Back behind the wheel...

Boy it feels good to be back. This is my first post since the hijacker frenzied around our little baby, made child's play of our template and generally was cantankerous.

While the hijacker was in control of FCN, I got to know what it's like to be one of the faithful few. I didn't know what a post would be until it came out. When it did arrive, I'd be disappointed.

Throughout the hijacker's brief but notorious tenure, I rose early for my morning FCN fix, only to discover that our hijacker kept a different schedule than I and posted much later whilst I was in class. So my mornings, all four of them, were much more dour.

Every day held a scary moment, a few terrorizing seconds as my browser connected with the blogger servers and made its request. As the information was exchanged between my local terminal and the Big Kahuna central, I found myself holding my breath, even when my lungs had already expired their last oxygen (Big Kahuna central can take a while to respond). So any reports you hear about an FCN author fainting yesterday had nothing to do with the hijacker and everything to do with forgetting to breathe.

I know this is the second reflective post on the nefarious activity of one hijacker - and believe me, that fact weighs so heavily on my conscience that I will find a way to introduce new content into this tome - but it's worth delving into the issue once again to discourage any copycats. Acts of senseless terrorism invariably engender mindless duplication. School, Olympics and mall shootings have all been tried, but idiots keep on doing them anyway, thinking their take on mass killing is unique. So taking over a FCN, a crime so similar in magnitude to senseless murder that we dare not dwell for too long on the link (we've young readers, folks), is likely to encourage further attempts.

Like our elected leaders, FCN had to change its policy to reflect the open animosity and, let's be frank, actionable hostility toward friendly humor blogging. That's right, ladies and gentleman (not a typo), from this day forward FCN will make like a Danish newspaper and negotiate with terrorists. The next time someone offers to guest blog (with an implied "or else), we will be much more inclined to say yes. When an anonymous heckler sends us a letter with a copy of a picture we would rather you all not see, we will write a check before calling the authorities.

Heck, if you get me in an armbar I'll do pretty much anything. But I'd like to see you try.

OK, so that new content I promised earlier. Touching fingers to keyboard again reminded me of my first experience driving a tractor on an April morning some years ago. I couldn't have been much older than Dakota Fanning when I slid behind the wheel of our family's powerful Kubota and listened attentively as my father taught me the basics of driving. That's right: I learned to drive a tractor before I learned to drive a car. Maybe that's why I drive at such safe speeds.

The rumble of the diesel engine erased all my father's warnings about maneuverability and safety, but didn't keep me from having a riot on my first tour of agrarian authority. At least for the first twenty minutes. See, the thrill of controlling a cumbersome and slow craft over rough terrain turns from exciting to dull faster than molten iron in a bucket of cold water. What started as a novelty soon became a chore.

The great thing about working on a small farm is that the boring work comes by rarely and passes quickly and a simple mind like mine can easily forget the monotony of driving given a few months of memory fermentation.

To tie the analogy back to FCN, in a couple weeks I forgot what it is like to be up at 5:30 AM sitting in front of a blank post, knowing that work and school will soon call and not having anything to write about. I am back behind the wheel and feeling as energetic about today's post as I am about the breakfast I am about to eat (you would be too if you saw these peanut butter coated waffles in which I am about to indulge).

Oh, yeah, and I'll be on the tractor again this month; I'm looking forward to it.

FCN's Golden Age has ended!

The hijacker relinquished full control of FCN back to us yesterday, much to our dismay. We got down on our knees and begged him/her to stay. "Please don't go," we said. We said it just like that. We used those very words. Alas, they were to no effect. He/she insisted on leaving, so we're back, and we have to come up with content again.

Rats.

We know there were some pretty harsh things said about the hijacker. He/she was accused of being unoriginal, pandering, and dull. We would come out and say this was hogwash, but we don't want to disagree with a reader publicly. So we'll say that, while this may be true, there are other angles from which to approach the situation that may lead to seeing the facts in a different light.

We think - no, we declare - that the hijacker's short tenure represented FCN's Golden Age. With a legacy of intellectually stimulating and entertaining posts on a range of relevant topics, this hijacker is leaving not in shame, but to rest on his/her laurels, satisfied with a week well run.

So now we have to plod on alone, as we've been doing for a year or two, depending on how you measure it. We don't even know what we'll do for you guys tomorrow. Maybe we'll sing a song. We'll see.

People like the hijacker, who presumably has a personal blog elsewhere, are the reason FCN is still more than 78 million years away from global domination. We don't mind the wait. We're in very good company.

Saturday Commentary on the Comments

EDIT: As of some time this afternoon, the post I wrote is officially the MOST POPULAR FCN POST EVER! The new record to break is 25 comments. I sure hope FCN has it in them!

These last few days have been a lot of fun and I'll really miss being in control of this blog. When I began planning my takeover a few weeks ago, I couldn't help walking around with a big grin on my face. That grin hasn't left me for more than 5 seconds in the 5 days I've had FCN under my thumb.

It's been terribly amusing to read the readers' comments and before I sign off forever, I'd like to address some of those commenters (commentors?). I'll start with April 1st's comments and end with yesterday's.

guitarbob: You may pride yourself on your ability to call April Fool's jokes, but you totally missed it on this one.

matt: Deliver the you-know-whats to 480 S. Marion Pkwy, Building A. Please leave the goods with the doorman and ask him to see that "Carleen" on the 6th floor receives it.

chris: You're right, it was an elaborate hoax. One that worked, too, since my goal was to fool the faithful into believing that FCN had not been hijacked.

big: Here's an aspirin. Hope it helps.

rob: Where's that post? And really, promoting your knock-off site on the site you knocked-off is is lamer than lame.

lazr: Good thing FCN doesn't base its self-esteem on the Blogger choice awards, isn't it?

matt: Would you like to join my cheerleading squad?

batman: No. Because. Classified.

big: Done.

OK, enough of that drivel. Now for the interesting part:

The Top 7 Most Popular Posts in FCN's History

Instead of using Uncle Wally's garbled formula to determine which posts in FCN's past were the most appreciated, I decided to use a simpler method and based the following statistics on the number of comments each post received. For the long-time readers who remember LLFCN, following the links will take you on a pleasant walk down memory lane; for the new FCN readers, the links will provide a valuable glimpse into FCN's past.

#7. Two posts tie for seventh place, each one clocking in at 16 comments. The most recent was a retelling of a famous fairytale by FCN's last-but-certainly-not-least author. It tied with the 2nd Todd post. The first one had only half as many comments.

#6. Here we have a 3-way tie. These posts received 17 comments each. All three were written in 2008. If you add up the numbers 2+0+0+8, it doesn't equal 17. I don't think it's a coincidence, though, that two of those posts are do-it-yourselfers, and the last is a high in a long series of lows.

#5. With 18 comments, number three is all by itself. It includes a video that contains the most highbrow discussion of facial hair to ever grace this site. Ok, sorry. Bad pun.

#4. We once again have a 2-post tie. This daring duo amps it up to 19 comments and tells us just how long a post should be and why we should always pay heed to fortune cookies.

#3. I don't know why there are no posts with 20 comments, but for some reason FCN's readers saw fit to skip that quantity and go right to 21. It should come as no surprise that this was the 1st Do-It-Yourself Post.

#2. I have to say I was shocked when I realized one of the posts I wrote would be included in this list. Having received 23 comments, it came in just 2 shy of breaking the FCN record.

#1. Finally, number one in the Most Popular Countdown received 24 comments, for what reader can resist the opportunity to tell FCN which posts to repost?

Well, I hope you all enjoyed this peek into FCN's past as much as I did!

Goodbye for now,
Your hijacker

The Sideburns' Last Stand

On a fine morning of April, that valiant warrior of a month which enlists even the heavenly showers in its mission to "pierce the droughts of March to the root," I awoke to the reassuringly baritone voice of NPR's Robert Siegel blaring on my radio clock. Only a British accent can lend a voice as much credibility as being three octaves lower than normal does. This blog of male readers will understand the rejuvenating effect such a voice must have on a mind groggy after staying up way too late playing Halo doing homework.

Peering into the bathroom mirror, I realized that I had a problem. My sideburns were downright bushy.

Sideburns should never be bushy. You can wear jeans for two weeks straight and get away with it (I have), you can carefully wipe your fingers on your socks without serious consequences (or so my uncle tells me), and you can even shave all your hair off like a wannabe swimmer and not look totally dumb. But whatever your blunders in the way of hygiene or appearance, don't ever for the love of Elvis Presley mess up on your sideburns! Sideburns make the man. They are manly. In fact, despite what some people think, most women don't even have them. Grow your sideburns too long, and you'll look like a failed Taliban who wants a beard but can't quite manage. Cut them off completely and you'll look—shorn. Like a suited scrivener who's too meek to venture into the bold land of real whiskers. (Apologies to certain individuals out there who are at this moment angrily protesting.) And blond, unshaven peach-fuzz burns are the worst of all.

Now, there was a good reason my sideburns were a little unkempt. My barber down the street is not the kind of person I like to visit more than I need to. Not that he's a Sweeney Todd or anything. That would be cool. A creepy, exciting, mysterious monster of a barber would make a haircut worth the thirty dollars that haircuts cost in our degenerate age. But this barber is just a run-of-the-mill, sleepy chatterbox whose head is shaved to about a half inch of graying growth, and who is fond of garrulously and affably rambling about any subject from sports to politics to how he pirates the most awesome stuff on the internet and has a mega CD collection that he downloaded for free onto his quad-core computer with a terabyte hard drive. I'm not jealous; in fact I am quite happy for him. I hope his computer has a long and satisfying life and that he thoroughly enjoys it. And then I hope it blows up his house.

Just kidding. Did I mention that he doesn't have sideburns?

I, on the other hand, do have sideburns. I have stronger, healthier, sideburns than most people. My virile hair does not grow "very slowly"; in fact, it sprouts up faster than the kids in that family your mother hasn't seen in five years. ("My, how little Jonny has grown! I just can't get over it! *pinch embarrassed sixteen-year-old's cheek*) When I looked in the mirror, my sideburns were of moderate length, but way too thick and positively rebarbative.

Being a resourceful fellow, I knew exactly what to do. Out of my shelf came an electric shaver. Out from the shaver popped the trimming attachment. And I set to work shaving off just enough hair to thin out my burns and polish my already dashing appearance. But alas! My hand is not so steady as I thought it was.

Ten minutes later, I stood in the mirror staring at my vanished glory. To repair the slip, I had been compelled to remove every last whisker from my jaws and cheeks.

Of course, it will grow back soon. But after a few days, I am finding that a smooth, clean image really suits me. In fact, I'm not sure why anyone would want those scruffy strips of bristle running down his face.

Unveiling FCN's Makeover

One of the benefits of hijacking a site is having access to all of that site's owners' information. For instance, I now know who F's secret crushes are, how many times C has gotten a speeding ticket, and why N won't tell anyone how he earned money last summer.

Another thing I learned is who they hired to redesign the website and how much they paid for the redesign. Unfortunately for FCN, the "designer" they hired actually used a standard template from Blogger, one FCN could have gotten for free.

Personally, I think the new design is heinous. But since that is what FCN decided to go for, who am I to stand in the way?

So, even though you've probably already noticed the new template gracing this site, without further ado, I would like to unveil:

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The NEW Funny Class Notes!

No longer drab, boring, or un-cool, the new FCN is setting the trend for hip blog decor. No longer sporting last millenium's idea of web design, the new FCN is paving the road into the next year, the next decade, and the next century! (We would say the next millenium but that would seem too presumptive.)

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Well, I hope all of you faithful few (and the faithless many) like this new design. For my own part, I might be prevailed on to give up this blog sooner than I planned, just so I don't have to look at it.

Oh, and FCN, don't you think that $57 would have been better spent bribing me to keep quiet about, you know, your secrets?

This is the Hijacker Speaking

Dear Readers,
The purpose of this note is simply to alert you to the fact that yesterday's post was not an April Fool's joke. Perhaps it was foolish of me to launch my takeover on the first of April, but nevertheless I am now in control of FCN. While I have not completely removed the original members from this blog, they have been demoted from admins to mere authors.

Given the track record of this blog, I should have known that you would not believe yesterday's post. Unfortunately, it did not occur to me that since you do not know my identity, you would have no reason not to doubt my veracity. Allow me to assure you that I have, indeed, taken over FCN.

Please forgive me if the content over the next few days is more sporadic than what you are accustomed to; I am either less dedicated to FCN, busier, or maybe just lazier than the three friends who (used to) own this blog.

Sincerely,
Hijacker

FCN Hijacked by "Faithful" Reader

Los Angeles, CA - As the cyber world slept peacefully this morning, the popular humor blog Funny Class Notes was being hijacked. The crime ocurred at approximately 5:17am, although experts say it is impossible to know the exact time.

At first, FCN assumed their arch-rivals - err, friends - at RFCN had stolen their password, but after conducting several hours of interrogation comme Jack Bauer, they concluded that RFCN was not responsible for committing the crime of the century.

Confused, but determined to discover the perpetrator, FCN consulted Uncle Wally, who decided, through means too complicated for your correspondent to understand, that the primary suspect is none other than FCN's fifth reader.

"We are deeply hurt by this, presumed, betrayal from one of FCN's faithful few," F said. "We hope that our fifth reader, whomever he/she is, will repent quickly and restore the blog to its rightful owners."

Others among the FCN faithful few have decided to remove the fifth reader from their ranks and relegate him/her to what, they say, is his/her rightful place among the "faithless few."

Mommy G, however, encouraged FCN's readers not to be too hasty. "Let's not forget that Uncle Wally has identified the 5th reader only as the possible perpetrator. Remember readers, no one is guilty until proven guilty."

Nice alliteration, Mommy G.

Others already ranked among the faithless few include, but are not limited to, anyone who contributes to RFCN, anyone who reads RFCN, and anyone who criticizes FCN.

"On second thought, maybe they should be called the 'faithless many,'" N said in a last-minute phone interview.

C was unavailable for comment, but your correspondent received the following note from an undisclosed source:

"I am livid. When I find out who took over our site, I am going to pound them into the ground. I am going to play the piano when they're trying to sleep. I am going to make them watch reruns of Dancing With the Stars for 3 days straight!"

Anyone with information leading to the discovery and subsequent pwning of the guilty party is asked to email FCN at funnyclassnotes at gmail dot com.