What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Baby Showers: The Bane of Single Women

If you are reading this and you're a man, be grateful, because that means you will never have to go to a baby shower! I think to most men, baby showers are mysterious events and they secretly wish they could someday attend one. But showers are really quite simple and not that much fun.

The concept is similar to that of a birthday party - bring a present and eat food. But the atmosphere is much different. For the young, unmarried lady, baby showers can often be torturous.

For the first half-hour or so while the guests arrive, everyone will sit around and just chat, subtly - and sometimes not-so-subtly - inquiring into the romantic lives of the unmarrieds. Regardless of whether or not the young lady's state of singleness is by choice or necessity, she will be the object of pity and advice will come flowing in so that she, too, can one day be in the same happy, 8-months-pregnant condition of the guest of honor.

After the greetings are dispensed with, food eaten, and more advice given, it is finally time to open the presents. At last, the single young lady thinks, I will be left in peace.

But she finds no relief during this activity, either. As the expectant mother unwraps gift after gift, the other mothers in the group will ooh and aah, exclaiming over the usefulness of each gift.

"Boppys are the greatest! You can use them to prop up the baby while nursing or while sitting on the floor and a bunch of other stuff!"

"I love my Diaper Genie! My nursery used to reek from all the dirty diapers, but the Genie totally hides the smells!"

"A Hooter Hider! That thing is awesome! I wish it had been around for my first 3 kids, but for the last one it was great. I could totally nurse anywhere in public and no one could complain."

"Diapers...yeah, you'll be using a lot of them!"

"Awww, what a cute onesie! You'll definitely need a lot of those! Between spit-up and the rest, they get dirty all the time!"

"A baby booger sucker! You're going to want one of those with you all the time. It works great on adults, too!"

By this time the young ladies in the group will have a look of horror on their faces. TMI, people, TMI! The variety of presents and accompanying comments is enough to make anyone uninitiated in the ways of motherhood lose her breakfast.

Typically, present opening will be followed by a mediocre chocolate-with-raspberry-filling cake. The kind hostess will serve each of the single ladies a particularly small piece. After all, they're not eating for two and must maintain their figure if they're ever to get married!


Kat said...

Which is exactly why I've only been to one in my life. o.O

Anonymous said...

Wedding showers would be worse I think.....

Natalie said...

Oh my...that was hilarious! I've never had a problem going to baby showers; as anonymous said, I think wedding showers would be MUCH worse.

There is the TMI issue...but I'm a nanny, so I'm pretty familiar with all that stuff anyway. :D

But after reading the last paragraph I totally lost it! :D Awesome...simply awesome.

Rachel said...

LOL! I agree! awesomely funny! "TMI, people, TMI!" LOL!

Gillian said...

Wedding showers are infinitely worse. I can appreciate the idea of a baby, sort of abstractedly, but watching someone else be radiantly happily engaged is sometimes excruciating.

This was hilarious, by the way :D

Jare and Lib said...

Wedding showers are MUCH worse by the way-I know this for a fact. I was like 10-11, a very tender age I might add. And my dear mother put me in charge of giving the gifts to the would-be-bride (I think she was just giving me something to do). But no one told me that the presents Under the table were ones the moms had set aside so us little girls could watch, there plan was that we would go the another room while the girl of honor would open what they consider the honeymoon gifts (*shudder*)
Poor me (and another girl) when we started giving them to her, she opened one and all the moms in the room (not just our moms I might add) quickly told us it was time for us to leave(in strained, high voices).

Baby showers I can handle, it just gets boring after the 5th box of diapers and the 100th “Cutes’ in the Whole World!” out-fit.

Great Post