Life Tip #69

Do not make an obscene gesture toward the police.

If you must make an obscene gesture toward the police, do not do so while riding a motorcycle.

If you must make an obscene gesture toward the police while riding a motorcycle, do not pop a wheelie to draw attention to your indiscretion.

If you must make an obscene gesture toward the police while riding a motorcycle and pop a wheelie to draw attention to your indiscretion, do not crash your motorcycle.

If you must make an obscene gesture toward the police while riding a motorcycle and pop a wheelie to draw attention to your indiscretion before crashing your motorcycle, do not crash into a police car.

How to Tell the Difference Between a Violin and an Accordion

It's one of those awkward moments that happens to everyone. You see someone playing an instrument and go to complement them.

"I didn't know you could play the accordion!"
"It's a violin, you thtoopud!"

Awkward. Very awkward. After a recent incident involving a spatula and a very irate accordion purist, we decided that a public service announcement was in order. What follows is a concise but complete 2-step guide to determining which instrument you're looking at. We like to call it the FCN Accordion/Violin Method, or simply the FAV Method.

Step 1) Avoid making a total fool of yourself.

There are many different kinds of instruments, including bassoons. If the instrument in question is neither a violin nor an accordion, you should avoid using this method. Here are a few red flags:



A big flaring end. This is for sound to come out of when you blow into it. Any instrument with such a device is definitely not a violin or an accordion, and may possibly be a bagpipe.

Frets. These usually come on stringed instruments, which make them hard to spot because violins also have strings (more on this later). Look for metal lines running perpendicular to the strings. If you see them, the instrument is not a violin or accordion. There's an important exception to this rule, however. If the frets are made of paper tape, you can be absolutely certain the instrument belongs to a beginning violinist.

A mouthpiece. Mouthpieces are for blowing into. Violins and accordions are NOT for blowing into. Even a violinist with taped paper frets will not blog into her instrument.

Bigness. Anything requiring wheels, multiple decks of keys, a hand crank, or trade tariffs is probably not what you're looking for.

Safety devices. Instruments are designed to be safe to use (except for harmonicas of course). If you have to buckle yourself into it, it's probably not a violin or accordion.

A trigger. The only musical instruments that come with triggers are custom-made mandolins, the players of which are not to be trifled with. You should never come close enough to an object with a trigger to determine whether or not it is an accordion.

2) Look closely.

This is a violin. Note the bow, strings (without frets), bridge, unique box shape, and tuners.

This is an accordion. Note the keys, levers, handles, contracting accordion bag, and general frenchiness.

And that's all there is to it! Remember that the key to the FAV Method is practice. Don't beat yourself up if you get it wrong a few times. Keep practicing. It's okay to print out these pictures and take them with you for quick reference. Observe a few violins/accordions close up and personal. Note what they have in common and what sets them apart. With time you'll get it and you'll be able to join the ranks of the FAV Masters.

Damon to Make Fourth Bourne Movie

HOLLYWOOD, CA (FCN) -- Action hero and reigning Sexiest Man Alive Matt Damon has agreed to make a fourth Bourne film with the not-so-sexy director Paul Greengrass. Set to be released sometime in the year 2010, the movie will bring a smile to shoot 'em up fans the world over.

"We really couldn't not make this movie," explained Greengrass, using his trademark double negative. "I mean, artistically, cinemagraphically and [most importantly] financially it makes a world of sense for Universal Pictures to try and one-up the last movie, even if it means an eight figure paycheck to me."

The story will pick up where the last film left off - with Jason Bourne floating in the East River, presumably not dead. While script writers are mum about the storyline, moviegoers are already making plot predictions.

"This answers the question that's been sticking in my craw for the last, you know, since I left the theater," began an ardent fan of the franchise who wanted his name withheld. "I mean, was Bourne still alive? You've got that smile from the cute chick with the short hair after she sees his picture on TV, but anyone can smile, you know? It's just a matter of turning the corners of your lips up and relaxing your eyes. That really doesn't tell you whether or not he's kicked the bucket. Unless they plan on bringing in a new hero in the new film - like having Jack Bauer take over for Bourne - Jason's got to still be alive."

According to the Internet Movie Database, several actors from the earlier films have attached their names to the new production, not the least of which is Matt Damon himself.

"I just had to do it," began Damon in a phone interview with FCN shortly after E! News scooped everyone by announcing the new film before Universal's Press Release confirming the story, a risky yet rewarding journalistic strategy. "After I read the petition prepared by Funny Class Notes, there was no way I could break the hearts of so many fans and step on the man crush of that one pathetic contributor you guys have. I had to make the movie."

Damon's sentiments may ring with the sound of fan friendliness, but they are most likely motivated by hefty financial incentives.

"Look: I don't want to be typecast as some kind of action hero in the mold of Arnold or Bruce," Damon intoned, referencing California's governor and the former wrestler. "I mean, look at the women those guys have ended up with. The only way I'd do this is if the money were right. A man's gotta feed his children and this sexy face ain't getting any more attractive. At some point I want to let myself go physically and just do artsy roles, like Jack Nicholson; but for now, I can't ignore the call of the dime."

For whatever the reason, Robert Ludlum's signature character will rise again on the big screen.

Madame, cover that up...please?

It was a gorgeous Spring day outside and the French class felt couped up behind the white walls of the biggest classroom building on campus. Someone suggested we enjoy the amenities of nature and spend part of the class dehors. No one objected so we grabbed our textbooks and sortied.

As I have had opportunity to mention here before, French classes are dominated by the fairer sex. Something about the Y chromosome doesn't take to language instruction and we guys generally shun all courses whose modus operandi is to "get you out of our box." Males have a hard enough time communicating in English much less in a second tongue, especially one that forces all vowel sounds through the nose. Without exception, the guys in my French class are eccentric, odd and just plain weird (if you just applied that sentence to me, please don't think you are being original or insulting). With some exceptions, the males are also submissive, Type B personalities who would rather bow down than face conflict.

I offered my consent for the departure, a mark of approval I now regret giving.

The class' female majority led the males out of the classroom toward a picnic table where the Professor would be conducting her lecture. Predictably, the request to go outside had been as shortsighted as our bifocaled instructor and the seating area we secured lacked the capacity for all fifteen of us. Being gentlemen as well as scholars, we males let the ladies take the seats and squatted like our ancestors on the warm cement. While my left leg went to sleep, the professor asked us questions about the depressing Senegalese author she'd assigned the week before.

At first my attention was devoted solely to the material. I struggled to comprehend the author's difficult vocabulary and took notes about the other student's thoughts on the selection. For the most part, I was not environmentally aware. All of that changed when I looked to my left.

A young woman, who's name has graced these pages before, was seated on a picnic table bench directly beside me. She was leaning forward, presumably for the same reasons I was leaning forward (although I doubt think her leg was asleep). Unlike me, she was wearing a short cut blouse that failed to reach the top of her jeans. Actually, it failed miserably. Her shirt left about five inches of bare skin on her back to exposure to the outside elements.

This sort of thing has always bothered me, but I'd never had to deal with it in such close proximity. From my perch, inches away from the exhibit, I could see the roots of the hairs as they rose from her skin. I blinked twice, trying desperately to delete the image. I forced my eyes back to the reading and calmed my breathing. I thought about changing seats, but was penned in by another student to my right who was leaning toward me to stay in the shade. Any movement on my part would really disrupt the precarious tranquility we'd managed to attain. Moving would also break the code of non-disruption and throw the apple cart doctrine into a state of flux.

I thought about reaching up and pulling the young woman's shirt down. Such a nonchalant move could restore some standards of propriety to our small group and would also allow me to breath normally. Then I remembered the pending lawsuits on campus against males who had performed similar behaviors and decided force was not a suitable remedy. Maybe that was the reason guys don't take French: they can't take the lower backs.

I was powerless to enforce any kind of decency. The young woman had made her shirt selection and the rest of us had to suffer because of her mistake. I decided to mitigate the pain by keeping my concentration on my book.

My Look Away strategy worked until the Professor called on me. As I looked up to answer, I cast an inadvertent glance toward The Back and my mental picture was instantly refreshed. "Ma'am I didn't ask for this refill." I don't recall the question, but my response went something like this: "I think the author demonstrates a lot of backbone in the face of harried circumstances. I mean she could have tried to cover up her pain but instead she aired it out for everyone. Some would see that as a virtue, but I find it a tad disgusting."

The Professor nodded her approval and proceeded to explain my logic to the rest of the class. Apparently "my theory" was shared by some prominent literary critics, although it wasn't the mainstream interpretation.

The beautiful day had fallen under a shadow, the shadow of a nude back. I couldn't see the sun but was frightfully close to seeing the moon and I couldn't wait to get out of there.

French class is like the internet: you can't unwatch anything.

25 things not to do at the dinner table...

Taken from Amy Vanderbilt and personal experience...

1) Compliment the food and then ask why it tastes so much worse than usual.
2) Dilute the stew with water from your cup.
3) Dilute the stew with milk from your cup.
4) Strain water out from your stew into your water cup using your hands as an improvised colander.
5) Talk about Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi or Michael Jackson.
6) Wear headphones.
7) Raise your hand to ask a question.
8) Take notes.
9) Read back from your notes during the conversation.
10) Use your fork as anything other than an eating utensil.
11) Bend the tines on your fork for better mastication assistance.
12) Use the term "mastication assistance."
13) Take food from a passing tray with your hands.
14) Justify the taking of food from a passing tray with your hands.
15) Apologize for taking food from a passing tray with your hands.
16) Ask questions about the nutritional qualities of the meal.
17) Wonder out loud about the pesticides used on the vegetables.
18) Mention the PETA poster posted to your cubicle wall and describe in detail the images displayed thereon.
19) Bounce you knee up and down to get a cardiovascular workout.
20) Say "PETA poster posted prettily" three times fast.
21) Ask what the menu will look like tomorrow.
22) Wonder aloud if the meat at the table once had dark or light fur.
23) Sing an Avril Lavigne song and/or attempt to lead others in an Avril Lavigne song.
24) Draw comparisons between the taste of the food to anything eaten during last summer's family camping trip.
25) Ask how long it will be until the meal ends.