Three on One with Barack Obama

In our continuing quest to understand the American political process and find a candidate that is both appealing and acceptable to our discerning political palate, the FCN team placed a phone call to Barack Hussein Obama's presidential campaign office and asked for a teleconference with the Illinois Senator. The campaign refused to offer us an audience unless our interview team included at least one minority. We lied about our ethnic heritage (N pretended to be a Jamaican bobsledder) and got through to Mr. Hussein Obama with relative ease.

//Begin Transcript

Barack Hussein Obama: This is Barack Hussein Obama speaking.

FCN: Mr. Hussein Obama, thank you sincerely for agreeing to this interview. We write for a humor and satire blog and are looking at various major presidential candidates in the hope of finding a suitable prospect for endorsement. If you don't mind, we have a few questions about your political stance...

BHO: That's a great idea, kids. You know, most youth in this great land fail to grasp the opportunities that are set before them; economic or political. I took those opportunities when I was young. I started out as the the ghetto black loser and through education, refinement and law school have shed that hip past and become a white person in a black man's body. I'm really glad to hear how you have done that. The Jamaican writer you have, for instance, he sounds pretty white. I like that.

FCN: And you've made that transformation very well, Mr. Obama. That transitions very well into our next question about minority rights. You are a strong advocate of equality as a Senator, how do you see that advocacy continuing as President?

BHO: I really don't. My big thing in the Oval Office is health care. Ask me about health care.

FCN: OK. What about health care?

BHO: I have a plan that would give low cost, affordable, inexpensive and cheap health care to every American and most foreigners, too. It really wouldn't matter what you want sucked out or puffed up or cleaned; my plan finds the doctor to fix it. I think it is wrong to have to pay for health services. Morally wrong. We shouldn't let people starve, nor should we let them get sick. That's why my plan includes the distribution of blankets to the homeless along with sanitary drug paraphernalia. That's a moral determination, not an economic one.

FCN: It all sounds so perfect; so grand.

BHO: It is. Under my presidency, all the oppressed, downtrodden, entitled and underprivileged would suffer no more. I like the ring of that. Go ahead and include that in your article, if you would please. Hang on a second, gentlemen. [BACKGROUND] Janice? Add that line to my Iowa stump, would you?

FCN: Who is your biggest role model?

BHO: Michael Jackson. White people in general.

FCN: Oh, MJ. Excellent. He really moves well for a 40 something.

BHO: Indeed he does. Ask me about my education policy..

FCN: OK, what about your education policy?

BHO: [Chuckles] So glad you asked. [Chuckles again, louder this time] Schooling is just way too expensive. Education is the solution to all the world's problems. AIDS, war, the Republican Party. You name the ill, education is the solution. There are brothers - wait. Do white people use the term brothers? [BACKGROUND] Janice? [A MOMENT LATER] A large portion of this great land's minority community never gets a proper education. From the time they can crawl until the moment they die, people should be learning. A lot of that learning should happen in government funded schools. And it should all be free. I'll do that under my Presidency. I guarantee it, as sure as the White Sox won the series last year.

FCN: Which is, we assume, pretty well assured.

BHO: Indeed it is. Well, gentleman, I have Howard Dean waiting just outside. He wants to coordinate my rhetoric with some local politicians. Thanks for taking the interview. I trust I can rely on your vote come the primary?

FCN: We'll let you know on that, Senator. Thanks to you, too. Say hi to the former Governor for us.

//End Transcript

After we replaced the phone in its cradle, the three of us sat around the table for several solid minutes and said nothing. Barack Obama's interview was not only profound, it was a clear clincher. No other candidate had offered such a clear mandate for making life easier for derelicts like us. No other candidate had promised free education and health care without threatening to take away our cars. No other candidate had presented such a clear mandate and vision for our nation. We like this Obama fellow...