The Constitution of the Divided States of America

We, the people of the Divided States of America, in order to form a much more perfect union, establish tolerant systems of justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense of the “little man," and secure the blessings of Libertarianism for ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Divided States of America.

Proposal: In preparation for the Presidential Election in 2012, The Advocates of the DSA do hereby propose a geographic relocation of persons according to party affiliation. We suggest that all Democrats be pushed to the west coast, all Republicans be moved to the east coast, and all undecided and independent voters be placed in the Midwestern states. Inasmuch as many liberals already reside in Left Coast states, this plan should not require too much rearranging. In addition to campaigning in their own territories, both parties will be able to access the quagmire of undecided and independent voters in the Midwest by pressing in on both sides.

Disclaimer: This should not be confused with gerrymandering practices. The Advocates of the DSA is a non-partisan, social awareness group.

The Plan: Relocation should begin as soon as possible in order to allow a proper length of time before the 2012 election. This plan would allow 3 presidential candidates to be chosen, one from each territory. For example, the left coast would choose a candidate, the right coast would choose a candidate, and so on. Then a battle royale would begin in the summer of 2012. No doubt, each side will release a barrage of cutting, critical commercials dissing the other candidates. There will be a series of scripted debates that will be held in the Battleground Middle-ground states. Consequently, on election day, the candidate with the most votes wins. Who needs the electoral college anyway? The only people who understand the electoral college are the people who went to school there.

Assuming, arguendo, that a tie occurs, a staring contest will be held to determine the winner.

Some people may attempt to distort their political affiliations in order to benefit their party by infiltrating enemy territory. Although some people will succeed in their efforts, an elephant test will be conducted if concerns are raised about a person's party connections. For example, a case of Obama bumper stickers found hidden in a garage would be enough evidence to send a person to the Left Coast.

Divided we stand, United we fall.

Damon to Make Fourth Bourne Movie

HOLLYWOOD, CA (FCN) -- Action hero and reigning Sexiest Man Alive Matt Damon has agreed to make a fourth Bourne film with the not-so-sexy director Paul Greengrass. Set to be released sometime in the year 2010, the movie will bring a smile to shoot 'em up fans the world over.

"We really couldn't not make this movie," explained Greengrass, using his trademark double negative. "I mean, artistically, cinemagraphically and [most importantly] financially it makes a world of sense for Universal Pictures to try and one-up the last movie, even if it means an eight figure paycheck to me."

The story will pick up where the last film left off - with Jason Bourne floating in the East River, presumably not dead. While script writers are mum about the storyline, moviegoers are already making plot predictions.

"This answers the question that's been sticking in my craw for the last, you know, since I left the theater," began an ardent fan of the franchise who wanted his name withheld. "I mean, was Bourne still alive? You've got that smile from the cute chick with the short hair after she sees his picture on TV, but anyone can smile, you know? It's just a matter of turning the corners of your lips up and relaxing your eyes. That really doesn't tell you whether or not he's kicked the bucket. Unless they plan on bringing in a new hero in the new film - like having Jack Bauer take over for Bourne - Jason's got to still be alive."

According to the Internet Movie Database, several actors from the earlier films have attached their names to the new production, not the least of which is Matt Damon himself.

"I just had to do it," began Damon in a phone interview with FCN shortly after E! News scooped everyone by announcing the new film before Universal's Press Release confirming the story, a risky yet rewarding journalistic strategy. "After I read the petition prepared by Funny Class Notes, there was no way I could break the hearts of so many fans and step on the man crush of that one pathetic contributor you guys have. I had to make the movie."

Damon's sentiments may ring with the sound of fan friendliness, but they are most likely motivated by hefty financial incentives.

"Look: I don't want to be typecast as some kind of action hero in the mold of Arnold or Bruce," Damon intoned, referencing California's governor and the former wrestler. "I mean, look at the women those guys have ended up with. The only way I'd do this is if the money were right. A man's gotta feed his children and this sexy face ain't getting any more attractive. At some point I want to let myself go physically and just do artsy roles, like Jack Nicholson; but for now, I can't ignore the call of the dime."

For whatever the reason, Robert Ludlum's signature character will rise again on the big screen.

FCN's Godchild needs your help

You read it right: FCN is asking you, the faithful few, to get off your collective duffs and do something for an unprecedented second consecutive day. Consider it a Valentine's day gift for three guys, who tried hard but weren't able to scare up a Valentine. Consider it an expression of goodwill and self effacement; a declaration that the self is less than the whole.

But enough with the altruistic promulgations.

Last Summer, FCN celebrated the arrival of rFCN, a website established in the vein of Funny Class Notes but with much funnier jokes (hence the name, Really Funny Class Notes). This blog was, for all intents and purposes, the Godchild of FCN: It was birthed of our seed, in its infancy it created little messes for us to clean up, later it started maturing and finally rebelled against FCN wholeheartedly during its "teenage" period.

We even share a name. Yes, "rFCN, I am your father."

Now the site is going through its midlife crisis. After a period of almost two and a half months with only one post of new content, even the most loyal rFCN fans were beginning to think FCN's spinoff blog had gone the way of Shinzo Abe. What are readers to think when an unannounced break continues into seeming perpetuity? That you've taken a extended bathroom break?

rFCN has returned from its hiatus with an ultimatum: 15 unique comments or the plug is pulled, the water will drain out and rFCN will be placed on permanent suspension. No more inspiration for us derelicts or regular, throat-clearing guffaws. Our abs will no longer be worked by uncontrollable laughter and happy tears will have to be simulated with Visine.

Yes, rFCN's position is as dire as it sounds. Unlike its Godparent, rFCN does not have Mommy G making brownies or offering an unconditional stream of motivating comments. Without such support, I might consider leaving the blog world behind as well. Heck, I've done it. Twice.

As we intoned when rFCN first broke the plane of blogosphere mediocrity last July, having a spinoff blog is the highest form of praise. It shows a level of support and adoration that cannot be duplicated by boxes of chocolates and flowers. Imitation is the highest form of praise and we here at FCN figured we'd about made the pinnacle of blog success.

For a blog that can't even muster a dozen readers, having an imitator is high encouragement. But if rFCN goes the way of the Brontosaurus, we will no longer have that acclaim. Our regular ego boost will be deflated and FCN will be back to generating its own motivation (which often means burning Supreme Court justices in effigy).

For you, the faithful FCN few, losing rFCN might mean a reduction in the quality of FCN posts, which isn't saying much, I know, but it is still something.

If this post warmed your heart at all. If it increased your blood pressure or drew one iota more color to your face, please consider visiting rFCN and commenting on their desperation post. The link, for those of you who don't click on things is:

http://reallyfunnyclassnotes.blogspot.com/2008/02/did-you-ever-get-feeling-you-were-being.html

And if that impassioned plea doesn't do the trick, maybe this will:

Green SUV

Environmentalist extremists are hypocrites. It seems that that's the message sent by every major "green" political figure from Al Gore III to Paris Hilton. I don't want to believe that, though; I want to think that every conservationist who puts plants and animals before human beings has the purist of intentions and a consistent heart. I want to believe that environmentalist extremists put the same fervor behind their convictions as Tookie Williams. I really really do.

In fact, I put myself to sleep every night not by counting sheep, but by saying over and over again "Greens are people too, Greens are people too, Greens are people too..." My room mate says he wants me to find help.

Anyway, that's the overly elaborate setup for my trip to work from school the other day that had me zipping (siren sounds) along the interstate listening to Emerson Drive's rendition of Devil Went Down to Georgia. I really think the Campbell Creek Gang has a better version, but regardless the devil was just getting his fiddle licks in when I noticed a Chevrolet Suburban up ahead of me. The Suburban was guzzling along at the speed limit so I quickly gained the distance to its bumper and had to tap the brakes to keep from tailgating.

That's when I noticed that the car was adorned with several bumper stickers. Seven to be exact. They covered the back window and bumper like a poorly applied wallpaper and left small gaps where I could see the car's original color.

The bumper stickers were, as you may have anticipated, strongly from a Green persuasion. "Vote Green," "TREEHUGGER," "Treehugging Dirt Worshipper," "Plant Seeds and Sing Songs," and "Love Your MOTHER" with a small avatar of the globe are the only five I remember, but you get the idea. The driver of the car had obviously bought out the campaign offices of Ralph Nader and done a number on her vehicle immediately thereafter. I didn't even want to think about resale value.

The obvious question in my mind is why in the wold a Greenie would be driving a Guzzler. A little research reveals that the 2006 Suburban gets a meager 15 miles per gallon in the city. Each additional gallon burned, according to the propagandists who write those bumper stickers, is more environmental pollution and further propels our nation toward global warming or cooling, whichever doomsday scenario is in vogue.

It was plain hypocrisy and a laughable inconsistency to see an environmentally unfriendly vehicle with Greenie stickers.

But FCN isn't a blog that just sit backs and snipes. No! We offer solutions and find ways around hypocrisy. What the driver of this vehicle (a female, in case you just had to know) should do is purchase a bike or SMART car (0 to 60 in sixty seconds!) and paste all her messages onto this green form of transportation. Or, if she were really environmentally conscious, she could just walk everywhere and save the manufacturers of the bike the pollution of corrugating the steel and place her favorite bumpersticker on her back. (Notice I didn't say backside, because that would have been inappropriate).

I consulted a friend in search of the reasons that might drive (note the pun!) a young woman to such ironic hypocrisy, and my friend pointed out that maybe she is a new driver, put-putting around in her parent's vehicle. If so, maybe she felt the need to express her individuality without shelling out the big bucks for a ride of her own. Or, and this is my idea, someone vandalized her vehicle with the stickers and she has yet to notice.

This episode does present a rule of thumb that you, the faithful FCN few, can draw from: whatever you are driving, make sure your bumper stickers match the make and model. If you are driving a hybrid (Prius, Camry), you can roll with the greenie tags. If your whip is a slick sports car (Porsche, Mustang), you can ride with an arogant and speedster sticker. If you ride around in a truck or beater sedan (S-10, F-150), a military pride message or something having to do with beers after work works well. Expensive cars that send a message on their own (Beamers, Escalades) should generally leave their bumpers with their factory installed shine; they should be clear of anything that would block the natural beauty of the car.

And, as always, FCN readers should consider the FCN bumpersticker collection for their cars. OK, terribly sorry for ending an otherwise solid post with a shameless stub, but, well, that's the kind of car I drive.

"And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be on every beast of the earth, on every bird of the air, on all that move on the earth, and on all the fish of the sea. They are given into your hand. Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. I have given you all things, even as the green herbs."
~ Genesis 9:4

Open Letter

Some of you were apparently distraught by yesterday's post which referenced the past in the future tense. We used the word "yesterday" to refer an event which happened the day before and today we will make the old record current. Got all that?

Some probably assumed, erroneously, that yesterday's use of "yesterday" was a mistake. You know what they say about assumptions. We were actually trying to point out a major flaw in the time space continuum and derive a semi-semantic conclusion about the ineptitude of the modern tongue. So, in reality, you were the ones who made a mistake. Makes you think twice about the English language doesn't it?

Well, how's that for an excuse? I think we're getting better at it.

Dear Matt Damon,

You rock. You have this knack for adding gravity to every role you play and transforming mediocre scripts into critically and popularly acclaimed masterpieces. Your face has this amorphous quality to it exudes manliness, sensitivity and art all at the same time. You are, without a doubt, one of the finest male leads ever to act in Hollywood and have proven your versatility with numerous roles. You are an A-list actor and one of the best on that list.

You – and this is going to get even more gushy than the first paragraph so skip down a few lines if you're the judging kind – make me swoon like no other man. I mean that in a purely man-man context; but you still make me swoon. Maybe swoon isn't the right word...

At the same time there is an ugly rumor – the kind of rumor that ruins the reputation of respectable junior high girls – that you will be abandoning your loyal fans; leaving us behind and ignoring our cinematic desires. I'm writing, of course, about the Bourne franchise and the recent announcement of two new movie adventures in planning...without you. Rumor has it you are leaving Robert Ludwig's creation behind and that, because you don't want to be typecast as an action hero, you are going to seek your fame and fortune elsewhere. You said as much in an promotion interview for your latest film, Ocean's Thirteen.

You, Matt, are the only person who can carry the role of Jason Bourne. I have followed the series since you were first introduced in Identity and completely associate you with the quick thinking former black operations officer. You define the role. Matt Damon and Jason Bourne are synonyms in my book. Your parents may just as well have named you for that role; had they known Ludwig, I would suspect the connection.

If you choose to move away from the Bourne franchise, you will join legions of down and out actors who left what worked to “try something different” only to be panned later on. Al Pacino could have stuck with successful movies like Godfather, but he decided to seek himself in overacted critical flops like Simone. Halle Berry had a great career ahead of her before she settled for Catwoman. Even Robin Williams, the genius behind Mrs. Doubtfire, had to let it all go to star in stupid comedies like the one in theaters now. William's only recent good movie was Good Will Hunting, which, coincidentally, was a movie you wrote and starred in.

Can't you read the tea leaves?

Please say that your comments were a publicity move to direct the media to your current project. Please deny the rumors and say you will never forsake your loyal fans. Please don't abandon us. Please make another movie so I can get of my knees and stop my crazy Bourne vigils. Please, Matt?

Respectfully,

Funny Class Notes

Cindy Sheehan is a Filthy Quitter

Caution: This post is not very nice to Cindy...

Almost two years ago, a Heroine of audacious tenacity, the Matron Saint of Peace Advocacy reacted to the violent loss of Her son to protest our country’s invasion of Iraq. This advocate raised the white flag and waived it militantly. She protested what She saw as a travesty of justice by purchasing a small tract of land adjacent to our President’s ranch plot and setting up a camp on that property which She named after Her late son.

She then joined on the talk show, TV and late night circuses, collecting support for Her cause and rallying Her anti-war troops. She called out the Commander-in-Chief to explain Her son’s demise and threatened both major political parties with exposure. More than just threaten, She actually exposed, digging up some dirt and lobbying in favor the changes She felt were necessary.

Then, with little warning and no named successor, Cindy Sheehan quit. On Memorial Day of all days, Sheehan said She had “failed” her late son and would now be packing up her fliers, bumper stickers, hats, pins and triangular flags and leaving Texas and maybe the USA altogether.

Sheehan says Her departure is due to slanderous and hurtful comments from the political left. She could take flak from the right but not from the left. She said She felt She’d been double crossed. Some in Her entourage claim the promise of an especially warm Al Gore summer was the last straw. Other’s felt it had something to do with a tempting offer from PETA. But regardless of her rationale, the Human Dove (Bar) is leaving tens of hundreds of faithful protesters without a leader.

It’s like the disappointment of Lindsey Lohan collapsing during a drunken cocaine binge or Rachel Smith falling on stage during the evening gown portion of the Miss World competition – we are sorry not to see the glamorous conclusion of Your efforts.

The army of peace has lost its Head; the battalion is without a Commanding Officer.

C’mon Cindy! Leading an underground political movement isn’t like smoking; You don’t have to quit. Just because You’ve been betrayed by the left doesn’t mean You are justified in betraying them back.

Where will the dried up hippies who’ve found new life and moisture under Your leadership flock now? What will become of the Leave Iraq activists who used Your movement as a way to release long suppressed tensions? Will the social miscreants who found purpose under Your banner have to return to bum-dom or will another leader rise from the ashes to call out our president? Who will this Phoenix be and how do You know his motives will be as pure as Yours?

Here at FCN, we think You’re a filthy quitter. Your son gave the ultimate sacrifice in a cause he thought was right and just – he’s a hero, no question – and You tried to make his life into something new after his demise. You tried, but You quit.

Go now. Leave. Fee to Canada, France or the Caribbean or wherever it is defeated leftists reside when the smoke clears.

Have a good life. And please don’t come back in a few months on an Anniversary tour to release a few birds and deliver some tired Bush jokes. You’re yesterday’s news. You’re a filthy quitter. And we don’t like You anymore.