Obama Speaks Of Hope, Change, and Unyielding Hope

As usual, we didn't realize the election was nearly upon us until it was over. Apparently Mr Barack O'Bama, a man who's name everyone finally knows how to spell, is going to be the President of the United States in no time at all. A lot of people are really happy about this (examples: Barack O'Bama, George W Bush). Others are not so happy (examples: John McCain, Hillary Clinton).

We decided it was high time we sat down with Barack for a chat. Over piping hot bowls of Egusi soup - a Nigerian dish he made for us using money that once belonged to corrupt CEOs - we explored topics ranging from life as someone named Barack to the changing power of hope.

FCN: Thank you for joining us, Mr O'Bama.

O'BAMA: That's "Obama;" the As are all flat.

FCN: Sorry. So tell us, what's it like to finally be done with the campaign?

OBAMA: I don't believe the campaign is ever finally done. As long as there are still Americans who have been unreached by our message of hope, the campaign must continue.

FCN: How long do you suppose that will take?

OBAMA: Hopefully not too long.

FCN: Well, you've been elected. What does that feel like?

OBAMA: I've been wanting to be President for quite awhile now. So there's definitely a sense of achievement. I'd say more than anything else, however, the confidence of the American people has inspired a new hope in me that we can create lasting change to move this country forward.

FCN: What's the first thing you'll do in office?

OBAMA: America is in a crisis, and there's no evidence that the next ten weeks will improve things any. When I first take my seat in the oval office, I'll have only one thing on my mind: change. America deserves nothing less.

FCN: How about Joe Biden? We haven't seen much of him lately.

OBAMA: What's a Joe Biden?

FCN: Well...it's a name.

OBAMA: That's a funny name, Joe Biden. I wonder where it comes from.

FCN: Well...

OBAMA: If someone left a Joe Biden on my lawn, I would tell him to pick it up.

FCN: You see ...

OBAMA: Now my kids are going to be wanting one for Christmas.

FCN: Let's move on. You've spoken about having a plan to get us out of Iraq. How will you execute that plan?

OBAMA: There's no denying that the current strategy - if you could call it that - has been a failure in Iraq and here in America. We need to change that immediately.

FCN: How?

OBAMA: We need to bring hope to a land that has too often been put on the back burner by the leaders of the world. Under my administration, we will stamp out the dark specter of despair that is beginning to take its hold in the minds of Iraqis and show them that they have a friend in Barack Obama.

FCN: How?

OBAMA: [pause] Are you serious? We ... we just covered that.

FCN: You recently spoke of a Civilian Assistance Corps you wanted to form. Can you tell us what that will be like?

OBAMA: Well, the current branches America's armed forces have two big weaknesses - first, they tend to be full of military personnel. Second, they tend kill people, break stuff, that sort of thing. It's a real problem. The CAC will provide much needed balance by organizing several units of civilian workers - lawyers, dentists, models, taxidermists, gourmet chefs - that can rapidly deploy anywhere in the world to spread a message of hope instead of bullets. That's what America is really about.

FCN: How?

OBAMA: How what?

FCN: How will they spread hope?

OBAMA: We'll have 25,000 civilian personnel organized into functional military-style units, but instead of being armed with guns and bombs, they'll be armed with the message of hope that has proven so incredibly catchy here in America.

FCN: How?

OBAMA: You're being very negative right now. You see how negative you're being? America has been suffering through that technical negativity for the last eight years. Well, no longer. You say it can't be done, but America says: Yes, we can.

FCN: I didn't realize ...

OBAMA: I understand. Eight years of Bush brainwashing will get anyone down. If I hadn't been so well insulated from the actual workings of the Senate after I got elected in Illinois I might have become a little cynical myself. Many people don't realize how great their despair has become. In the end, that's what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope?

FCN: What's your flagship issue moving into your first year of administration?

OBAMA: Issues are never simple. One thing I'm proud of is that very rarely will you hear me simplify the issues.

FCN: Many have called your policies socialist. How do you respond?

OBAMA: No. I'm not socialist. It's just that I think when you spread the wealth around it's good for everybody.

FCN: You often spoke of how you saw America divided over ...

OBAMA: No, absolutely not. I never said that. America is not divided. There is no division. There is not a liberal America and a conservative America - there is the United States of America. There is not a Black America and a White America and Latino America and Asian America - there’s the United States of America. There is not a rich America and poor America. There is not a male America and a female America. There is not an Old America and a New America! There is not a North America and South America! There is not a Human America and an Alien America! And there is definitely not a Hillary America!

FCN: [long pause] So you'd say we're all united. What about Republicans?

OBAMA: Republicans refuse to recognize the unity of America. They are the naysayers - the lobbyists, the pundits. They insist that America is divided, but they are wrong, and that is why they lost the last election. It's not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.

FCN: So if you don't count them, America is united behind your message?

OBAMA: E pluribus unum. Or perhaps better: E pluribus obama. And I don't mean that in an egotistical way - it's just that my name has come to embody everything that is good about America. I am the face of hope, change, and unyielding hope. Hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. Hope in the face of terrorists determined to kill us. Hope in the face of a once-in-a-century economic crisis. Hope in the face of John McCain. Hope in the face of Hillary Clinton! The audacity of hope!

FCN: Thank you for your time.

OBAMA: No, thank you. I hope you understand that by interviewing me, you haven't just helped yourselves or your blog. You haven't just helped America. You've helped the whole human race, and that's what matters most.