What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.


Thursday, April 12, 2007

Peacock Courtship

America’s dating scene needs a serious overhaul. Most of us have or know people who have experienced the rigors of the casual date. And even if we haven’t, we’ve seen enough Lindsay Lohan movies to know what a mess it is. It’s borderline disgusting; there’s the first awkward meeting, the first date, the second date and then the painful, emotionally scarring breakup.

There are, of course, variations on this theme – sometimes the relationship makes it to a third date and sometimes the breakup scars more than just the psyche – but most dating relationships follow this general trend.

Quite frankly, I am tired of it. If you’ve read the accounts of my terrible love life on these pages then you can understand my abject aversion to the status quo. I want better and, after deep reflection and 8.3 fluid ounces of sugar-free Red Bull, I think I know better.

As you undoubtedly know, the wild world of nature is full of object lessons that, if we pay attention and interpret correctly, can help us defeat life’s dragons. Maybe you’ve read the Character Sketches book (a gold-mine of meaningful analogies) or just took the time to ponder the orderliness of the beaver.

Whatever your experience with nature, you no doubt believe that many life lessons are true for all life forms.

Even if you don’t, keep reading, because here is my plan for pain-free courtship:

I am going to wait, not until I am ready to date or move a serious friendship toward something more serious, but wait until I am ready for marriage. It will take patience, but the Grisly Bear has to be patient through a long winter. If the Grisly can do it, I can do it.

Then, when I am physically, emotionally, financially and psychologically ready to go before the alter, I will strut around with large feathery peacock plumes (not unlike the aristocrats of Moliere), stretching them out as wide as possible and making high pitched throaty noises.

“Guffaaaaaaaw! Chuffaaaaaaaaw! Eeeeeee! Eeeeeee!”

I will move, thus encumbered and screeching, through town and in any public place where an eligible female might notice. Like the male peacock, I will not back down, even if another feathered male or a police officer makes a competitive gesture. If my first day of crooning doesn’t work, I will continue the mating ritual with more feathers and louder guffawing.

“Guffaaaaaaaaaaaw! Chuffaaaaaaaaaaaaw! Eeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeee!”

Using only these mating cries, and the strong appearance of a feathered male body, I will attract a mate. When she comes, wearing feathers of her own to signify her attraction and acceptance of my offer, we will meet and screech together for a few minutes to ensure that we have really found “The One.”

Then we will run off together to go see a preacher.

The more I ponder this plan the more I am taken with its brilliance. How many women can say no to an eligible bachelor screeching in the middle of the square? I’d be the Knight in Shining Peacock Feathers, the Prince Peacock, the Perfect Peacock. Instinct and love would replace the professional dumping and emotionally scarring dating experience of today.

Laugh now my fellow men, but we’ll see who is clucking when I have a gorgeous young woman on my arm.

9 comments:

Jacqui said...

*dies laughing*
(btw--did your mom torture you with those character booklets, too? i thought i was the only one...)

the guthmiller chick said...

Please, don't emulate the praying mantis!!

adrialien said...

ROFL! That was too funny. Good luck gettin' a girl!

A City in Germany said...

That is funny....

If you actually get the huge, twenty pound books that the booklets come from, its even more fun. You may want to be aware that some girls may throw said booklets at you.

Anyways, I think you need to wait a bit before implementing the last part of your plan...I don't think you'll be ready for a while.

Allison said...

What is it with Cody and Lindsey Lohan?

Really, you need to work on your analogies and examples- one can only "milk both ends of the cow" so much...

:D

Mrs. G said...

At the risk of sounding matronly, I am pleased with your announcement to wait until the time of marriage to "strut your stuff." There are many people out there that will reject this mindset, as seen by the above responses, but fail to understand the true intentions of the chaste. (This is more than just a character issue, ladies.) Be assured that there ARE lady peacocks cautiously saving their plummage for such a display. We may have to work on your form, though.........

Rachael said...

Hey come on down to P-ville I will be caught! ;)

Anonymous said...

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Daniel F. said...

Your slightly nuts but, your plan just might work!(to some extent!)