What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Your germs love you

(And why you should never wash your hands.)

Of all the habitats in this world, the human body is the most complex. The Amazon rain forest is enticing and the Great Coral Reef interesting, but mossy ground and shiny fishes will dull when compared to the 500 strains of bacteria roaming your mouth. But, for some odd reason, the reefs are visited en mass and the Amazon a respected vacation spot, but the germs in all of us are labeled as vile and eradicated at every opportunity. The politically correct view does not condone germ habitat and even our everyday language incorporates words like "sanitary" and "clean," such that even germ lovers are normatively forced into talking down their passion. Like drugs in America, human beings are waging a War on Germs that starts with the Surgeon General and ends with Dove bathroom soap. Join us today as we discover why we must end this poorly conceived war.

Many so called "experts" will try to convince you that germs are bad. Yet their lies are contradicted by their own evidence. Take Bifidobacteria for example, a strain of bacterium that helps provide your body with Vitamin K, a Vitamin crucial in the formation of blood clots. This loving germ gives you with everything you need to prevent "death de la blood loss," yet does anyone say “thank you?" When was the last time you saw someone buy a ice-cream Sunday for their Bifidobactria? Does anyone do anything for these germs?

Germs are regularly abused and biased against in our culture. The negative view pseudoscientists have given germs has hurt not only them, but the human race. Take the flu for example. Put yourself in the place of this friendly virus. How would you feel if you were an innocent little flu bug and people started to try to kill you? How can we expect germs to be nice to us if we aren't kind to them? Yet after we try to exterminate this loving little virus, we are surprised when it infects, and sometimes even kills people.

But hand washing is the least of a germ's worries. Of all the abusive and cruel ways to harm innocent germs, taking vitamins is the most sickening (see, that normative language strikes again!). How can we take pills knowing they will kill visiting germs before they have even attacked us? How unfair is it to assault germs on presupposition that they might damage our immune system at some future time? It is morally wrong to try to kill germs before they have attacked us. Preemptive attacks are no way to handle health. The germs say so. France says so. We think the Pope would agree, but after an interview was arranged we realized none of us spoke Italian and we gave up the slot to Barbara Walters.

The fact is, we are fighting a war we cannot win. Millions of people have already died from disease, and the forces of germhood are only becoming stronger. The time has come for us to make peace with our bacteria brothers.

The time has come to stop the War on Germs. Why should we bother fighting when we know we will not win? The only way to win the war is to stop the fight. Only then will the germs be our friends.

Share the germs, share the love. Peace and cough syrup for all.


adrialien said...

THAT was good.

Jacob said...

Aye! That's some hilariously demented logic there.