What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Bears, Colts, Dinosaurs, and Baboons, oh my!

We missed the Superbowl. There. It's out in the open. Now you know. The most significant sporting event of the week, and we plumb missed it. Totally forgot it was happening.

A few minutes after it ended, a friend collect-called us and asked us what we thought of Rex. We said we thought he had big sharp scary teeth and tiny arms.

Fortunately, this aforementioned friend had TiVoed the superbowl, and very graciously invited us to watch it that night at his house, provided we kept the volume down because he had a test the next day. Good enough, we said. We didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to soak up the manly superbowl goodness.

12 seconds after kick-off, we all remembered that we were staunch Bears fans. "Go Bears! Woohoo! That's what I'm talking about!" The Bears were what manliness was all about: big, fat, heavy, ugly, hairy ... actually, they were pretty much like the Colts, only they were winning, which was good enough for us.

Somewhere in the second quarter, CBS decided to run a very disturbing Snickers ad, which includes a Lady And The Tramp spoof - only this time, instead of two dogs of varying genders and a string of spaghetti, it was two men in a garage with a candy bar. The room fell deathly quiet when the lips on the screen met. Our manliness was offended. We had been violated and disturbed.

"Quick!" Shouted the man onscreen. "Do something manly!" I'm not sure what happened next in the ad, because the FCN staff immediately threw its collective self to the ground and writhed for the next five minutes, hooting and pounding bare chests.

When we finally revived, we watched a great ad from Coca-Cola (below) which demonstrates how Coke can turn your life around, even if you're Victor Vance. This made us happy inside and did not offend our manliness, and makes us want to drink more Coke (to the extent that this is possible, which, in at least one case, is very little).

After the half-time show, which starred the ugliest woman we've ever seen, the Colts started to take over. That was fine with us. We'd been die-hard Colts fans since the very beginning. We'd come out of the womb clutching horse shoes. That's just how die-hard we were.

Of course, no one on the team was more important or effective than Rex Grossman, who led the Colts defense to some football wizardry, including interceptions, fumbles, and sacks enough to make the testosterone pound in our ears. About midway through the last quarter, during another one of Rex's "moments", our gracious host came down and politely asked us to shut up or he'd pound us and then kick us out of the house. This offended our manliness, but this time we did nothing about it.

We ended up getting pounded and kicked out anyway, so we didn't get to watch the post-game show. But we're pretty sure we know who won the MVP award. Congratulations, Rex Grossman. You're an inspiration to us all.

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