What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Signs of Outward Success

We know that real beauty is found on the inside and that no matter how wealthy or outwardly successful someone is, they can be a scum sucking scumbag on the inside. Phrased differently, Shirley who works at the convenience store is shining brighter on the inside than Uncle Wally who drives caddy.

While we know this, it is still nice to look at signs of outward success. These are ways you can estimate the individual wealth of a person without conducting an invasive auditing of their tax records. A successful individual will have...

...Name on underwear.
...Google rating >100,000.
...Steak every evening.
...>2 civil cases pending constantly.
...At least one service sector employee (lawyer, mechanic, masseuse) in constant employment.
...Church or beverage named after you.
...Chain of domestic service command.
...>3 refrigerators.
...>4 fireplaces.
...>2 filled piercings, at least one of which must be occupied by a 4 carat diamond.
...No hotel pens in entire mansion.
...Personal bouncer.
...64 piece entertainment system with a 3-year Geek Squad warranty.
...4-lane freeway as a driveway.
...LeBron James as personal basketball trainer.
...24/7 security to guard against impatient heirs.


Lizzie said...

You forgot Fru-fru dog (must weigh between .5 lbs- 8 lbs)with a bigger alounce then your nineteen yearold brother. and... Several fifty thousand dollar cars with more then fifty thousand dollars ('invested') into it. -"one of which must be a hummer!" :)

Halo said...

You also forgot that when they smile, one of their teeth visibly reflects the sun (even at night) in a sparkle can be seen from space.

Vevy said...

*gasps indignantly*
I want a personal bouncer!!! :D

Lady A said...

Weeee!! How fun! I want...it all.

Thank the Lord that we have to depend on Him daily instead of having the ability to rely on ourselves.