What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Analysts: Harry Reid’s Reelection Bid is ‘Lost’

WASHINGTON DC (FCN) -- Though he has a four-to-one financing advantage on all likely opponents, has nation-wide name recognition and seems to be gaining political momentum, analysts at the International Research and Quandary Institute (IRAQI) agree that Harry Reid (D-NV) will not win his bid at reelection in 2010.

“It’s a long way off yet, but, using our advanced political calculations and public opinion rubrics, we can be absolutely certain of the outcome,” said chief IRAQI analyst Doug Wetstein. “He has all the advantages on paper and there isn’t even a viable challenger that has risen to oppose him, but, given the data in front of us, we can be absolutely certain of his defeat.”

The prediction comes on the tail of strong political news for the Majority Leader; his polling numbers are nearing an all time high, his bills are fairly flying through congress and his name is one of the first chosen by interns coming into DC.

Still, say expert analysts, Reid stands no chance.

“This election is lost and the surge [in campaign contributions] is not accomplishing anything as indicated by the extreme contentiousness on the Hill yesterday,” intoned Peggy Sanderson, a campaign funding expert at IRAQI. “The Majority Leader should start considering other venues – economic, diplomatic and literary – to promote his ideas; he just doesn’t have a future in politics.”

Reid, meanwhile, had a jab of his own for those who predict his failure. “I can't begin to imagine how our operatives in the field, who are risking their reputations every day, are going to react when they get back to the office and hear that the premier political organization in the United States has declared the election is lost,” he said at a news conference Monday.

“We are going to win this thing clearly, cleanly and quickly,” he added to applause from the office interns.

Party leaders are considering cutting Reid’s political funding. Howard Dean, former Democratic Presidential candidate and current Chairman of the Democratic National Committee, is communicating with his colleagues about removing Reid’s backing altogether.

“If he can’t win, why should we fund him?” asked Dean from his Vermont office. “At this point, the most viable option is to just remove him from office. Not cut and run, mind you, but retreat with dignity. The guy is great; he’s just a political liability right now.”

Reid is taking “prudent measures” to ensure he doesn’t become a Party sore spot, but even he seems to be giving up hope.

“It’s probably best if he just high-tailed it out of there,” said Wetstein.


kelsey said...

lol, nice turn

Chris said...

Where do you guys come up with there things? You are great.

Anonymous said...


adrialien said...

Wetstein? Couldn't you come up with something more original???

Anonymous said...

Nice post!

btw... it's my birthday!! =D

Shh! it's a secret! said...

I like cheese...