What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Todd's Double Entendre #1

Todd wakes up and performs the bread and butter functions of his morning routine (shower, shave and shine). Todd gets dressed in a nice suit, knowing he has a meeting with the big cheese at work. Todd's knows his boss likes to keep his finger in the pie and he doesn't want to risk upsetting the applecart. Meetings are not Todd's cup of tea and he was never very good at polishing the apple with his boss.

Downstairs, Todd grabs a fruitbar from a stash he has salted away and hurries to his car. The drive to work is slow and a traffic reporter on the radio spills the beans on an accident up the road. Some nut in a souped up truck lost control while doing something stupid. Fruitcake. Bad egg.

Todd is barely at the office ten minutes before his boss's secretary invites him into the main office. Todd sits down in one of the office's plush chairs and thinks again that his job is a gravy train. Very cushy.

His boss hasn't arrived yet, so Todd gets up to look at the family pictures on the office bookcase. One photo, positioned prominently among the rest, shows a smiling young girl with pony tails.

"Pretty, isn't she?" Todd's boss leans against the wall and smiles, adding: "She's the apple of my eye."

Todd returns to his plush chair and asks his boss how he can be of service.

"You're sure full of beans this morning," the boss says by way of humor. Seeing Todd's less than amused reaction, he adds: "Not to egg you on, or anything. I just think our approach to this new project should be as cool as a cucumber."

Inside, Todd is ecstatic. He got picked to head up the new project! And after Jack, a coworker, said he was getting the position, too. Todd knew he would make Jack eat crow. That couch potato! Jack was probably hitting the sauce right now instead of doing his job. Time for some humble pie, you conniving deceiver.

Todd makes a mental note to take a grain of salt with everything Jack says in the future.

"Our product is selling like hotcakes right now and we're getting our profits handed to us on a silver platter. Unfortunately, the market looks to be changing and unless we respond we'll have egg in our face. I know you're worth your salt, Todd, but this project is going to be a tough nut to crack. We are going to need you to put everything you have, the whole enchilada, on this and really bring home the bacon for the firm. You're the cream of the crop, but if you don't cut the cake, we'll drop you like a hot potato." The boss's short speech is delivered in an authoritative voice and Todd gets the meaning loud and clear.

"Piece of cake," Todd answer is delivered with a confident smile.

"Please don't make me make you eat those words." The boss stands up. The meeting is over.

After the meeting, Todd avoids the temptation to egg Jack on about his lie and instead lets his coworker stew in his own juices. Todd isn't happy with how he's handled Jack so far, but with the new project to worry about, he is in no position to cry over spilt milk.


my head is spinning said...

good grief! lol. how long did it take you guys to come up with all that?

Ally Pie said...

You should warn people who are on a diet not to read this post...

Anonymous said...

brain freeze!

Kezzie said...

ROFL!! I didn't take the time to actually read it this morning, but now that I actually paid attention to what I was reading, it's so funny!

Savannah said...

I translated this to French, then to dutch, and then back to english.

Here you go.:

Todd awake and carry out the functions of bread and the butter of its rut of morning (shower, shaves and brilliance). Todd obtain dressed in a nice costume, which has he a meeting with large cheese at the work weet. Todd weet that its employer gladly wants maintain its finger in the pie in crust and he not applecart want run bring the danger in the war. The meetings are not the cup of Todd of tea and was never very well the apple with its employer polish. In lower parts, a fruit bar of a shelter that he seizes Todd far has salted and to its car transmitted rapidly. The order to work is slowly and a journalist of the trade on goes to the bathroom of radio the broad beans on an accident up of the way. Certain écrou in have souped up of the order which is lost by lorry, a lot by doing something of stupidly. Cake of dry fruit. Bad egg. Todd are hardly to the office ten minutes before the secretary of its employer invites it in the head office. Assied Todd down in of peluche of the office chair and believe themselves still that is work a train of sauce to the juice is. Very pépe. Its employer has not still arrived, thus Todd levy themselves on to look at the pictures of family on the library of office. A photograph, which is placed in klaarblijkelijkheid under the rest, shows a young little girl to smile with tails of poney. "enough, she is not?" The employer of Todd bends forward himself against the wall and smile, which recovers,: "she is prunelle of my eye." Todd return to its chair of peluche and ask to its employer how it can be useful. "you are certainly complete make employer called of the broad beans vanochtend," by mood. See the response less than amused of Todd, he adds: not to the egg you, or to no matter what. I believe exactly that our approach to this new project also verse would have be as a cucumber. The interior, Todd are enthusiastic. He has selected obtained to lead itself up of the new project! And after jacket, a colleague, called he obtained the position, also. Todd have blamed that he would put jacket to to eat the crow. This potato of couch! Jacket probably found the sauce at present instead of doing its work. Since hour for a certain pie in records crust, you in complicity is misleading. Todd do a mental take note to a grain of salt with each jacket called in the future. our product is sold such as hotcakes at present and we our profits obtain which are handed over on a silver-plated booklet. Unfortunately the market looks at changing and unless we answer we will take the egg in our face. I weet that you in value your salt is, Todd, but this project écrou will be hard for fendre. We go you necessary have to and all put that have to you, whole enchilada, on this to your home adress introduce the bacon for the society really. You are the cream of the harvest, but if you do not cut the cake, we you will let falls love a warm potato. The speech court of the employer is provided in a very founded voice and Todd obtains the strong and clear meaning. "the piece of cake," the answer of Todd is provided with smiles which entrusts. "svp do not put me to to exhort itself to with these words." The employer stands up. The meeting more of. After the meeting, Todd avoid the seduction to the egg jacket on approximately its lie and let to the place its colleague in its own juices cook. Todd are not happy with the way in which he is jacket so far used, but with the new project worried to make for, he in absolutely no position milk more of has been reversed cry.

Christopher Yerziklewski said...

Wow. You guys seem to still have to much time on your hands. That or you are utterly brilliant.

Da Cheat said...

They just have too much time on their hands, Chris.

Anonymous said...

Wow truly amazing! Keep it up!

Matthew said...

That is absolutely the best post I've read on here in just about forever - and one of the cleverest things I've read, period. Thanks for the fun.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I've been reading this blog for a while without commenting, but this was too hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. This and "Gazing at a Piece of Meat" have to be my favourites.

P.S. Found you on the Rebelution.