NASA to Arm Astronauts

CAPE CANAVERAL FL -- The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) announced a plan yesterday to provide weapons and body armor to astronauts. In the wake of the “Diapered Lady who went NASA,” NASA officials lead are trying to repair the reputation of space exploration and deter future incidents.

“The new weapons will make me feel a lot safer in space,” said Gus Eisenhower, a veteran space traveler who, by his own account, almost went psycho once. “If some idiot comes at you swinging his oxygen tank or threatening to lift your visor, you just blast him to Hades with the plug headquarters provides.”

NASA headquarters maintains that the astronauts will be trained to shoot at non-vital areas. Sgt. Richard McNerney, a former Navy Seal who now does weapons training for the Marine Corps, explained that “most of the time a bullet to the arm or knee will shut up a 'tard.”

NASA Administrator John Griffin feels the armaments will make missions more secure. “Watching from Houston, it's impossible to stop a maniac intent on destroying a craft from killing and maiming others. We must give the astronauts the tools to defend themselves from the crazies,” he told a press conference yesterday. “Eventually our goal is to arm everyone in the International Space Station (ISS) so if a Ruskie goes sour or a Frenchie blows his top, we can take care of business, if you get my meaning.”

Astronauts will be allowed to pick their weapons from a list that includes Uzi sub-machine guns and AK-47s. Starting with the next shuttle launch, they will choose a primary and secondary weapon as well as any of three grenade types and body armor. Ammunition varies by weapon chosen.

To keep shuttle flights from becoming carnal blood baths, NASA is also going to equip each mission with an Army surgeon, trained in treating gunshot wounds and shrapnel injury.

Riley Finnegan, a long-time space observer and NASA critic feels good about the change. “One of the big problems I've had with NASA – besides, of course, the faked moon landing – is the whole unarmed exploration side of the agency. We can't be sending American citizens into alien territory without the weapons to defend themselves,” Finnegan said in a telephone conversation with FCN. “Lewis and Clark didn't explore the Louisiana territory without a musket did they?”

Griffin, meanwhile, maintains that the weapons are not for extra-terrestrial protection. “If we wanted to scare the green monsters away, we'd use ray guns and lasers. We just want our astronauts to keep their diapers on,” he said to press room chuckles.

A new weapons operation training facility is planned in Cape Canaveral to assist the space explorers on the operation of their new toys. Incoming astronauts will have to pass a rifle and sidearm certification and all existing staff – even the janitors and mechanics – must learn to fire an automatic weapon and pull the pin on a C4 grenade.

Eisenhower, who has been training for his next blast off by playing paint ball with his son, looks forward to his next mission. Said Eisenhower: “This is America. And Americans use big guns. So watch out universe!”