What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.


Thursday, January 24, 2008

Three on One with Dennis Kucinich

There is a common misconception that the race for the Democratic nomination is down to two candidates: The man trapped in the body of a woman and the white man in a black man's body. A large chorus of dissenting voices contradicts this claim, however. Candidates like the son of the mill worker with the really slick hair and awesome veneers and the guy who's name everybody forgets (for good reason) are all very much in this race. In fact, FCN has yet to come to a firm decision on who we support for a four year term in the world's most famous parsonage.

Here at FCN, we decided to systematize our search for a presidential candidate. We got a stack of paper and brainstormed the names of every presidential candidate we could think of. We wrote and wrote until our pencils broke like characters in a Dr. Suess book. A sample of our brain storm has been declassified below. This is one of twenty-three sheets we filled (click to enlarge):

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We never erased. Except once when C wrote down Katie Holmes and it simply had to be wiped away. When we were finished our page was home to names like George Clooney, Madonna, and Nancy Pelosi. But nowhere was there mention of Dennis Kucinich. In fact, it was only after this charming fellow was mentioned in a very positive light by an FCN reader that we started paying him any mind.

We decided to pay Mr. Kucinich a visit.

The FCN team made a special bus ride out to a small but heavily urbanized town in southern Ohio. After an adventure with mapquest and an elderly lady who took the risk of picking up three hitchhikers, we were able to locate the environmentally efficient offices of Dennis Kucinich.


The parking lot was filled with bicycles, hybrid Priuses and electrical chargers and surrounded an ergonomically shaped building that was all glass except for some black solar panels on the roof. A windmill was stationed at each corner of the complex and rotated slowly in the muggy breeze.

We walked up to a receptionist whose hair looked drier than a frog in a salt flat and asked for an interview with the Presidential candidate. When she found out we didn't have an appointment (Greyhound's timetable was too imprecise to justify calling ahead) she refused. We begged, telling her that we'd taken a diesel bus all the way from California. She looked horrified and maintained her staunch "no" answer. Only when we mentioned that our blog readership includes as many as eleven readers on a good day did she finally relent and reward our entreaties with an audience.

//Begin Transcript


FCN: This is a really cozy office. I like the wallpaper.


DENNIS KUCINICH: You like that, do you? It's made entirely from recycled human waste and unhomoginzed soybean oil. The oil's for color, but it spreads really well and it doesn't kill trees. You know you can kill a whole tree by wallpapering an entire house? Think of how many forests we destroy by wallpapering a community's worth of homes.

FCN: What kind of environmental costs were entailed in the creation of this office?

DK: You boys don't waste any time, do you? I admit that building this complex hurt the environment and if we refused to compromise with the capitalists, we would be running our campaign out of a paper hut or a cave somewhere. But here's the way I see it: If I win - when I win, right Peggy?

PEGGY: Whatever you say.

DK: Peggy is my, well, what should I call you? [Chuckles] She is my confidence counselor. But where was I? Yes, when I am elected President, I will enact policies that will more than make up for the extravagance of this office. Also, I've been ensured by a handful of this nation's most highly respected energy engineers that this building will become a net energy contributor by the year 2040. So, with lifespans shortened by global warming, this is an asset your great grandkids will enjoy.

FCN: So you lost in Iowa, lost in New Hampshire, lost in Nevada. Why are you still running?


DK: I actually didn't lose in New Hampshire. I have issued a petition in New Hampshire to have a recount due to unexplained irregularities in that election. Although my campaign has yet to take an official position, I strongly suggest that Hillary might have been fixing the outcome. I mean, that would explain her come-from-behind victory. The evidence I have is as credible as it is serious and my request for a recount has nothing to do with my having a personal vendetta against any of the candidates, I just want to see that 100% of votes get counted 100% of the time. And that ballots are cast on recycled paper.

FCN: That's great. You were recently seen protesting at a U.S. Army training school. Do you respect the sacrifices of the American soldier?

DK: That's a divisive issue phrased as a right wing trap. You boys need to update your reading material. This school has been fostering human rights abuses in Latin...

FCN: Wasn't it training soldiers for action...

DK: ...America. My protest is a rejection of war as a foreign policy tool. One of my first actions as President would be ...

PEGGY: Will be.

DK: Will be, thanks Peggy - to shut down this school and most of its kind. The only thing soldiers today really do is wreck the environment and we get enough of that with industry to have to subsidize it overseas.

FCN: How do you plan to protect our nation militarily?

DK: For Californians you sure don't understand this stuff. The only way to have peace is to make peace.

FCN: What if someone makes war? What about the existing war on terror?

DK: Uh-oh, Peggy! Pessimists! [Chuckles] You guys should really read Peggy's book Loving the Unreal World; Motivational thoughts and principles for today's stressed mind. The receptionist will set you up with a copy on your way out. Speaking of which, we need to get out of Iraq and, well, everywhere our military is stationed. Fort Bragg for instance. The closer leash we keep on our servicemen the less they can damage our environment.

FCN: Would you say that protection of the environment is your biggest political issue?


DK: Absolutely. That or global warming, industrial pollution or oil spills. I also care a lot about deforestation and animal rights. Speaking of which, I need to cut this short. I have an dinner with PETA to attend. We are celebrating the incarceration of Michael Vick. You'll excuse me?

//End Transcript.


During the long bus ride home, we talked among ourselves about how Kucinich matches up against the other candidates we've interviewed. We also read Peggy's book (the last chapter of which had detailed instructions on how to roll a joint) and decided that having a confidence counselor is a point against one's candidacy. On the issues, Kucinich came across as a real winner. His demeanor was sincere and his manner thought provoking. We found ourselves impatient for the year 2040 when Kucinich's investment would begin repaying environmental dividends.

But the interview failed to earn Kucinich our endorsement. Although we can't put our collective fingers on the exact issue that dissuaded us - the smelly wallpaper, Peggy's freaky smile or the thought that Katie Holmes might actually be a viable candidate in comparison with Kucinich - we were not confident enough in the Ohio representative to give him our unreserved endorsement.

Oh well.

2 comments:

Amë said...

Yay! The page loads a LOT quicker now. Thanks, guys!

Sam said...

y'all need to sit down with my homedawg tommy lee jones.

Jones/OJ '08