Chuck Norris Monday

Please excuse the delay in getting this post up. For reasons related to the content, it was unsafe to post it in the morning (when Chuck Norris was most likely to check FCN and see it).

Chuck Norris is a reasonably nice guy. This is why we are all still alive. But the cosmic threat that he poses means we would be remiss in avoiding him.

There are a host of legends about Chuck Norris, many of which are untrue. These elevate Chuck Norris to an almost godlike status and increase the hysteria associated with a potential Chuck Norris apocalypse. The first step in forming a Chuck Norris survival plan is to cut through the smoke and mirrors and look at some facts:

Chuck Norris does not know where Carmen San Diego is.

The universe does not revolve around Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris cannot touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris has never played Russian Roulette.

The Bermuda Triangle has never been a square.

We don't mean to lure you into a false sense of security, however. Chuck Norris is extremely dangerous. How dangerous? His roundhouse kick is capable of generating a whopping 5.7E48 joules, which is trillions of times more energy than the Death Star used to blast apart Alderaan. Nothing can withstand kinetic energy on that level - not even gravity. In fact, Chuck Norris' kick would theoretically be capable of dismantling the sun.

So how do you fight Chuck Norris?

You don't.

Duh.

There are two (simple) ways to survive in a universe containing Chuck Norris.

1) Don't get him angry. This is what has prevented the apocalypse up to now. Chuck Norris is really a nice guy with a solid respect for human life. He doesn't want to go off killing people. His power remains almost totally untapped.

As long as this remains the case, it's clear skies ahead. But if Chuck Norris starts getting angry, the situation will go downhill fast. Simple way to prevent: keep him happy. Chuck Norris doesn't just need to not feel like kicking things. He needs to have a deep subconcious understanding that violence is not the answer. If you see Chuck Norris, shake his hand and compliment him on how tranquil he looks today. If he asks you to do something, do it. Use polite phrases like hello, thank you, after you, and you have a nice beard. Don't draw attention to things that bother Chuck Norris (such as democrats and ninjas). Focus on peaceful topics.

Don't say anything bad about Chuck Norris where he can see it. You'll note that this post doesn't contain any directly anti-Chuck material. This is because we are smart cookies.

2) Don't get in his way. If Chuck Norris does get angry, the chances of terrestrial survival are very slim. Your best bet is to get off the planet immediately (before the shock waves from his kicks break the planet apart). Most space launching activity is in Texas and Florida; there's also some action in Russia and China but it will be much harder to hitch a ride there. We suggest avoiding Texas at all costs. If you can't get into space, get into the air (which transmits shock much less than dirt). Planes, helicopters, jumping - it all helps.

Get away from large bodies of water, where tsunami waves will begin to pick up and wash onto shore. And as always, evacuate metropolitan areas. Chuck Norris is likely to head for them if he's bent on exterminating civilization. It also contains buildings/sharp objects you don't want to be around in case of a round-house induced earthquake.

Take advantage of the fact that Chuck Norris is just one man. If he's not toasting the planet, you will probably be able to escape him if you just keep running. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to resist. You will only make him angrier, and the only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is more Chuck Norris.

Eventually he will calm down or get tired (not physically - Chuck Norris doesn't get fatigued. But he might get bored). If the planet is still in working condition, resume normal life and repeat step 1 indefinitely.

If the planet is destroyed, you'll be exiled into space. But that's a topic for another Monday.