What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Pelosi Issues Coded Message During State of the Union

WASHINGTON DC (FCN) – In a speech that was largely a repeat of his seven previous State of the Union addresses, President George W. Bush (R-Texas) delivered his eighth and final speech on the condition of national affairs. The address, which was ignored by middle class America in favor of 2008 primary speculation and Super BowlTM hype, centered on the economic, military and celebrity qualms our nation currently finds itself in and came just short of endorsing Senator John McCain (R-Arizona) for President.

But the real story from the State of the Union speech came from the stiff-backed wooden chair situated above and a little to the left (audience POV) of the Commander In Chief. CongressWOman Nancy Pelosi (D-California) gave viewers at home a first class display of political maneuvering as she delivered a simultaneous Democratic response to the President’s words.

“To the untrained eye, it really looks as if her contact lens is irritating her or she forgot her morning Visine. It’s actually reminiscent of vintage Clinton falling asleep during an MLK speech, except she was blinking proactively,” explained former Democratic strategist and talking head George Stephanopoulos (D-DC) as he stood on a booster box to speak to America after the speech. "I can't believe we missed this, given how long it's been happening and how obvious the communication is," Stephanopoulos added doing his best Scott Hamilton voice.

Code specialist and former KGB counter-intelligence agent Vladimir Loginova gave some more clues in a phone interview after the address, saying “It’s a basic code, really. Dits and dahs; the same thing Samuel Morse came up with for the telegraph back in the 1840s. At first it looks like she has a mental problem and she is blinking to cover it, but a closer examination reveals a blink rate of about 100 blinks per minute (BPM). A 100 BPM rate doesn’t come without a purpose.”

Loginova got to work soon after the address, pouring over YouTube video and communicating with other ex-KGB agents about the blinking. He soon discovered that a long blink equals a “dah” and quick, flutter-like movements represent “dits.” Using this paradigm, Loginova decoded the following message:

"This seat is hard. Remind me to use a cushion next year. Tell Billary to start working on our economic smear campaign. Reuse the 2004 election plan of attack. Call the networks and try to get them to flash the death toll in Iraq right now. Again now. Can we have an amputee in studio for a ‘victim’s response?’ Cancer kid works, too. Have James Carville arrange it. The camera had better not be panning to Obama right now. Call Fox and threaten to dig up more dirt on O’Reilly if they don’t focus on Billary. Man, this seat is hard. You’d think we could smuggle sum kind of padding into these august chambers. Is this almost over? It reminds me of some of Clinton’s extended oratories. Have a couple aspirins waiting for me when I get down. Oh, and fire Mike; I need more minorities on my staff. Ok, finally.”
In his report, Loginova really got a kick out of Pelosi’s use of the term “august” but criticized her for blinking with both eyes simultaneously, a behavior which slowed down her rate of delivery by a factor of two.

Democratic analyst Al Franken (D-Mars) commented to CNN after the Democratic response that the coded message was probably intended for Maye Antonin, the congressWOman’s personal assistant and longtime associate. The reference to “Mike” was probably Micheal Smith, the only white male in the congressWOman’s inner circle.

Vice President Dick Cheney (R-Wyoming) barely blinked at all during the fifty minute address, leading some to wonder if he was even conscious during the speech. Then a wry scowl would cross the politicians features and the attendant EMTs would return to their state of heightened alert (Yellow on the VP heart risk scale).

A GOP insider has informed FCN that this election cycle’s VP pick will be a “speed blinker” who is better able to “compete” with speaker Pelosi during next year’s State of the Union.


Amë said...

THAT'S what I missed by listening to it on the radio!

Hank the Janitor said...

Haha. Oh man, did you guys really come up with that all on your own? If so, you are brilliant. That was great. Excellant work.

acxxhag said...

Well, I did not read it because it was too long. The only posts I ever read are Life Tips and Note to Self.

Jellyfish said...

It's all part of the conspiracy. What conspiracy you ask? I don't know, but someone does.

Amë said...

@ acxxhag: short attention span?

Nancy Pelosi said...

Lies! All lies! I should sue for libel, but since I consider your creative writing prowess a general asset to society, I will let this slide. Besides, when I run for president in 2012, I'd appreciate your support.

Nancy Pelosi

P.S. The chairs really were hard.