: ur leg
McCain: shut up and vote against amnesty k
and deportation obviously
FCN: ur leg looks very lifelike
McCain: we've been making progress on that
technology is graet
FCN: so tell me baout amnesty
McCain: actually i g2g
makeup time
FCN: rgr
k thanks for ur time
McCain: cya
McCain is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when McCain comes online.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
North Korea problem solved.
Yesterday, diplomats of North Korea and the civilized world approved a first draft of a plan to disarm the country's nuclear weapons program. FCN was all over that one. We called up the North Korean embassy and managed to book an appointment with KimJongIl early this morning. A transcript of the interview follows.
FCN: Thanks so much for agreeing to talk to us.
KimJongIl: Been a long day.
FCN: I'm sure it has been. Let's talk about that. What was the tone of yesterday's negotiations?
KimJongIl: Desperate. I say desperate. We drop nuke from high place onto tiny village. Glow very big, but my sunglasses bigger. Now America say: we don't want to get spanked like tiny village. We want to keep San Fransisco, because it have tasty clam chowder!
FCN: So, you have the upper hand in these negotiations?
KimJongIl: Of course. Otherwise why talk at all? Build more nukes. Build, build, build! Boom!
FCN: Why did you start building nukes in the first place?
KimJongIl: American army ready to invade from south. So we build nukes. Now America too scared to attack.
FCN: So, nukes are just one part of the defenses?
KimJongIl: Oh, yes, many defenses all over Korea. I visionary leader. I work hard to save my starving people.
FCN: We're told that conscription and taxation are so heavy, they've caused economic collapse.
KimJongIl: Yes, yes! That how visionary I am. I do anything for my country - even starvation.
FCN: That's inspiring.
KimJongIl: You think? So do my concubines.
FCN: There have been diplomatic talks for decades about your nuke program. What makes you think this one will work?
KimJongIl: They cause much starving, many poor people. But they not work. I visionary leader. My resolve not break!
FCN: I notice you keep talking about America. What about the other countries in the talks?
KimJongIl: Other countries?
FCN: Like China, South Korea ...
KimJongIl: That ridiculous. You Americans so funny! [laughs]
FCN: Assistant Secretary of State Chris Hill said: “Three yards, three yards, three yards — and then it’s always fourth and one.” Do you consider that an accurate evaluation of negotiations at this point?
K imJongIl: No! That American propaganda. America not make three yards. Korea blitz American quarterback! They lose three yards every time. Now it fourth and nineteen. They try make field goal, but it no good. Then it our ball. We build, build, build! Boom!
FCN: So, you're not optimistic about an agreement?
KimJongIl: I say I have message for San Fransisco clams.
[Awkward silence]
FCN: What is it?
KimJongIl: Boom!
FCN: Thanks so much for your time. We know you're busy.
KimJongIl: Yes, very busy. Build, build, build! I go now.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Cowomander in Chief?
News travels slowly through the apathetic information sludge surrounding FCN headquarters, but we nonetheless discerned very quickly that Jillary Clinton is running for president. We are very, very excited about her candidacy for hopefully obvious reasons.
Evidently, Sillary is making the rounds with various news outlets, and we managed to get a piece of her as she prepped for a TV interview with an organization we would like to consider a competitor. Between layers of heavy makeup, she gave us the following conversation (gently edited for content):
FCN: Thanks for agreeing to talk to us.
Hillary: Who are you?
FCN: We're the students from Funny Class Notes. We were told we could talk to you for a few minutes.
Hillary: Who told you that?
FCN: That guy over there.
Hillary: Jack! Come here a second.
Jack: Yes, ma'am.
Hillary: You're fired.
Jack. Yes, ma'am.
Hillary: Oh, and Jack!
Jack: Yes, ma'am?
Hillary: Don't even think about going to work for that [guy running against me].
Jack: Yes, ma'am.
Hillary: And quit saying yes ma'am.
Jack: Yes, ma'am.
FCN: So, if we may ...
Hillary: Oh, you're still here. [sigh] Well, fire away.
FCN: Great! So, you may be the first female president in history! What does that mean to you?
Hillary: Well, I'm big on female empowerment. I think I got it from Bill. The presidency is just another step toward bringing true equality between the genders. I also think it'd be really great to have a president carrying a purse. And mark my words: with me in the white house, state dinners will be worth attending! [laughs]
FCN: What will you do to fight terrorism in office?
Hillary: Hey, if I can handle Ken Starr, I can handle Osama.
[Awkward silence]
FCN: Okay. Some people have accused you of being a carpetbagger. How do you respond to that?
Hillary: You're just saying "some people", but I know who you're talking about. You've been talking to that [guy running against me], haven't you?
FCN: I assure you that ...
Hillary: No matter. Well, there's a huge stream of defeats historically with carpetbaggers losing elections. I think I have a chance to change that and sort of redeem the whole thing. So I'm really going to be hoping for the carpetbagger vote.
FCN: There's a rumor going around that ...
Hillary: You leave my husband out of this.
FCN: Yes, of course ... but we were told that you may become the first president who doesn't drink beer.
Hillary: Ridiculous.
FCN: Can we ask you a sensitive question about your husband?
Hillary: Just be careful.
FCN: What does he think about your candicacy?
Hillary: He's very excited about the possibility of being the first First Man. I believe the words he used were: "All of the perks, none of the duty."
FCN: How well are you prepared to run the armed forces?
Hillary: I like the idea of all those hotshot generals having to answer to a woman. "Ma'am, yes Ma'am!" [laughs] Someone said Cowomander in Chief. I like that. I like that a lot.
FCN: Some people say men make better leaders than women.
Hillary: I don't know who you've been taking your tips from, boy, but that's [hogwash]. For one thing, we women don't do stupid things in front of the opposite gender to prove ourselves. If [Bush] were a woman, think about all the problems we wouldn't have. It'd be a dream come true. Plus, he'd be a democrat.
FCN: What's your biggest priority for the first hundred days of your presidency?
Hillary: Well, it's a little early to be thinking about things like that, but mainly I just want to prove that Al Gore would have made a terrible vice president.
FCN: But wasn't he once vice president?
Hillary: That's pretty much my point, yes.
FCN: So, you opposed Al Gore's candidacy?
Hillary: Of course not. Don't be silly.
FCN: Some people are speculating about a Clinton-Obama ticket.
Hillary: That's outrageous. I would never let that [person with various properties it is insensitive to mention, particularly in a derogatory fashion] try to piggyback on my success. Do you realize we're courting pretty much the same votes? That [guy] is trying to steal my candidacy! I wouldn't come near him with a ten foot pole. In fact ...
[This portion of the conversation is off the record]
FCN: So, who would you consider for VP?
Hillary: Well, it's all speculation and equal opportunity and all that nonsense right now, but I think it'd be funny to run with Tipper.
FCN: Thank you so much for your time.
Hillary: Sure thing. Oh, and trim that mustache.
