The other day I went to the drug store to pick up some hair gel. You know, the stuff that causes your hair to appear wet even hours after it dries and can, if applied liberally enough, make the user look like a used car salesman. Well, I got to the hair care section after a few minor disruptions (you wouldn’t believe the monstrosities you have to walk past to get to the hair gel) and began sniffing out a deal.
If you have never been through the hair gel aisle before, understand that the process of searching for a product that is both sticky and cheap is fairly complex. Many providers have inexpensive imitations that flake away within minutes of application and make the user’s head look like dead grass patch. As a contentious male, I avoid these brands.
In order to let consumers escape these rip-offs, the industry has come together to create a set of objective criteria for determining hair gel strength. Each bottle has, in a clearly identifiable marking (black lettering on a white background, 12 point font, English and Spanish, etc) a number from 1-10 (the index was originally 1-5 but has since been expanded to make for better accuracy). Some brands call this hierarchy the “Strength Level” or “Power Ranking,” others just label it clearly as the “Industry Standard Hair Gel Viscosity Determiner.” Whatever the name, a gel shopper knows his number and tries to align price with power.
My number is 10. When I first started using gel, I experimented with lower numbers, but I soon found these to be terribly lacking in fortitude. After several embarrassing incidents surrounding Level 8 hair gel, I moved up.
I am beginning to get the feeling that gel companies know we consumers tie level with quality. As I perused the aisle yesterday I noted something for the very first time: Gel No. 11. The industry standard allows for no such product strength, but somehow an outlier (Ronald's Sticky Hair Stuff) was able to deliver the stronger gel anyway. Intrigued, I read the back of the bottle. The product was not imported (made in Hydrectemy Maryland, a city as fun to live in as it is to say. I think we may have a reader from that town). In fact the bottle had been approved by the USDA for consumption (I think they meant hair use). Somehow, using probably illegal and definitely unethical tactics, the company was able to make a stronger hair gel.
Needless to say, I purchased the number 11.
Yesterday I applied it for the first time…and it flaked off within an hour. This stuff is a complete scam! Less powerful then even the level 8 product I started with! I can’t return the bottle because there is a small paragraph of fine print hidden beneath the barcode that says “Industry Standard Hair Gel Viscosity Determiner Level 5.” In fine print beneath the 11 the bottle ads an addendum that its measure is out of twenty.
I'd been had.
As I got into my car this morning to file an official complaint with the drug store, I looked down at the gear shift and noticed something I had never seen before. My car has seven gears. It really doesn't need seven gears, but it has that many anyway. Unconcerned, I started the vehicle and drove the ten minutes to the drug store. Along the way I passed signs for a Grande Combo at Taco Bell (now with 7 more tacos than the Surgeon General advises), an ad for a computer with 3 terabytes of storage (sold for less then my current machine), a sign for McDonald's double happy meal now with supersized sodium and a dog with five legs.
Only slightly fazed, I parked between a couple of monster trucks that obvious consumed more gas per mile then my economy car did in a week and marched dutifully into the store. It took a while to find the hair care section (I got stuck in the perfume aisle, comparing Chanel No. 6, 110% Love and Rose 35), but when I did a shock was waiting for me. A new kind of hair gel was being sold right next to the Level 11 stuff I had purchased earlier. And this new bottle claimed to be Level 23.
I grabbed the bottle and ran to a customer service assistant who couldn't have been more then 90.
“This is a lie,” I said, exasperated.
The woman's face wrinkled into a smile and she shook her head gently. “No, sonny, that's the way it works.” She began to explain that marketing is like inflation, the value of a product doesn't really change but the numbers that describe it are always increased to give consumers the perception that they were getting more for their money.
She told me that she sang in a choir and was startled one day to see three “f”s on a musical score (double forte is supposed to be the limit). When she asked the conductor about the change he informed her that he wasn't happy with the volume he was getting and wanted to make the performance louder. The clerk was satisfied with this answer until she turned the page in her music and noticed that the three “f”s were followed by the word “EXTREME!” and the next page had the word “Blast” followed by some spittle marks.
“I told the conductor that 'extreme' is not an Italian word and that 'blast' and spittle don't give any musical direction, but he didn't seem to care anymore. He was happy with his volume.” The clerk, whose nametag read Shirley, gave me a sympathetic grin and sighed. “That's just the way things work these days. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
“No, I think I'm alright.” Just then, the words of a Johnny Nash song from the 1970s flashed through my mind and I felt enlightened. Of course! How could I have missed what was so clearly in front of me? Level 23 gel was better, Chanel six was an improvement on 5, cars do need 7 gears and the Surgeon General is wrong about tacos.
I smiled at the clerk and placed the hair gel on the conveyor belt, ready to purchase the stronger product. Shirley shook her head sadly, removed her nametag and pointed to the clock. It was the end of her shift. Then she walked outside and drove away in her monster truck, leaving me with an inexpensive bottle of Level 23 gel.
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