What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.


Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Guys' Guide to [Girls'] Cosmetics

Why do females spend so much time and energy trying to alter their natural features? Why do they mess up their innate looks with so much latex paint? We don’t know. But fear not brave men, for the FCN lab, although unable to answer the why, is researching the what! In the following report, the explanations of the various cosmetics and their uses will be revealed.


1. Blush

The name basically says it all - a powdery substance applied to the face to give the appearance that that the female has red cheeks. Why any girl would want to look like she is embarrassed is a question that has been unanswered by modern science. The lab promises more research.

2. Eye shadow

A dark shading applied around the eyes. This gives the appearance that the girl is very tired and lacking of sleep. More questions.

3. Mascara

We asked all the girls on the swim team why they wear mascara. Answers – 0. The only thing we can tell our fellow males about it is that is smears like crazy when wet. The difference between Mascara and eye shadow is puzzling as well.

4. Nail polish

A paint that is used for the coloring of nails. The shades can range from a light, natural pink to a puke-hued orange. Some girls even go so far as to paint their nails a rotten colored ebony. Why any female would want to have her nails the same black shade as they are before they fall off is currently unknown.

5. Lipstick

Colorful, shiny stuff applied to the lips. Another example of a widely used product with no apparent purpose. What’s with the sparkly anyway? I know we aren’t support to ask rhetorical questions, but this one was called for. Now they are making blue lipstick – the scientific results of the FCN lab determine that this is very scary!

Fellow men, although we may never understand why the girls go to such lengths for what appears frivolous to us, understanding the lady's daily activities gives us a greater appreciation of their perseverance.

I know, that really doesn't help us out much. If a female reader can supply the reasons behind these facial paints, we'd all be much obliged.

15 comments:

Arowen said...

It is interesting that I, a female, who wears none of the above should provide the answers for usage. However, I do speciallize in applying these things to other people so that they can look their best for the situation.

Blush-This is often overused, but is meant to provide a healthy color to the face.
Recomended color: a light pink, preferably something that complements your base.

Eyeshadow-This is used to make the eyes look bigger and as an attention grabber to that area of your face. Again, this is overused.
Recomended color: Something a bit lighter than your base. DO NOT use dark eyeshadow--it makes you look like you have been punched. Exceptions to this rule would be if you want to look like you're dead.

Mascara-Used to make the eyelashes look longer and prettier. And yes, it does smear terribly when wet. This is very hard to remove.

Lipstick-Another item that is overused. Many girls wear this in a bit too dark of a shade. I light red/dark pink is best.

Nailpolish-I have no use for this at all. It is nasty, increases the germ population on your hands and chips leaving your fingers quite ugly.

Sam said...

This lack of knowledge suprises me considering how much makeup the FCN staff uses...

Sam said...

Actually, come to think of it, the last time I saw the entire FCN staff, they'd just experienced a lynch attempt. Which would explain the red cheeks, black eyes, and grungy fingernails. My bad. ;-)

Vevy said...

They have waterproof mascara now. :D

--Evgenia-- said...

Cosmetics aren't there to be obvious. They're to enhance what's already there.
Eyeshadow may be overused, but eyeliner is the greatest thing since sliced bread. How else can one fake 8 hrs. of sleep after a late party?

As they say, "The wheel is a fine invention, but lipstick is genius".

Anonymous said...

The reason finger nail polish was invented so that after women were finished painting their faces with lipstick, mascara and eyeshadow, the fun didn't have to stop. They could continue painting their fingers and even their toes....

Figure it out... said...

Makeup (as impractical as it is) exists because:

1) A, minimally, multimillion dollar industry depends on it... (self-explanatory)

2) Society at least used to say that girls should do everything they can to not look like boys. We're supposed to have porcelain skin, rogued cheeks, and ruby lips. Some of us aren't naturally blessed with these and turn to a bottle.

3) Makeup actually protects skin. Foundation is an excellent sunscreen and moisture-protector. Most of the girls who go without in their youth look like prunes by age 50...

Overall, this post sounds like the speculation and joking of teenage guys without a sister to educate them...

;)

Figure it out... said...

Another reason...

The female psyche (or at least the psyche of the women I know) is enhanced by spending time on appearances. It doesn't really matter if the appearance is improved, but attempt makes a girl feel feminine and pampered. Don't ask. You'll never understand.

Hol said...

I wear makeup to prevent my face from eroding.

Anonymous said...

Make-up does NOT protect your face!

alygirl said...

LOL!!

I wear make-up because it's simply fun to put on!

Hol said...

"Make-up does NOT protect your face!"

I was joking. I'm sorry the humor got lost (humor sometimes runs away from me.)

I actually wear makeup so as not to frighten small children.

Anonymous said...

Hol, I was replying to figure it out's comment about looking like prunes when 50 comes round...Sorry, Oyi girl!

Anonymous said...

what really matters is that your man sees you without the make up and likes you anyways.
girls would be surprised how appealing the natural look can be to men...

Smurph said...

LOL. Rather interesting perspectives on this...
I don't wear makeup often. I don't wear blush, eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, or lipstick. I wear lip gloss sometimes... I knew one girl who, during a soccer game, had the muddy/wet ball fly past her face and almost graze it, and she freaked out: "Guys, you're going to smudge my makeup!!"
THAT is overkill. A soccer game? Come on.
And just for the record, I will *never* wear blush. My face is always red as it is, and it's rather annoying. But I can see why someone with pale skin would want it.