“What goes in, must come out.”

This note was posted from a laptop in a moving car by searching for wireless networks to hack along the freeway. The publish button was pushed during a blink of a connection. Enjoy.

There was some significant news from South Africa earlier this week, that you may have missed while watching replays of the Fiesta Bowl and studying statistics for your NFL playoff office pool (not that any of us partake of the illegal office pool joys; you know who you are). Anyway, here's the story, just in case:

An overweight woman who got stuck in a South African cave trapped 22 fellow tourists for more than 10 hours and had to be prised free with liquid paraffin.

The woman became trapped in the Tunnel of Love obstacle in the Cango Caves in Western Cape on New Year's Day.

The caves' manager said the woman had been warned she might not be suitable but she insisted on trying...

The rescue operation involved several ambulance teams and a helicopter...

The ordeal began when the woman became stuck just after noon on New Year's Day.

Mr Gerstner said the woman was “told at the ticket office that she was too big to take part in the specific section.”

He said she was again warned by the guide but that it was “very difficult to discriminate.”

Mr Gerstner said: “The obstacle has a narrow base. She lost her footing and went down in a splits position. There was no way she could get her body weight up.”

But he said she was young and remained mentally strong throughout and the other tourists took the ordeal “exceptionally well.”

The tourists, including two asthmatic children, were given blankets, water and chocolate bars as the rescue proceeded.

One rescuer was able to climb over the woman to deliver insulin to the diabetic.

No drilling equipment was needed and the woman was eventually freed with a pulley and paraffin used to grease the surface at about 2320...

Mr Gerstner said: “We believe what goes in, must come out again. People get stuck all the time - that's one of the unfortunate things that happen, it's part of the adventure.”

The article doesn't say how heavy she was.

We could be very mean right now and say some insensitive things about this woman and the way she put her adipose before the other tourists, but in light of the valiant courage she demonstrated in that cave (Who would want to do the splits for 10 straight hours? How many really heavy women would want to do the splits for 10 straight hours?) such humor seems out of place.

We would, however, like to ask a few general questions about the situation. If you, the faithful FCN few, can enlighten us in the comment section, we'd be obliged:

Can you picture a cave exit so small or a woman so large that no one can get through? Was the stoppage due to the physical impossibility of passage or the impropriety of an attempt? Why, with 10 people inside the cave, was a rescue crew required? How did the rescue crew get in? How is someone “prised free?” Will this woman ever go spelunking again? If so, who will she go with?

If you read this story and became worried about a similar situation ever happening to you, take heed; if you follow the following basic steps, you too can avoid corpulent blocks on your next outing or be so prepared as to be immune to their impact. Listen up boys and girls; this may come in handy the next time you have a fat woman corking the exit.

Whenever entering a high risk area (caves, hallways, closets, bathrooms, cars, etc) keep the following handy:

1. WD-40, to ease the fatso out.

2. A crowbar, to force the fatso out.

3. Trimspa pills, to allow the fatso to become all she ever envied and make her thin enough to get out.

4. A good book, to read while others get the fatso out.

Epilogue (a.k.a. the ending the article didn't mention): The fat tourist was an American. When she got back to the states, she called her lawyer and sued over the “physical and emotional trauma of the incident.” She named one defendant: the diabetic.