What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

FCN BCO8 - Jessica: Grin and Bear It

The National Institute for Gender Equality and Representation has commissioned a book of re-written nursery rhymes and popular children’s books that would reverse the gender of prominent characters. This book is intended to give boys and girls a chance to appreciate each other by showing how a person of the opposite gender would have handled certain modern situations while also giving both genders a chance to shine. Proposed titles would include, Goldiknocks: the Boy Who Killed the Three Bears, Curious Georgia, and Gary Had a Little Lamb. Below are excerpts from the press release that included theoretical synopses of these re-written classics.

Goldiknocks: the Boy Who Killed the Three Bears

Goldiknocks, who earned his name with an infamous set of brass knuckles, spots a family of bears who have taken up residence in the woods near his home. One day, while the bears are taking a walk while they wait for their porridge to cool, Goldiknocks arms himself with a heavy-duty assault weapon and sneaks into the bears' house. While he waits for the impending massacre, he eats the bears' porridge and chops up their chairs for firewood. He then jumps on their beds and hides in the closet. When the bears return home, they realize that things are not the way they left them. Goldiknocks takes advantage of their confusion and guns them down with an M16. Then he invites his friends to a bear stew supper to celebrate the victory for human ownership of the woods. PETA is informed of his cruelty to animals, and he spends the rest of his childhood in juvenile detention.

Curious Georgia

Georgia is a curious little monkey who can't keep her mouth shut. She noses into peoples' affairs and gives them unwanted advice. One day, she asks a turbaned terrorist what he does for a living. In a fit of rage, he locks her in a cage and keeps her in a dark, dank, top-secret meeting tent. She manages to listen in on many important terrorist conferences, and with the help of an unnaturally keen memory, is able to remember every detail of these meetings. After months in captivity, Georgia uses her feminine wiles to charm her way into the heart of one weak-hearted terrorist. In a daring escape, her patsy terrorist releases her, and she is able to steal important terrorist records. She takes her findings to the US Army, who are able to capture and convict the terrorists. Hailed as a hero, Georgia appears on Oprah, The View, Saturday Night Live, and Maury. The President appoints Georgia the monkey to be an ambassador for PETA.

Gary Had a Little Lamb

When Gary's school partners with the USDA and the local 4-H chapter, Gary is put in charge of a lamb. His job is to care for the lamb and write a report about his experiences. Unfortunately, the lamb causes a lot of problems for Gary. The lamb sneaks into school by hiding in Gary's backpack. Gary gets sent to the principal's office where he gets expelled for breaking the school's "No animals on school property" rule. In a daring attempt to wow his teacher and be re-enrolled in school, Gary decides to use the lamb in useful ways. He shears the lamb’s wool and uses it to knit socks for homeless people. He takes the lamb to his local juvenile detention rehab ward and lets the inmates play with him. This method proves to be quite therapeutic, especially for a young lad named Goldiknocks, who is soon released on good behavior. After the school board hears of Gary's valiant community service, Gary is re-enrolled in the school and is also asked to teach a girls' knitting class.

The focus groups that were tested have produced intriguing results. One boy said, "It makes me want to go kill some bears! Bears are ferocious flesh eaters!" Later, he and several of the male readers were witnessed wrestling in the parking lot, taking turns being bears or humans. A few girl readers screamed or cried during key parts of the stories. The most emotional girl blubbered, "I've always wanted to meet Joy Behar! Curious Georgia inspired me to get out there and charm some terrorists! (scream) But Those poor bears! Why did Goldiknocks kill poor innocent bears? I love bears. They're so cute."


Pam B. said...

Now THAT was funny. Humor in its truest form!

Anonymous said...

That was beautiful Jessica. Bravo!

Anonymous said...

OMG this is the most hilarious thing I have ever heard of.