The Top Ten Threats to America

There are a lot of people saying a lot of things about this country and it's time we sat down and cleared the air a bit.

1) Badly popped popcorn getting stuck in the back of your throat. Pieces of popcorn shell are like danger on a stick, the only difference being that they're not on a stick. We would discourage thinking too hard about that one.

2) Mothers-in-law. We're talking some major scariness here. Now many of us have great mother-in-laws and/or are great mother-in-laws and or know great mother-in-laws, etc, etc, and those sorts of things and such stuff and all the rest, and whatnot. But the fact is, mother-in-laws are scary people no matter what. I mean, they're the mothers of your spouse! That is, they are the mother of your spouse. She is the mother of your spouses.

See. Scary.

3) Orbital bombardment. Imagine if some massively advanced alien race showed up in the sky and started raining super-hot plasma bombs all over everywhere, scorching whole continents into glass and debris. We'd launch ICBMs back at them but the missiles would just bounce off their shielding and fall back onto the planet and blow up and kill more of us. That would seriously just ruin the entire day. It would probably be best to sleep in if that happened and miss the whole thing.

4) This isn't my toothbrush. If you share a bathroom with someone you know what we're talking about here.

5) Bermuda grass. Also known as cynodon or dog-tooth grass, this stuff spreads like spilt milk and is only slightly harder to get rid of than the entire Asian landmass. It has been known to hide in bushes or behind corners and jump out on unsuspecting passerby, scaring the smoothie out of them.

6) Death. We bet you didn't expect to see that one on the list! But it's a simple fact that death is very dangerous and rather widespread. About 155,000 people die every day. Don't think it can't happen to you. After all, as Cal Naughton, Jr so aptly pointed out in a movie we definitely did not see: "98% of us will die at some point in our lives."

7) Snickers bars. That's right. Snickers bars. You didn't realize that every time you bit into a Snickers you were contributing to one of the top ten threats to America now did you? We didn't think so. Well now you know. Don't let it happen again.

8) Dance Dance Revolution. It was invented by evil people specifically to take over the world. And that's exactly what it's doing. We know because we saw someone standing outside GameStop earlier today with a sign reading:

"DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION WAS INVENTED BY EVIL PEOPLE SPECIFICALLY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT'S DOING."

9) Stubbed toes. Just when you're really on a roll and you're off doing something, kachow! you're on the floor clutching your toesie-woesies and looking for someone to strangle. Yet another reason you should have slept in today.

10) We can't say. We know what the 10th threat is but we can't post it here because, well, this is a family friendly blog - or at least it is during the week. Let's just say that the number one threat to America starts with "Daily" and rhymes with "boss." Hint.