Todd’s Problem

Todd gets up this morning, as he does every morning to the sound of his Quartz alarm ringing on his Stanley dresser. He showers under a direct stream from his Price Pfister nozzle and enjoys the clean feeling of the Suave Essentials in his hair. He soaps with Dove, scrubs with Avon and conditions with more Suave Essentials.

On exiting the shower, Todd enjoys the soft feeling of the Strawbridge’s blue cotton chenille bath rug beneath his toes. He dries himself with Martha Stewart Everyday Living linen.

Feeling clean all over, Todd applies Tag (chest), Old Spice (armpits) and Nivea (under the eyes). He Colgates his teeth with a Gum brush and rinses with Listerine. Satisfied with the general cleanliness of his oral depression, Todd swabs his face with Brut cream and begins shaving with his Gillette Fusion. Todd never understood why a product made exclusively for men would have an “-ette” suffix, but he prefers his current tool to his old Braun Activator. When all the cream has been wiped away, Todd dabs on the Afta and uses a special anti-bacterial wipe from Equate.

Todd opens his RepleniSH contact lens container and removes a FreshLook lens. He squirts a quick stream of Opti-Free solution on the lens and sanitates with a quick movement of his fingers. With a deft and practiced motion, Todd inserts the contact lens into his eye and blinks thrice to clear some irritation. Not satisfied with the mechanical solution, Todd looks upward and drips three droplets of Visine into his eye. The irritation clears. He repeats the same process - minus the Visine - with his opposite eye.

Smelling like the latest issue of Vogue, Todd steps through his Panorama walkway and into his bedroom where he applies 273 Indigo, his favorite scent. There, sitting on his Simmons mattress across from his full length Eagan mirror, Todd pulls off his Plow and Hearth Woodland pajamas and slides into his Bresciani dress socks. He dons Fruit of the Loom boxers and matching undershirt, then pulls on a pair of Hanes dress socks before entering his spacious John Louis walk-in closet to select a shirt.

Shirt and tie selection is always painful for Todd because as many options as he has, only one ever seems to be viable. Todd likes his burgundy Hilfiger but it seems a little too flashy for a Monday. He selects a Hawes and Curtis with French Cuffs and a Ludlow tie. He completes his dressing with a Giorgio Cerruti pinstripe suit, a Fossil belt and a pair of Oxford Wingtips.

Todd accessorizes with a Luminox analog and a Borsalino fedora.

Fully dressed and ready for work, Todd walks past a Lay-Z chair, a Pottery Barn coffee table, and a Manchester couch and into his kitchenette. He puts a couple scoops of Folgers into his Krups coffee machine and flips the on switch. Todd feels hungry this morning, so he fries three Sunnyside Farms eggs in a Dupont Teflon pan. He puts a handful of Hillshire Farms ‘Lil Smokies into his Sharp microwave and plops two pieces of Bohemian Hearth into a Sunbeam toaster.

Todd removes Tobasco and Smart Balance Light from his Frigidaire refrigerator and sets the table with Cutco silverware and a Corelle plate. He eats quietly, listening to the New York Philharmonic play on his Bose speaker system.

Fueled and ready to meet the day, Todd puts his used dishware into his Triton dishwasher, inserts a cube of dissolvable Cascade detergent and pushes the start button. Todd sets his Bay Alarm system and locks the door. He hops into his Honda and pulls out of his suburban driveway.

On his way to work, Todd turns on the radio to listen to the news. Before he learns anything, however, he listens to six advertisements; four national and two local. The national advertisements are for Proctor and Gamble, Nissan, Kraft and Safeway; the local ads are for Enterprise Rent-a-Car and Cheeser’s Pizza. Todd passes eight billboards on his way to work; Motel 6, Chevron, Shell, McDonald’s, H&R Block, 300, Windows Vista and John Deer are all promoted on roadside signs.

Todd stops his CR-V in a designated spot in the Washington Mutual (affectionately nicknamed WaMu) parking lot. His work is mundane but it puts Healthy Choice on the table, so he doesn’t mind it so much.

At lunch Todd eats a Jiffy and Smucker’s sandwich on more Bohemian Hearth whole grain. He follows the PPJ with a Dole banana and a glass of Lucerne 1%.

Todd is happy that he only has to work a half day and reapplies Indigo 273 in preparation for a date he has set in the late afternoon. He and his friend meet at the Stadium 12 Cinemas to watch the new Will Ferrell movie, Blades of Glory. But Todd’s mind isn’t on the movie, or its excessive product placement; rather he is thinking about his financial situation.

Todd makes less money than 60% of WaMu’s employees; he lives in a house that could have used a remodeling four years ago and his “wish list” is longer than his “have list.” Todd struggles with feelings of wealth inferiority and seems to just barely scrape by every month. By the time the names finish scrolling across the movie screen, Todd still hasn’t resolved his state of mind. He exits the theater with a somber expression and drives his date home with sparse conversation.

Todd slides quietly between his Westpoint Stevens sheets and lays his head on the matching pillowcase. He leans into his Cequal Bedlounge and sets his Quartz. He turns his head and falls asleep. Another day.