NASA to Dump Billions into Space

WASHINGTON DC -- The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) is preparing a plan to send three billion dollars in hard currency into space. Using a couple of spare booster rockets and some jet fuel, the space exploration organization wants to send up the money in denominations of $10 and $20 to see how the paper reacts to a low gravity environment.

“We think it might show us new things about ourselves and the planet on which we live,” explained NASA Administrator, Micheal D. Griffin. “By scattering greenbacks in lower earth orbit, we could make any number of beneficial discoveries from improved counterfeit controls to ozone layer protection.”

$3 billion represents more than 15% of NASA's annual budget, but that hardly phases Griffin. “It's for a good cause,” he intones, adding that as long as the shuttle fleet is taking its time becoming obsolete, the space agency needs to have some place to put its money. “Congress is perpetually willing to increase our budget if we feel we need more funds and another appropriation is likely just around the corner; this money isn't lost.”

Griffin is not the only space explorer happy about the money dump. Richard B. Virgin, an entrepreneur from the Silicon Valley in California and founder of SpaceTwo, a shuttle fleet that already has endorsements from Wal-Mart, Starbucks and Honey Oats, sees a great business opportunity. Virgin has a plan to send “resource harvesters” into low earth orbit to harvest NASA's “donation;” he feels that as long as he launches before any competition has a chance to clean out the “stash,” he will make a good profit.

Nigeria's Science and Technology Minister Turner Isoun wants to beat Virgin to the chase, using his country's new shuttle technology. “This is a great thing for America to do for the impoverished people of Nigeria,” Isoun said in a written statement. “It is so much better for us than public and private food aid, debt relief, infrastructure assistance, medical aid, golden rice drops or any of the other many things America has given us over the decades. I only hope we get there before those evil capitalists do.”

NASA, meanwhile, is concerned that treasure hunters may ruin the experiment. “The idea is to see how much money we can pump into the solar system,” said NASA's Deputy Administrator Shana Dale. “If private enterprise is removing it just as quickly, it kind of defeats the purpose.”

Not every proponent of the dump has scientific motives. Ziggy Lennon, a space rights activist from Eugene Oregon who cultivates his organic hair to waist length, wants to use the funds to appease aliens. We caught up with Lennon for a sit down interview where he told us, between puffs of a brown leafy substance that did not smell like tobacco, that “if we are going to be attacked, and all the signs say we will, we should try to buy off their weaker members. NASA's decision is exactly what we need. I've waited all my life to see this money go up. A great defense posture.”

NASA is making final inspections on the rockets and launch pad to ensure that there are no malfunctions on takeoff. Said Griffin with the kind of seriousness only a NASA Administrator can muster, “we wouldn't want that much money to go to waste.”