An offer from a man in need, dire need

The other day, I got an email from someone I had never met before, but whose offer was so compelling I just had to share it with all of you (all errors of English are his):

From: Yesar xxxxxx

To: xxxxxxxxx@gmail.com

Fri, Dec 29, 2006 at 5:22 PM

Reply-To: xxxxx_xxxxxxx@yahoo.com

Subject: Dear Friend

Dear friend,

As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is Yesar xxxxxx a merchant in the United Arab Emirate,UAE. I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live,according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for...

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give also to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in Africa Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of eighteen million dollars $18,000,000,00 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad .I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations. I have set aside 20% for you and for your time.

xxxxx_xxxxxxx@yahoo.com

God be with you.

Yesar xxxxxx

Needless to say, I was touched by the emotion expressed in Yesar's note and the unmistakable humanness of his plight. Further, I was attracted to the $3.6 million commission he offered (20% of $18 million) and the millions of Mounds Bars that money could buy.

At the same time, some of the things in Yesar's email where mightily suspicious. It's rare that you find such a wealthy man who can't spell or type or find a secretary to do either. Truly momentous, in fact. It is also unusual for such a large sum of money to be offered without any history of prior dealings or specific instructions for performance. Financial agreements of this size are usually accompanied by a lawyer, negotiations and lots of stress. Neither were attached to Yesar's email. Further, describing one's intense personal struggles, difficult family situation and battles with deadly diseases to a potential client is a little like telling your land lady about your love life: it won't reduce the rent.

Another peculiarity is Yesar's opening request, that I shouldn't “feel sorry” for him. How can I help but feel sorry for this poor man, rejected by the world and spurned by his family; a millionaire reduced to cyber-begging? Now I feel guilty for feeling sorry for him, which is probably the emotional complex that drove Yesar to his current situation. How dare he perpetuate a steady flow of human scum through this poorly disguised guilt trip?

Can you imagine the pain of Esophageal cancer? I think that's how Bogie went. Consider for a minute: The esophagus is between the mouth and stomach meaning food has to go on a sightseeing tour to get down the interstate. Talk about clearing your throat! And Yesar's claim that everyone will die someday is so sad; it reflects an obvious state of clinical depression and an abject rejection of the life impulse.

But you aren't feeling sorry for him, are you?

In the email, Yesar says he is going to give the money to charity to secure his eternal security. I am not sure how that works, but I sure wish I knew the name of that charity! He also says he will give to a charity in Africa Malaysia. Ever wonder what makes the Africa Malaysian charities more holy? For that matter, ever wonder where Africa Malaysia is?

My biggest reason for sharing this with you, the faithful FCN few, is so that you may consider accepting poor (but not sorry) Yesar's offer. We are just too busy right now to deal with an esophagul curmudgeon with family problems, but if you found his plea suitably pitiful or are interested in getting in on $3.4 million in hard cash, send us an email [funnyclassnotes [at] gmail [dot] com] and we'll get you connected with Yesar.