What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

I Am Not A Reader

We had absolutely nothing to post today. We were about to give up and run away to sea in despair (or do something more drastic like color our hair) when this friendly email from Trevor happened by. We decided to exploit an obscure clause of our privacy statement which lets us post email correspondence. We assume that, because this post involves a ninja, it will be a smashing success.

Despite my frequent visitations to your blog, and in spite of the fact that 'Coke Glorious Coke' and 'Ima Victim' repeatedly cycle around my head, I am not an addict of your site. Really. In spite of the sudden urge to write this e-mail, in spite of daily thoughts of Life Tips and that idiotic, hilarious disclaimer... I am not a regular reader.

I want to be. I truly do. But, I am sorry to report that I missed one day of reading.

As every stereotypical story begins, I was walking home from work one day. Suddenly the sky went dark, and a single black cloud floated down and hovered over my head. There were evil dancing rats inside, probably guys from rFCN. They shot me with lightning and coated me with honey and powdered sugar (which actually tastes good). I was left to die on the sidewalk.

I was picked up by a passing used car salesman who mistook me for a donut. After he very unpleasantly discovered my true identity, however, he threw me out of the window. I rolled into a pet store where I was attacked by mutant chimpanzees with rifles and slingshots. The powdered sugar softened the blows, however.

After washing myself off in the fish tank, I decided to head home. I disregarded the children who taunted me and called me names like 'Sticky', 'Stupid', and others that I shall not repeat. I had only one goal -- to go home and read Funny Class Notes, the only thing that could cheer me up.

As I walked through the door, I let out a sigh. But not of relief. For a ninja midget had invaded my home and made off with all the pretzels, and he was just making good his escape as I walked through the door. He karate chopped me, and I crumpled to the ground. He fled through the doorway, with a few kicks for good measure.

I dragged myself upstairs, bleeding, resolved to click on 'Favorites' and to open your site. I hauled myself onto the office chair, which broke. From the ground I reached for my mouse, which cracked in my hand. I used keyboard shortcuts to navigate to Favorites, then held my pointer finger up to push the Enter key...

...And the power went out.

I fainted from exhaustion and disappointment. It all went black for awhile. And when I woke up, it was 11:58 PM. The power was back on! I rebooted my computer at 11:59, opened my web browser, and clicked on Funny Class Notes!!!

But the clock changed to 12:00, and I was a loser. I had failed my aspirations to become a regular reader. I am now to remain unrecognized, my lifelong dream unfulfilled. Why me? Oh, cruel fate! You have blasted the hopes of an aspiring young man!

WHAT WILL I DO!?!?!?!?!?



Sorry, Trevor. We can't help you. You failed, man. You. Failed.


Red Beard's Cousin said...

I just want to add that pirates totally own ninjas, even midget ninjas ;)

Ninja_Warrior said...

ACK! the publisher of the above coment must be pwned!!! *flips out and totaly pwns both red beard and his cousin, destroying everything in its way*

Guitarbob said...

You are all failures!!! trevor, you didnt read fcn?!?! *gasps in horror* fcn, you didnt have stuff to post?!?! *gasps in horrible horror* Peepl think pirates can even touch a ninja?!?! *gasps in horrible horror and calls up ninja buddy, who joins ninja_warrior in totaly pwning red beard and his cousin

The Philosopher said...

You guys are really pretty funny. I love reading your posts, keep up the good work.

Very Offended said...

I am very offended. I was of the mind that my emails were to be kept confidential. I obviously assumed erroneously that FCN has far more character than they do in actuality. Consider my subscription canceled.


you can call me batman said...

are you kidding? that was probably the greatest thing since Desperate Student episode 11!!!! (which is saying alot) that post was amazing!!!!!!
FCN, you should write a desperate student on going emo... that'd be about the funniest thing ever

Anonymous said...

* Is ninja saying nothing in the background * * sees failure of a red beard's cousin come around corner with major bruises and black eye * * pwns him *

Kat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kat said...

FCN, you guys should not have been so hard on the poor guy. Look what he's been through! And Trevor's right, you guys should not have posted ANYONES email without their explicit permission.

The Real Trevor said...

IMPOSTER!!! How dare you obscure my glory of being published on FCN by thieving my name? If you had read the disclaimer as I have (over and over again), you would have realized that e-mails sent to FCN have no more privacy than the private life of Nancy Pelosi. I hereby bash you over the head with a random sausage stick.