Projected President-Elect!

So Barack O'Bama is going to be our new President. I'm not going to lie: when I heard the news last week, I was elated. We've seen some 37 presidents since FCN started humbly back in 1821, but this guy - the 38th of our auspicious existence - has something different. He is very different. Incredibly unique. The first in a very different and incredibly unique way. How you ask? That's a good question. I'd give you the answer, but the way in which O'Bama is different just slipped my mind. It was right there, but it faded away like an enigma, like an old soldier.

Gagh! I wish I could remember what it is that makes O'Bama different!

I remember now. He's disabled. No. That's not it. He's Asian? Something like that. Hispanic? I'm not feeling it. He's a woman? That just sounds weird. I wish I could remember. He's old? No, that's his running mate. He's a Native American? Now, I'm trying too hard. Oh, I remember now. Barack O'Bama is gay. Yes, faithful few, O'Bama is gay. He is madly in love with Gavin Newsom. No, that's no it either.

I'm sorry faithful few. I can't remember what it is that makes O'Bama unique.

Whatever. I'm not going to cry over spilt milk. Back to the main story. Our nation just elected our second black President (after President Clinton, of course) and the first Arab-African/American.

Arab-African/American. That's the AAA that's not related to cars. It's one more A than the AARP, which O'Bama beat soundly on November 4th. Thank you, I thought that was particularly creative. It's three continents out of seven before Barry even exited the womb. It's a walking museum of cultural heritage. It's one part Machboo, one part Ugali, one part hamburger and three parts pure manly studliness. No wonder Newsome is all crazy about him.

O'Bama's life started rough. The son of a mill worker, O'Bama's father had to borrow fifty dollars to bring him home from the hospital. An impoverished youth, O'Bama saw first-hand the devastating effects of bad government and corporate greed when his family came under financial hardship. Or is that John Edwards? I get the two confused. Regardless, this is rags to riches journey of self discovery is making a stop at the White House. What a great story. This is starting to sound like a bad Disney movie.

And with this grand introduction, we welcome O'Bama to this great land and extend him the highest position of leadership we have. Great job, Senator, we look forward to the next four years.