What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

PreFab Greeting Card

Guys can't write greeting cards. Whether the occasion is Christmas, a birthday or simply a “thank you for the dried rutabaga, it really made my day,” we males are completely inept at developing any kind of decent note. Maybe it's the testosterone that destroys our cheesy receptors and makes us send schlocky cards we regret moments after dropping them into the mailbox. Or maybe its that we never put in the time to learn how to send a happy notice. Or perhaps the ability to write greeting cards is repelled by the "Y" chromosome. Whatever the reason, the end result is that we can't formulate a decent card.

To remedy this, and meet the demand of a huge male market, Hallmark created a pre-inscribed gift card that could, for a low price, fulfill the social obligation to express gratitude or wish someone well around a holiday. All the male need do is inscribe his name below the pre-written greeting.

The problem is that the solution was too effective. Soon the market was flooded with all the cheap and canned comedy any half-decent (female) writer could dream up. Whole store shelves were devoted to the sorting out of these greeting cards and males were once again faced with the gargantuan task of picking the right pre-fab greeting card. I have heard horror stories that some males spent several hours perusing different cards looking for something suitable for the female in their lives only to give up at the last minute and spend twenty bucks on flowers.

Yes, ouch. I feel the pain, brother.

The problem has persisted for long enough. Our gender can only take so much persecution. As a collection of desperate males, we here at the FCN Lab have found a solution to the “Multitude of Greetings” dilemma.

FCN labs will create one, easy to use card that lays out all the possible greetings in one very compact message. The cover will be a gender, racially and seasonally non-specific Smiley face (not unlike the one Wal-Mart has hijacked) and will have no text:

Doesn't that just instill happy thoughts in you? A smiley face is a universal relaxant; it's almost an opiate, in fact.

Inside, preferably on some kind of scented paper, the card will list a myriad of appropriate greetings (see below). All we males need do is cross off any inapplicable message:


You are over the hill!

You still look as young as you did when you were __ (write in age here)

You only get better with age.

Happy Birthday, little one.

It's hard to believe you're really __ (write in age here)

Other (Not Suggested): _______________________


Merry Christmas!

Happy New Year!

Season's Greetings!

Happy Holidays!

Happy Hanukkah

Happy Kwanza

Happy Valentine's Day!

Other (Not Suggested): ________________________


Wish you were here.

Get well soon.

Thank you.

Happy Anniversary!

I miss you.

Personalized Message (Not Suggested)


There is even room for the adventurous male to strike out on his own and create a personalized message if he pleases. Keep in mind that the happiness of the receiver is not guaranteed when a personalized message is deployed.

If there is significant demand, we may sell our idea to Hallmark where a group of females can craft the message choices.


Anonymous said...


Lady A said...


Christopher Yerziklewski said...


Anonymous said...

The idea of a card is that it is personal it is something you took the time to write because you are thankful/happy.

Opinionated as ever said...

Prefab cards means that the giver cared enough to pay a dollar to meet their social obligation.

Handwritten notes mean that the author actually had to sit down and frame their sentiments into words. This is priceless.

Guess which one I prefer?

(-A proud supporter of letter-writing, the lost art)