Congratulations! You Won The Beauty Contest!

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the 2007 Beauty Contest Champion! Not you, young lady. Those pink digits will lose their velvety softness if you smack them into each other like the ruffians down there. Simply tap them together like chopsticks; pay no mind to the noise – or lack thereof; it’s the image that counts.

This young lady has just won the beauty contest! That means that she has delayed the natural biological process of aging and protected her God-given features better and more completely than any of the other contestants. Her face is only a little more textured than the day she was born. With strong SPF sunscreen and a little luck, she’ll stay smooth for a few more decades.

Give it up for the girl who has deferred entropy, halted decay and generally preserved perfection!

I can't hear you! Yeah, that's better.

This young woman was gifted with these stunning looks from the beginning and she’s done everything in her power to maintain them. Today, we recognize that sacrifice.

Hoist that trophy high! Or, because your arms are about as strong as a couple of rotten toothpicks, ask boyfriend to hoist it for you. Better yet, having large, heavy objects above your flawless visage is inadvisable because gravity has a way of causing hideous scares. We’ll just snap the photograph with the award on the table.

And we’ll need to have a conversation with boyfriend. Can’t have you two making any mistakes that would irreversibly alter your appearance, if you know what I mean.

Go now, and celebrate your victory with cake and streamers. Or, on second thought, better not touch the cake whose simple sugars and heavy fats would probably ride your slow metabolism right to your hips. Instead, try some more of that fat free yogurt; it’s a thinning substitute. And better dispense with the streamers too. Those can malfunction and cause nasty, career ending, flesh wounds.

On consideration, it’s probably best you avoid all sharp objects. A single two-second accident can reverse a lifetime of herbal treatments. Let others do the chopping, cutting, hauling and stacking; you can sit back and look beautiful.

Speaking of which, that gorgeous crown atop your head had better come down. Not only is it a gravity hazard, it threatens to tousle your carefully formed locks and ruin an otherwise impeccable hairstyle.

But go; enjoy your victory; you’ve earned it!