If I Were A Fat Man

An FCN reader sent us the following rendition of the lyrics to Harnick and Bock's If I Were A Rich Man. If you are unfamiliar with the classic from Fiddler on the Roof, please listen to this audio clip before continuing.

Dear God, you made many, many slim people.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be slim.
But it's no great honor either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I had a small gut eh?"

If I were a fat man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd eat and eat and eat.
If I were a fatter man.
I'd look like a mountain.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy fat,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I'd build a big tall house to room my circumfrance,
Right in the middle of the town.
A fine tin roof with thick wooden floors below.
There would be one strong staircase just going up,
And one even stronger coming down,
And one great kitchen set up for my food.

I'd fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and geese and ducks
For me to roast and eat
And each loud "cheep" and "swaqwk" and "honk" and "quack"
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
As if to say "Here lives a fatty man."

If I were a fat man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd eat and eat and eat.
If I were a fatter man.
I'd look like a mountain.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy fat,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I see my wife, my Golde, looking like a fat man's wife
With a proper double-chin.
Supervising meals to her heart's delight.
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mood she's in.
Screaming at the servants, day and night.

The most important men in town would come to help feed me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like Ted Kennedy the Fat.
"If you please, Reb Tevye..."
"Which food, Reb Tevye..."
Posing problems that would cross a cook's eyes!
And it won't make one bit of difference if i answer right or wrong.
When you're fat, they think you really know!

If I were fat, I'd have the gut that I lack
To sit in the fast food place and eat.
And maybe have a booth in an In-N-Out.
And I'd discuss the cooking books with the learned men, several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I were a fat man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd eat and eat and eat.
If I were a fatter man.
I'd look like a mountain.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy fat,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.