Happy Valentine’s Day

To me, and probably 99% of all unpolluted guys out there, Valentine’s Day is just another 24 hour period. The chocolate, cheesy poetry and “magic” of the day is repelled by our testosterone fortified carcasses and, quite frankly, we’d rather it were our birthday or Christmas than have to suffer through the drama of February the 14th.

To women, however, this Valentine’s Day is the vicious culmination of a year of frustration. It is a license for chocolate, gossip and free dinners, the three vices of the modern woman. It’s their big chance to collect paper hearts, read plagiarized poetry and listen to coached odes. As my buddy Zack F. would say, it’s the real deal; the mastodonic moment. It’s romance on crack.

The true irony is that a male developed the concept of Valentine’s Day. While the holiday makes girls go crazier than Lindsay Lohan in an alcoholic beverage establishment, it makes guys calmer than Justin Timberlake at a Super Bowl Half Time performance.

Given its meaning and the customs associated with it, you’d think Valentine’s Day would be the product of a brainstorming session with Estrogen Awareness. Instead, the day of festivities is named after Saint Valentine, a Third Century male martyr who was named for the Latin word valens, meaning “being strong.”

Unfortunately, strength is the last thing that this holiday showcases, as lines of men turn into flower toting pansies who mouth “I love you” because custom and their girlfriends require them to do so.

364 days a year, expressing heartfelt emotion is difficult and only real men share what they really feel with their girlfriends. On Valentine’s Day, when the washouts of the world are making their play, the real man stays silent.

But we men are stuck, as it were, between a rock and a hard place (in saying that, I in no way intend to call women rocks). If we recognize the holiday and join in the chocolate orgy, we sacrifice our dignity. But if we refrain and hold back until our platonic limericks are significant and our paper hearts won’t join a multitude in the scratch pile, we deprive our girlfriends of the holiday they anticipate.

And you know what they say about scorned women. Oh yeah, steer clear of that.

Then there is the trouble of picking a Valentine. If you are like me, blissfully single and perpetually wanted, you will feel an intense pressure to ask someone to be your sweetheart (in the non-platonic sense). Whether you are “looking” or not doesn’t matter. If you are a guy, you need a Valentine on 2/14. If not, the lecherous rumor mongrels who make life difficult for any guy who makes a habit of saying no will eat you for lunch (tomorrow’s lunch, that is).

If you want to escape Valentine’s Day without injury, simply find someone unimaginative to ask (i.e. really young sibling of a friend, famous celebrity, the girl you chat with online that you’ve never met or you’ve met only once but the meeting was so brief that you can’t remember her face) and roll with that.

Don’t pick your mom. It’s too clichéd and won’t stop the mongrels.

If anyone asks you about your Valentine, respond positively with the girl’s name and an innocent smile. Also remember that you are taken and any guileful “be my valentine” tricks should be avoided.

As far as gender-specific advise goes…

Guys: The number one rule of thumb about Valentine’s Day is that you just can’t forget about it! Rustication is fine, encouraged in fact, but don’t lose sight of this all important holiday. A box of chocolates (you can eat the caramel ones before you send it over) or an inexpensive Hallmark card send the message that your brain at least fired a synapse and remembered the all important “her.”

If you do forget about it and are talking with your significant other tomorrow, don’t act like an aphonic-mooncalf bumbling over excuses to re-earn her respect. Point her back to this site and explain that real men have the guts to wait. Then get down on one knee and apologize until words stop giving your penitence credence.

Girls: Please, please, please go easy on the guy in your life. We know this is a big deal for you and that you will cherish the chocolates for the entire 35 days it takes to fully digest them. We understand that without your telling it to us through tears. Really we do. So when we mess up, please give us another chance.

If everyone (guys and girls) takes a deep breath and try to avoid personal and public embarrassment, the day should go off fine. If not, Valentine’s Day will continue to rest just below Tax Day on my least favorite holiday hierarchy.