What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Zombie Monday #8: Survivor Appendix

Getting eaten by a zombie can ruin your whole day. Today, our last post on how to keep that from happening.

Before digging into the meat of the post (pun intended), let's quickly respond to a comment from last week:

"I think we've had enough of the zombie silliness ... plus this post is way too violent. Please let your posts reflect your Christian character, rather than the lack thereof. Shame." - nunya

Let us ask you this, nunya: is it moral to set a mousetrap?

What about: put an alarm system in your house?

What about: shoot a bear that's mauling your mother?

We're not sure if you're one of those [special] people who would argue that the life of a bear is equal to that of a human, or that we should never do anything to protect ourselves. But if you're like most of us (Christians very much included), you can agree that certain measures are fully appropriate. So let's look at the moral weight of killing a zombie:

Zombies are not human; they have human bodies but no soul. They are actually animated by a virus, which many scientists contend does not actually count as life at all. This virus creature is going to kill you and the rest of the people in your party if you don't kill it first.

In a perfect world, there would be no zombies, and if there were zombies, we'd find a way to get along. But the sad truth is that zombies force you into a kill-or-be-killed scenario. Violence is never preferable, but if it is ever at any moment justified, self-defense from zombies is one of those moments.

We're not writing these posts because of we're consumed by blood lust. We're writing them because we want to help keep you and your family safe.

And "zombie silliness"? Come now. Remember all the people who used phrases like "Nazi silliness", "nuclear silliness" and "Black plague silliness." We don't want these things to happen but you absolutely must be prepared for the worst if you intend to survive the future.

On to the serious stuff.


So you're on the run. You've got a safe place ahead, you're well armed and supplied, you have a route that will help you avoid zombie swarms and looters. You're good, right?


You need to plan your survivor party. A good party contains 3-8 people of varying complementary skills. If you've reached your comfortable maximum number of survivors and someone else comes along that you really want, recruit that person, then get rid of the weakest link by having them take point.

New recruits to your party should all be healthy, focused, well-supplied, and most importantly, unbitten. Never allow someone to join your party if they seem to meet any of the following criterion:

- Unable to run or see due to sickness
- Faints at the sight of blood
- Starving; just wants to join your party for the food
- Likely to challenge authority
- A coward
- Has been "nibbled" and feels "a little weird you guys."
- Probably won't work well with the rest of your group (For instance, has Nazi tattoos (This assumes your group doesn't consist of Nazis already (We don't mean to imply that Nazis shouldn't try to escape the apocalypse (Because their lives matter too, after all)))).
- Is your ex-girlfriend.

So, if they meet all the basic prerequisites, how do you decide who gets to come along? By making a case-by-case decision aided by

FCN's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor Appendix

The Accountant

Questionable physical fitness. Full of occasionally useful trivia. Tends to get along with other survivors. Learns fast.
Verdict: Recruit.
The Scavenger

Shady criminal past. Likes to "boost" weapons, food, and drugs off people who are no longer able to enjoy them. Can sneak around in broad daylight. Works best alone.
Verdict: Don't trust, but recruit if necessary.

The Medic

Medical experience. Knows what to do when people get hurt. Calm in an emergency. Has medical supplies. Doesn't know how to fire a gun.
Verdict: Recruit at all costs.

The Newbie

Can't wait to fight zombies. Has been eagerly waiting for this day for months. Has a zombie costume at home. Wears it to parties all the time. Knows all about fighting zombies and can't wait to tell you.
Verdict: Shoot on sight.

The Looter

Sees the apocalypse as a chance to get rich. Can't walk by a store without breaking in and stealing stuff. Has a growing stockpile of goods back at "the pad."
Verdict: Ask for directions, then avoid.

The Ninja

Obscures face. Has dozens of medieval weapons hidden on person. Can jump over buildings and kill people just by thinking about it.
Verdict: Recruit.

The Princess

Has never been out of an air-conditioned environment. Unpredictable in high-stress situations. Incredibly naive. Worries about her hair even while zombies are clawing at it.
Verdict: Recruit if desperate for people or if confident she can be protected until trained.

Never smiles. Wears elaborate costume. Sits awake at night brooding. Carries gigantic sword. Loaded with sage advice.
Verdict: Recruit, then appoint head of the party.

The Baby

Fresh-faced. Obedient. Idolizes other survivors. Can handle self in stressful situation but will eventually break down after prolonged exposure to zombies. Will eventually be mortally wounded, causing the other survivors to gather around with tears in their eyes, listening to exclamations like: "I'm so young!" and "It hurts!"
Verdict: Do not recruit.

The Biker

Covered in tattoos. Won't let anyone touch personal stuff. Is "too tough" for zombies. Would sooner die a slow death than admit to fear. Has a vague zombie plan involving killing them all.
Verdict: Recruit if can follow orders.

The Demo Man

Smokes a cigar. Talks loudly. Carries dynamite and grenades. Tosses lit fuses over shoulder and walks away in slow motion as things blow up from behind.
Verdict: Unnecessary, but occasionally useful. Recruit.

The Chef

Carries blades and knows how to use them. Can feed a hundred people without breaking a sweat.
Verdict: Recruit and have cover rear.

The Veteran

Always has something in mouth. Cantankerous. Claims that this "doesn't compare to the zombie apocalypse of '73," when they had to go uphill barefoot in the snow with head wounds and nagging girlfriends just to get shotgun shells. Knows how to handle a weapon.
Verdict: Recruit and keep under close watch.

The FCN Contributor

Weak and pasty. Terrified of zombies. Lots of useful head knowledge. Constantly calls "my girlfriend to make sure she's all right." Existence of said girlfriend is dubious. Keeps posting on FCN as if nothing has happened. Occasionally makes snide remarks.
Verdict: By all means recruit.

Well, that's it for the Zombie Monday series! We hope we've done our part to help get you ready for the future.

So what are we going to do with this space next Monday? Come back then and find out!


sean b said...

Thanks guys for this series!!! I've never laughed so hard at a series ever!!! I always look forward to Mondays!!

Keep up the awesome posts!

Anonymous said...

I didn't exactly read everything, but just to let you know, having a zombie apocalypse survival plan is completely useless if you become a zombie yourself. I mean come on, there's always that possibility. But keep it up, guys. There's still a chance somebody out there might not become a zombie.

guitarbob said...

I love it!!! However, I don't think you made it clear enough how important it is to recruit a ninja. I mean, seriously, they can make the world go slow-motion and kill peoply with their pinkies!!!