Why I Dropped Out of College

School officially starts today. My fellow contributors are off to classes starting this morning and tomorrow, respectively. And while they're sitting in rows of desks listening to instructors tell them not to cheat and what the late homework policy is, I'll be driving from one job interview to the next begging for gainful (or at least semi reputable) employment.

I've completed 33.5 college credits and was sitting on the honor roll until about three weeks before finals (when I abruptly stopped studying because I had an itch). If I stayed in school a few more years, I'd be walking around with a Business degree and my starting salaries would be much juicier. I might even make double digits per hour. Crazy!

But that's not going to happen. I will never get my degree. I spent more than a year of life sitting in class writing FCN posts, and all I'm getting out of it is a lot of FCN posts. And zebra doodles, which are harder to draw than you might think. I don't mind keeping our eleven readers stimulated, but you'd think I could find a way to be more productive with a year of my life. Oh well.

So I know what you're thinking: "He's not taking class notes! One less contributor! Oh noes!" Well, worry not. After a long and sweaty FCN staff meeting, I managed to convince my fellow contributors to let me stay on in the same capacity I formerly worked in. It won't just be class notes anymore - now it'll be Funny Waiting For Tech Support Phone Call Notes or Funny Pool Cleaning Notes (or whatever job I end up getting). But since

FWFTSPCNoFPCN(oWJIEUG)aFCN

is not a catchy acronym, my fellow contributors were insistent on leaving the name as is. On the plus side, since we're not changing our name, your bookmarks will stay up to date. You do have FCN bookmarked, right? Right?

Moving on.

Another thing you're thinking: "Don't drop out of college, you loser! Stay the course!" Well, I'm not staying the course, and there are a few reasons:

Personality. My personality is such that I'm not the kind of guy who finishes what he starts. So dropping out of school comes naturally. Some people are just quitters. Think of that song by Shania Twain. That's how it is. Except take the opposite of that, and that's what I am.

Mind-bending boredom. As you could probably tell by reading FCN, college classes are like lullabies or "you've been a bad boy" lectures from people who are not my mom. They put me to sleep. Maybe being a cashier will be more exciting.

College people. There are two kinds of college students: Macho Emotional Wrecks and Emo Emotional Wrecks. I'm both. Neither are any fun to hang out with. In addition, students are uber-sheltered, non-unique, not on their last boyfriend yet, think of themselves as artists, smell funny, stay up too late, eat junk (but not enough of it), are politically active but politically ignorant, poorly dressed, drunk or wish they were, too young, nerdy, fat, ugly, boorish victims who play their iPods too loud.

Money. Textbooks are expensive. Minimum wage is - like - negative expensive. Show me the moolah!

Time. Even when you're not studying, college takes time. Not going to college frees up time for all those derelict pursuits I value more than warming the seat with my student-issue tushie. Like getting level 17 Dark Elf.

Tackiness. For about two decades, every time anyone wanted money from me, I turned to the person next to me and said: "Hey, can you cover for me?" Now, I can say: "Hey, can I pay you back later?" Eventually I'll have to move to Switzerland, but in the meantime, I'll be golden. Instead of broke.

So I'll concede that my long-term future is a bit dim. But it's all good, because today, as the other contributors and many of you in the reading audience march off to class, I'll be right here laughing.

And scrubbing.