What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Study: Xbox 360 Fries Users' Brains

PHILADELPHIA, PA – A new study by the National Association of Really Concerned Moms and the Scientists Who Back Up Their Claims (NARCMSWBUTC) says playing Microsoft's latest game console may actually inhibit brain functionality. The study, titled Functional Undertaking for Brain Understanding (FUBU), measured mental activity in over 1,000 teenagers and found that those who play more than an hour a week of Xbox 360 have a measurably lower Intelligence Quotient.

"It's actually quite stunning," said Neil Wormer, the study Chair and staff writer for Junk Science, at a press conference in front of a small collection of obviously stressed mothers. "We were able to find evidence that not only correlated Xbox 360 use to brain decay, but actually linked the two."

Researchers had 1,081 students wear brain activity monitors while playing the console and required weekly IQ tests to measure their progression. The volunteers also filled out periodic surveys and had a complete physical before and after the experiment.

"By breaking up the group into different playing times, we were able to correlate time spent with the console to the disadvantages addressed in the study," said FUBU data analyst Morgan Ponty. "There is no doubt that the more you play, the dumber."

Rodney Sisters and Peggy LaRoue have become poster children for Xbox-induced low IQ. Both of them have signed hefty contracts with NARCMSWBUTC to do television and radio ads decrying the mental dangers of static entertainment. In a conference telephone conversation with the FCN staff, they answered our questions with earnest monosyllables. From what we were able to gather, they sincerely regret the combined thirteen years they have spent playing video games, but are also really excited about the financial opportunities generated by their decrepit mental states.

"Take some of the stuff you guys write: Before 360, your writing was really dry; now man, it's hilarious!" Sisters said when he finally understood who FCN was, putting together his only complete sentence in the entire interview.

Sisters and LaRoue's agent sent us a webpage picturing the two spokespersons as fatter version of Napoleon Dynamite and a young Janet Reno clone. Both are holding a facial expression that can only be described as vacant and a caption below the picture says: "Don't be like us; turn it off." During our interview, LaRoue took credit for the line.

But not everyone is so sure about the study results. Chad Flute of EA Sports is skeptical of the results. "I'll bet [NARCMSWBUTC] couldn't make heads or tails of the results so they shook their tails," he told FCN. "These data could be interpreted any which way, and they have. To blindly assume that FUBU is right is foolhardy; I'm sure my office will have a study out in a few months proving the opposite is true."

"I actually think that the whole experience balances out," argues Microsoft hardware developer Randy Ewberg. "Sure, you get a little brain cell deterioration, but your hand eye coordination improves drastically, your fight skills go through the roof and you can actually burn calories and stay in shape by depressing the thumb controls."

NARCMSWBUTC, meanwhile, has another project up its sleeve. "Functional Undertaking for Brain And Reasoning" or FUBAR will tackle iPod ear buds. "I can only imagine the kind of deaf poster kids we'll be digging up for that study," said Wormer.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Now whose side are you on?