What does the world cost? Oh well, then we'll just take a small coke.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Now Gavin Newsom can be the President of the French Republic!

Have you noticed all the bad blood being spurted at Gay Area politician and general morality advocate Gavin Newsom? Apparently the good Major broke the solemn vows he made his stunningly beautiful wife and did something really “inappropriate” with his (former) best friend's wife. Except the inappropriate behavior lasted a long time and Newsom didn't look apologetic about the situation until all the cameras where shining their red lights on him and reporters stopped throwing him softball questions.

Fair enough, we say, but so what? Indiscretions, even sordid, ugly and incomprehensible discretions, are no stranger to politics. Big names like Bill Clinton, Gary Hart and Barney Frank have long paved the way for today's generation of carnal politics and, we must not forget, Newsom is the mayor of modern day Sodom. This episode should actually end up helping is political career as he is lauded as a hero. We here at FCN think its amazing that a man like that can keep two women happy at the same time. His name should be hoisted in lights above all the not-so-single bars all across that great city and this great land.

Here's the problem, at least as we've been able to interpret it from various news sources: Gavin has higher political “aspirations” (a fancy word for greed) that may be interrupted by this revelation. From our limited understanding of America's political process, this concern is a complete quack. Why will the American people will accept a pot smoking Senator but not The Act (granted, times seven months) with the campaign manager's wife. How are the President of the United State's indescretions with an intern thirty-something years his junior less repulsive than Newsom's fling with someone his own age. Why can a Congressman run a prostitution ring run from his own home and yet be better than a man who confessed his sins?

Given his office, the stress of the job and the inordinate amount of national media attention the whole gay marriage licenses thing created, this sort of behavior can only be expected. Even Abbé Piere broke his vow of chastity.

Even if we accept the mainstream media's concerns, which no doubt, reflect the heartland values America has long rejected, FCN has an easy solution: Why not run for French political office?

The longest lasting President of the French Republic is a gentleman named François Mitterrand (pronounced nasally). He served for 14 years as head of the world's littlest roaring mouse all the while keeping a Mistress and his Wife in opposite wings of the Élysée Palace. That's right. On one end of the French equivalent to the White House he kept his gorgeous wife while on the other wing he kept his gorgeous mistress, Anne Pingoet, with whom he had a daughter. Mitterrand was also notorious for his extramarital affairs, a fact that puzzles history today given his abject ugliness. But here's the point: the public knew about Mitterrand's odd personal choices but elected him to two seven year terms nonetheless.

Newsom can learn quite a bit about political salvagery from Mitterrand. San Francisco is about as close culturally to Europe as any city the United States can muster, so the switch should be pretty easy for Gavin.

The only mistake Newsom has made is in appearing apologetic about the whole episode. He's lost his best friend, that's a subtraction in the political math, but he has put himself among the elite of his occupation who have gone beyond the call outside their marriage. He needs to embrace that as an opportunity, leave his morality behind and, like Lot's wife, not look back.

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