Open Letter

Some of you were apparently distraught by yesterday's post which referenced the past in the future tense. We used the word "yesterday" to refer an event which happened the day before and today we will make the old record current. Got all that?

Some probably assumed, erroneously, that yesterday's use of "yesterday" was a mistake. You know what they say about assumptions. We were actually trying to point out a major flaw in the time space continuum and derive a semi-semantic conclusion about the ineptitude of the modern tongue. So, in reality, you were the ones who made a mistake. Makes you think twice about the English language doesn't it?

Well, how's that for an excuse? I think we're getting better at it.

Dear Matt Damon,

You rock. You have this knack for adding gravity to every role you play and transforming mediocre scripts into critically and popularly acclaimed masterpieces. Your face has this amorphous quality to it exudes manliness, sensitivity and art all at the same time. You are, without a doubt, one of the finest male leads ever to act in Hollywood and have proven your versatility with numerous roles. You are an A-list actor and one of the best on that list.

You – and this is going to get even more gushy than the first paragraph so skip down a few lines if you're the judging kind – make me swoon like no other man. I mean that in a purely man-man context; but you still make me swoon. Maybe swoon isn't the right word...

At the same time there is an ugly rumor – the kind of rumor that ruins the reputation of respectable junior high girls – that you will be abandoning your loyal fans; leaving us behind and ignoring our cinematic desires. I'm writing, of course, about the Bourne franchise and the recent announcement of two new movie adventures in planning...without you. Rumor has it you are leaving Robert Ludwig's creation behind and that, because you don't want to be typecast as an action hero, you are going to seek your fame and fortune elsewhere. You said as much in an promotion interview for your latest film, Ocean's Thirteen.

You, Matt, are the only person who can carry the role of Jason Bourne. I have followed the series since you were first introduced in Identity and completely associate you with the quick thinking former black operations officer. You define the role. Matt Damon and Jason Bourne are synonyms in my book. Your parents may just as well have named you for that role; had they known Ludwig, I would suspect the connection.

If you choose to move away from the Bourne franchise, you will join legions of down and out actors who left what worked to “try something different” only to be panned later on. Al Pacino could have stuck with successful movies like Godfather, but he decided to seek himself in overacted critical flops like Simone. Halle Berry had a great career ahead of her before she settled for Catwoman. Even Robin Williams, the genius behind Mrs. Doubtfire, had to let it all go to star in stupid comedies like the one in theaters now. William's only recent good movie was Good Will Hunting, which, coincidentally, was a movie you wrote and starred in.

Can't you read the tea leaves?

Please say that your comments were a publicity move to direct the media to your current project. Please deny the rumors and say you will never forsake your loyal fans. Please don't abandon us. Please make another movie so I can get of my knees and stop my crazy Bourne vigils. Please, Matt?

Respectfully,

Funny Class Notes