The Bourne Hotline

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In anticipation of the upcoming release of Bourne Ultimatum, starring Matt Damon, a collection of action movie enthusiasts and cinema psychiatrists are coming together to form a hotline to counsel heartbroken Bourne fans.

“So often cinema goers are shocked by what directors do with the books they love,” explained Erin Barron, a mental health expert with the Mayo clinic who joined the project. “Our role is to console supporters of the Robert Ludlum novels, maybe even give them a decent shoulder to cry on if the movie is really bad.”

Apparently some are expecting the action hero to die in the last film of the trilogy, a fate that would come as a heartbreak to Damon's legions of adoring fans.

“The hotline is a matter of social responsibility,” explains Spud Shaw, author of Stopping the Black: How Chick Flicks Turn Decent People Into Criminals. “Studies show that a traumatic movie can be as much of a risk factor for rash activity as a traumatic childhood.”

Shaw outlines a two step process to undo the damage of what he calls “mentally destructive” movies. “First, you need to acknowledge that the story on the screen isn't real. You need to come to terms with the story telling. Second, you need to find out the truth. Go out on the Internet and find out how many black ops people really die in gruesome five semi-truck pileups. This reinforces neuropsychiatrically therapeutic thoughts.”

Fans, meanwhile, are largely unaware of the hotline's existence. A survey of moviegoers in a small Northern California town revealed that over 96% had never even heard of the service. One viewer, who asked that his name not be given, even laughed at us and called us “fruity.”

Barron doesn't see the lack of recognition as an obstacle. “When people leave theaters in tears and realize their lives have completely collapsed in the course of an hour and a half movie, they'll call the hotline,” she said.